Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Saturday, December 29, 2012


In some ways I'm doing okay. I'm not in the MAJOR slump I was in, and I'm feeling a little more...self-aware? I don't know the right word. At this point in my life I'm pretty aware of the way my mind works and so on, but I get caught up in it sometimes. And I'm not right now. Caught up in it I mean.
Life is less than ideal right now. Everybody at home is cranky and unconsciously encouraging me to look forward to missing them. Hardcore. I'm entirely worn out. My body is saying "fuck you" and fucking with me. I'm bummed out because I can't do the waaay early uni application I was planning on. I'm bummed out because I don't have money (okay, that's pretty consistent, but the after Christmas sales are bumming me out even more. I mean, the complete BBC (70s and 80s) Jane Austen 63% off and the Firth mini-series for 8 dollars? *sob*). I'm exhausted. My brain is digging in its heels and doesn't want me preparing for next quarter. I don't feel ready for next quarter at all. I just want to curl up in a ball and escape.
I'm reading a SHIT ton of romance right now. Well, really, I'm just reading a shit ton. More than usual (a lot of people might be surprised to learn I can read MORE than usual). I'm just...
I can remember when I was younger and indulging in my favourite addiction (BOOKS in case it isn't clear) and someone (I can't remember who) got all huffy with me. "You're only reading to escape from reality!" I looked at them like they were stupid and said "Well, YEAH." The only reason I can function in this world is because I can block it out and escape to another. The real world is fucking HARD. It hurts you, abuses you, and spits you out. Then you're supposed to be hunky dory and able to do everything you could before it fucked with you.
That's not the way it works.
People need recovery time, and I can't comprehend why that's so hard to understand. If you break a leg, you need time to recover and let it heal (contrary to what my ex seemed to think, but that's a whole 'nother story). Life breaks us all the time. And we need time to heal from that. And sometimes we can't and we have to learn to function without a figurative limb. Or sometimes we can heal, but we're always a little stiff. Sometimes arthritis sets in. This analogy is getting away from me.
I don't even know what I'm rambling about at this point. I want to connect with people and I want to be left alone. I want to learn so MANY things, and I just want to curl up in my bed and read brain candy. I'm dreaming and working towards a goal I don't truly believe is achievable.
Rarely do I wish to be normal (so boring), but at times like these normal seems SO much easier.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Comfort Eating

