Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Analyzing myself

I do it a lot and I think I do a pretty good job of figuring out why I feel the rational things. The irrational is, of course, clearly laid at the door of the chemical imbalance in my brain. I'm having trouble with a reaction now and talking it out to myself hasn't helped, neither has talking it out with other people.
So there's a new international student. Well, okay, there's more than one new one, but there's one in particular that I have an inexplicable problem with. He makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why. In a group setting it's not too bad, but when I'm alone with him I feel...uncomfortable. I cannot get more specific than that, and I've tried. I'm not scared, I don't think he's untrustworthy. I just am not comfortable being alone with the guy.
I thought maybe it was because he was kind of aggressive about introducing himself. I mean, not aggressive in a violent way or...I don't know. Not aggressive in a physical way. I suppose insistent would be a better word. Which is why I shoved that to the wayside. I don't think it's his insistence, or at least, not JUST his insistence.
My brother was like "Maybe you like him!" but I don't think that's the case. I mean, I've liked people before and it didn't feel like this. I could feel uncomfortable around them, but it was more my awkwardness than anything to do with them. And this definitely has to do with him.
The trouble I'm having is this: Is this a rational or irrational thing? I mean, I don't want to ignore my instincts if they're trying to tell me something, but I also don't want to give someone a bum rap because they've triggered something in my wonky chemistry. The thing is...even when it IS an irrational feeling, it's based somewhat on a rational trigger. Like past experience, y'know? If a person reminds me of another person I had a really bad experience with then my brain will send up red flags without telling me why. Then I figure it out and it's fine. But I honestly can't in this case. And it's frustrating.
I guess I mostly just wanted to moan and complain about not knowing why I feel the way I do sometimes >-<.

Friday, January 18, 2013

An early "I Want" Update

I posted last year about things that I want. I've achieved things that are not on the list and have more coming and I just felt the urge to write a bit. So here goes, an incomplete list.
I did not go to a bar for karaoke. But I did go to karaoke. I was in a small room with 13 other people and I sang my heart out as well as "encouraging" (FINE "bullying") a couple non-participants into doing one song.
I went to a bar with a friend for some live music. It was fantastic. I didn't join in the dancing because FIBROSUCKS, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
I've danced in public at a part TWICE. In fact, I got the party going when no one else would get on the dance floor. That's right, I started dancing (with enthusiasm, not skill) and when no one joined me I started dragging friends on the dance floor. It was followed by a rather uncomfortable almost-lapdance, but even that gave me a new funny story to tell.
I'm making plans to go to Emerald City ComiCon in a couple months with at least one friend, probably two. I've decided that I don't care if I ever go to a convention alone, because life is more fun with friends.
One of those friends and I are planning a bit of an ultimate cosplay. It may not work out, but the planning is a blast.
Another friend and I are going to a comedy show by one of my fave stand-up guys in April. Not maybe, ARE. As in she's buying my ticket as a birthday present :).
I've been getting bunches of 4.0s at school.
I have made new friends. I have made new plans. I am conquering my world one obstacle at a time.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Oh winter

I have to wake up early to turn on the hot water heater. i'm up by five every morning. It's 10. 30 and I'm not really any place NEAR sleepy. I'm lying in bed propped up by pillows as my back says "throb throb throb". It subsides just long enough for me to think, hey, that's not so...oh, wait there it goes again.
This quarter is better, because, even though I'm still having mopey days, I pretty much only have to deal with the fibro. I'm not up and rabidly cheerful, but I'm far from depressed. I'm able to go out the door with waaaay less fear than last quarter. I'm really tired tho, because the fibro is not subsiding. And my mouth hurts because of the dental surgery I need and can't afford. And my lower body hurts because I have to keep walking on it even tho it hurts. And my back hurts because it's an asshole.
I started to vlog about the fibro stuff, but it was just too goddamn depressing. Who wants to get online just to say "Guess what? Life still sucks!"
Well, it doesn't suck that bad. Could be a lot worse. There's a lot going right. But my physical well-being is not one of the things going right. It's one of the things going crap.
I think I can still keep my grades up. I just need to make sure I don't over extend myself.
Almost forgot.
Since my mental state is better I'm trying to cut out (or at least down on) the energy drinks. If I'm going to save up to go to Arizona I need to shave off extra expenditure wherever I can. And since it's looking like I won't need to self-medicate with excessive amounts of caffeine... Looks like it's me and oolong to get me through the day. *sigh* I really wish coffee didn't bother my digestive tract the way it does.
Trying to be better about taking food with me. As in better food. That might actually have some nutritional value. I'm trying to keep small servings that fit into my bag easily, because this quarter going to my car between classes just is not that easy. Maybe I'll learn to make bento boxes.
Vaguely worried about wearing out my welcome with friends, but I think that's more that I'm just uncomfortable in general about asking people for help. Hopefully this doesn't back fire.
I'm going to try and get to sleep now. My anxiety and depression is a lot better, but getting the crap out of my brain and onto digital paper always does me a world of good. Crossing my fingers for sweet, restful dreams.

Sunday, January 6, 2013


Tomorrow is the start of the new quarter. More math, more Korean, and (if I'm lucky) the communications class I have been *LONGING* to take. No sarcasm there, I have seriously been longing to take it and have, in fact, been begging people to register so that it doesn't get cancelled.
I'd intended to study Korean during the break. That did not happen. At all. Instead I soaked in the comfortable waters of escapism. I've attempted to read nothing but brain candy. Well, really, my brain demanded it and who was I to deny its pleas? That sentence looks off for some reason.
Oh well.
So I'm anxious for the new quarter. I'm anxious for my university application (when I make it). I'm anxious about gas money. I'm anxious about financial aid for university. I'm anxious about my schedule for conversation group and so on. I'm anxious about dealing with my family...
In spite of all the things I am anxious for I'm content. Probably because my brain is in a figurative sugar coma from all the brain candy it has been consuming. My brain is also trying to get me to write a romance novel. I blame the brain candy.
It's not that I've never had that urge before when in brain candy mode; every time I'm in brain candy mode my brain says "Duuuuuuuuuude, we should totally write a romance novel! It'll be fuuuuuuuuuun!!" So, okay, maybe the brain candy is less candy and more pot...or something...I don't know enough about drugs to know that. So we'll stick with "candy". But, yeah, my brain usually *does* do that when in brain candy mode, but this time is different. As in kept me up at night different. I've managed to put my brain off by writing out character descriptions. Then edited them. Then wrote a new one...but the fact remains that writing romance is probably beyond me. I scenes? o.O
I don't know why I'm blogging. I fell asleep around seven or eight and woke up at two am. So there's that. I ramblerambleramble on.
I also plot. But blogging about plotting is best left for coherent times.
I want macaroni and cheese.