Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Saturday, March 17, 2012


Called my Wendy (of my TomandWendy) today and just got myself missing them more. Then Tom's asking when I'm moving down and /sigh. I miss them lots and lots, and Arizona is appealing from the fibro standpoint (among other things), but there are so many other issues at hand. The cost of education is a huge one. The difference between in-state and out-of-state tuition is ginormous. But...gah. No matter what program I look at the University of Arizona is more appealing, but that may just be because I really want to be down there. Tom and Wendy continually refer to "when" I'm moving down there rather than "if".
I'm just not sure of what the right thing to do is. I mean...I'm really ambivalent about attempting to get on disability, but I also need to support myself, and my mental state probably isn't going to go *poof!* all better just because I've moved. On top of that, Arizona is not the best place to find employment from what I understand. Living with my family is...stressful but good. I don't regret coming out to my mom, but, well, she periodically keeps trying to bring me back to God or something. The fact is I've never fallen away *sigh* *sigh* *sigh*. I can't talk to my family about a lot of the important stuff, because our viewpoints are so different. I mean....when someone tells you they think they need to look into therapy because of serious, life affecting issues "you just need to read the bible more" is not the proper response. Just because I don't own a print Bible currently doesn't mean I lack the word. That's what the friggin' internet is for! And the Bible is not a substitute for counseling. Heck, the Bible even talks about getting counseling from elders! Bah.
The thing about TomandWendy is that they get that. Wendy in particular understands where I'm coming from, and Tom is just one of the greatest guys on earth. They understand what it really means to have a mental illness, while my family (who are the fricken *source* of the problem) just try to pretend it doesn't exist. I'm sorry, but when I ask if my great grandmother was crazy like me, "No, she was just a shut in!" is...kind of ostrich-y.
But...I don't know. I love them and I trust them a whole lot more than most people on this planet, but...It's really hard for me to make that kind of leap. After the experience of my marriage, it's just really hard to trust my well-being to others. Even though living with my family is incredibly difficult. I also am afraid of being a burden. But mostly it's that I'm so used to not being able to rely on people to keep their words and having to watch out for myself constantly. I've been so close to being homeless, and I've had my power turned off, because of misplaced trust. I've been in situations where I was without hot water for months. I've been in situations where I didn't have enough money for food and had no way to go to a food bank. I just...don't know what to do.
If anybody's actually reading this, now would be a good time to chime in. I know what my mom thinks, my step-dad has no opinion, and most people I know wouldn't know what the right response should be. I don't know what the right response should be. I guess I've got a year to figure it out, as long as I can test out at Math 94 I should have my transfer degree done by next spring/summer. I hate Math and it hates me back.
Fighting! (I keep saying that to myself in an effort to bolster my confidence and drive :))

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