Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

So much

I had a fantastic weekend. I probably (definitely) overdid it, but it was more than worth it. I got a respectable chunk of homework done and am a little ahead in some of my homework. I danced, I socialized, I snuggled friends I haven't seen in too long, and just generally grinned my face off. I also ended up pondering things. I am quite tired and trying to stay awake so as to get a few more things done.
One of the things I've been pondering is social interaction. Ever since I can remember I've been kind of awkward at it. I used to piss people off by, uh, being a little too honest. I made a girl in my Girl Scout troop very unhappy when she made an offhand comment about our "friendship" and I said "But we're not friends." Why? Because we weren't. She didn't even like me all that much, our moms worked together and were friends so we were in Girl Scouts together. That's when I learned you're supposed to lie to people. BUT, you can't get caught at it.
My dad had me read How To Win Friends And Influence People at a fairly young age. I couldn't tell you how young, because I've got a memory like a broken sieve. It really taught me a lot about getting along in "normal" society. I'm planning on replacing my copy soon.
I used to do the social chameleon thing, whatever someone wanted me to be I'd try (and fail) to be. I gave up because I wasn't very good at it. But I still sometimes catch myself doing chameleon-y stuff in social settings. I think it's because I still take my cues from other people. I have some friends I admire and try to emulate. Sometimes in social situations i have to REALLY watch myself, because I'll mimic their reactions. Not because I'm trying to mock them, or want to be them, it's just...sometimes I just don't know the "proper" reaction, so my instinct is to copy someone I know to be more adept than myself.
What's really funny to me is that people seem to think I'm this...I dunno...charming social adept. I like people, I really do. I love meeting new people. I love talking to them. I love the interaction. But sometimes it's too much for me, and that's why I have finely honed auto-responses for when my brain is going bye-bye. Maybe that's why I have the reputation I do. I don't know. People seem to like me, at least surface level. It's once they start to get to know me better that I weird them out and they take off. Or they stick around because I'm fun, and when I start to have one flare-up or another and cease to be "fun"....they bail.
I'm going to bed soon, hopefully this post will get enough stuff out of my brain to sleep.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Oh Fibro

I've actually been vlogging elsewhere about my fibro, but honestly, I'm too tired right now to sit down and do a video. I will at some point in the next week, but right now...not so much. :/ My fibro is flaring. I've been in a lot of physical pain, I'm constantly exhausted, and I'm moving through a fog. My brain needs a new starter, it's just clickclickclickclick with no ignition. I've fallen behind in my schoolwork a bit. It's not an insurmountable bit, but it's still a bit. I stay at school late because I can keep myself awake there. The minute I get home my body is just like "Okay, bedtime!" with no respect for what I need to get done. Sometimes my body has been sending me to bed without dinner. No matter how much or little sleep I get this week, I'm always tired. I'm draggin' draggin' draggin'. I think longingly of the potential of Arizona. I know I'll still have problems, my health is in the pits and it's going to take time to improve it, but... I just anticipate not having to kill my liver with anti-inflammatories on a daily basis.
I'm going dancing with my friends at the Y. The aerobics room is free in the morning, so we can dance in front of a huge mirror as we make fools of ourselves trying to learn dance steps. I may only last ten minutes, but that time with friends is invaluable. I may last only 5 minutes, but I don't care, I'm still going.
I have a birthday party to go to tonight, and I'm probably going to have to caffeinate just to get there. I don't know if caffeine helps my pain levels (I mean, it usually seems to, but that could be my mood it's affecting, you know?), but I've never really known it to hurt (unless I have a headache, sometimes it can then).
I'm just trying to chant "Aja! Aja! Fighting!" and "You can do eet!" to get through this flare. I mean, when the flare is done I'll still be in pain, but it will be MANAGEABLE pain. Pain I'm used to, pain i can cope with. My brain is so muzzy right now that while it was shouting at me/itself "Something's following you and is going to KILL YOU!!", my (and my brain's) response was "Really? That's nice."

Monday, October 15, 2012

the feels

I have, as they say, "all the feels" right now. Except they're mostly not the good feels. I'm taking another communications class this quarter (Intro to) and we have been given an assignment about performing our identity. I did a rambly video, basically enumerating all my "identities". Then I decided it was a cop-out and decided to do something else. Something I made a video for because just words don't communicate it. I want my classmates to see how it affects me. Then I started getting all panicky because what if she decided to show them in class and I'd have to lead a discussion about something I can't share without tears. The only thing worse than talking in front of people is crying in front of them, and both the subject and stress make me cry.
I emailed the teacher and if she says we don't have to present in class I'm going to submit the video I made for this.

I'm out...but I'm not.
I told my mom that I was neither straight nor monogamous
She told me not to tell the family
and prays for my soul every night.
At school I say proudly who and what I am
while secretly fearing
that it will get back to my family
I say proudly who I am
and then double-check every internet post
To make sure my father doesn't catch on
I hope someday to meet someone
someone I can spend my life with
not someone who completes me
someone who enriches me
and I don't care what their gender might be
except for when I dream
I dream I fall in love with a girl
and we want to get married
and when I invite my family
to this dream wedding...
They reject me.
In these dreams I have children
children who will never know half their family
and in my dreams I decide it's better to be alone.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Lightbulb moment

So the past week or two have (has?) been difficult. My crazysauce is dominant and I'm having to force myself not to bolt when I'm walking outside (I don't always succeed). It is DEFINITELY affecting my performance at school. But I've been pulling through (barely in some cases). Math was taking a huge hit. I just wasn't processing things on concepts that I know I know. It's like, I understood the idea, but not the application thereof.
I had a quiz today and I'm not done with all the classwork (we submit electronically). I was freaking out a little and I was determined to work hard on it yesterday before my hair appointment (which ended up getting cancelled). Instead I geeked out with my classmate (who is rapidly becoming a friend) for FOUR HOURS. It was an accident, but it was a very good decision. I woke up this morning able to math. When I went outside to the other fridge to fetch my yogurt (if I don't put it there my brothers eat it all) I was able to suppress my panic reflex easier than I have in WEEKS.
It's not news to me that reducing stress helps my mental health (and processes!), but it seems like I always forget. I get so focused on what needs to get done that...I basically forget that *I* have to be in working order to get those things done. Scheduling geek out time won't work, but I need to be better about embracing destressers. Yes, my kdramas and such are a distraction, but you know what? If I'm going to get good grades those distractions are neccessary.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012


I haven't just sidelined my friend's cancer, I'm coming to terms with it. The day I posted I was looking at my stats and it showed that someone had read my pondering in immortality. I read it and...yeah, was reminded. I was reminded of how much of her will live on even if she dies. So thank you to whoever read that. I also want to say thank you to the people that reminded me that there is always hope even if doctors can't see it. I won't say I'm "good" no matter what happens, but...I think I'm in a better place about it...
Which is NOT to say my brain is in a good place. Because it's not. Have you ever had that moment when anxiety/panic kicks in and you can't stop yourself for booking it to the door in an effort to get inside where it's safe because your brain has decided that something (I'm not going to say zombies, but probably zombies) is after you? Yeah, that was me this morning. I'm inside, in my room, trying to psych myself up for going out the front door...and speedwalking to my car because fuck if I can control my brain. *sigh*
 I need to go into the kitchen to make Tang. I have a problem with keeping hydrated and don't like drinking plain water, so Tang it is. If I can do that I can make it out the door. My mental Rob Schneider is shouting "You Can Do EET!", but I think he's also hiding so that the zombies get me first.
Yay crazy! Hilarious...when it's not happening :/ .