This is why I have a blog. Because I can't afford cognitive therapy. ;)
So yeah, I've not mentioned a lot about my food/self-image/obesity issues, but they exist. Fibromyalgia is not the only reason for my obesity. I have a really fucked up relationship with food. I feel guilty every time I eat. So I try to hide my eating, which makes me feel guiltier, which leads into a really shitty cycle.
Eating in public? Oh boy. Yeah. I can feel those judging eyes on me EVERY TIME. I wish it was all in my head, but I've heard and overheard enough to know it's not, in fact, only in the noggin. People see a fat chick eating a salad "HA, who is she kidding?" Eating a burger "Geez, eat a salad!" There's no winning. No matter where you are, people think it's okay to give you advice. Being fat means you NEED their sage wisdom, even if they don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
Portion control. I fucking hate that phrase. "Oh, sweetie, you can lose that weight in NO time if you just exercise portion control!" Oh, really? So portion control is going to fix my chronic pain disorder? Portion control is going to fix the childhood experiences that taught me that eating is bad? Portion control is going to fix my crippling mental illnesses? Really? Tell me more, guru, tell me more!
I'm a fast and binge girl. I've mostly (sort of, somewhat) got the fasting part under control, but the bingeing I'm still working on. A lot of people seem to think that when I say "fast and binge" I mean that I fast until hunger overwhelms me and then binge. This is not, in fact, the case. I'm saying "in fact" a lot...whatthefuckever. No, I fast when I feel guilty. If I fast long enough it releases DELIGHTFUL endorphins in the brain (at least in my case), this is why it's a hard thing to stop doing. It really screwed up my body too. It's only recently that I've been able to recognize signals that my body is hungry. This is progress. And leads into the whole reason I'm on my blog right now.
Shut up stomach, there is no way that the growling you are letting lose has ANYTHING to do with actual hunger. I keep feeding you!
Ahem. Yes. So. The connection that would let my brain and body know "Hey! You haven't given me enough fuel to get through this day, could we get some now?" has been an issue for me. I could go a full day and simply forget to eat. At one point I could go a couple days before the fasting euphoria kicked in (while it was intentional during a brief period of my youth, it became something that just...happened) and reminded me that I hadn't eaten. I would also go through periods where the very thought of eating made me nauseous.
Comfort eating. It's a problem. When I'm going through emotional periods that I can't seem to handle, my brain and body decide that I need to eat. Like... A LOT. It's kind of a compulsion and it is INCREDIBLY hard not to eat. For a few reasons. Reason the first: It actually DOES help my emotional state (though when the food guilt kicks in it doesn't help my mental health any). Reason the second: My body and brain work in concert. Where normally I might not recognize hunger, in these cases my stomach will start growling like I haven't fed it in daaaaaaays. I forget what i was going to say for Reason the third because I'm fucking TIRED.
Sometimes comfort eating is easy. When it's easy my brain will clue me in to what it wants "FEED ME CHEESY MAC AND CHEESE OF THE CHEESIEST VARIETY" it might say. So I go and get a big old bowl of mac and cheese and the craving is (usually) satisfied. If I'm REALLY lucky it happens early in the day and i can make a little extra effort to burn the calories off, and getting said calories is more convenient.
Then there's moments right now. Where my stomach won't stop growling and my brain says "FEED ME ALL THE THINGS" and that it will figure out what it was that it wanted later. It's almost midnight. I'm lying in bed in my nightshirt. It's cold out. I can't go make something in the kitchen because everyone's going to bed. And there isn't anything that can be quickly and quietly made. We've got ingredients, that's it. I don't really have any money to spare, and even if I did (and I would find a way to spare it) I wouldn't know what to get. I've eaten myself sick in situations like this. Because my body and brain just kept demanding more food and I became distraught. Admittedly, it's only happened a couple of times, but it HAS happened. If I knew what would satisfy this comfort food craving I would get it. Pie? There's a Shari's ten minutes away. Heck, the Shari's could satisfy a bunch of possible cravings. But it's almost midnight. I'm tired. I'm too tired to drive aimlessly around in an area that shuts down early in the vain hope that I'll figure out what my brain wants. I'm too tired to go buy a meal at Shari's that I can't really afford to comfort a vague craving for SOMETHING.
This is why I periodically stock up on convenience food. Because my brain tends towards certain cravings. Cheese. Cheese makes my brain very happy. So if I keep mac and cheese stashed I'm GENERALLY good. But sometimes I'm not, and if I make mac and cheese I'll only be able to stare at it in disgust. So then I make sure I have some Spaghetti-Os. I don't usually eat them because they give me indigestion (as a general rule), but when i'm craving them I have to have them. I'll get the snack sized chocolate bars. Pressed fruit bars. Pudding. I'll have these little stashes I feel vaguely guilty about, but that keep me from gorging myself when the situation arises. Except for when i'm pretty much out and the situation arises at late-as-fuck-thirty.
I'm hungry. Or at least my brain and body seem to think I am in the face of evidence :/.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Recovery mode

It was WORTH IT.
That said, oh boy am I in recovery mode. I ended up doing a teensy bit more than intended last night. After the potluck/movie night (that I ended up taking a couple of friends to), I dropped one friend of at home and then took another to a bar. It was because her friend's band was playing. I went in to say hi to someone and ended up staying. For at least an hour. It was glorious. I think it might be on my "I want" list. Live music in a bar with friend? If not it should have been.
But yeah, I'm fatigued on both the physical and mental levels. And I have choices to make. Which sucks. I hate having to decide things.
So, yeah. I was getting very angsty awhile back about applying for social security. Well, that whole application process ended up a mess because, frankly, I had not understanding of what I was doing. Which I pretty much still don't. HOWEVER, long story short there was this appeal thing I had to write a letter for. Said letter was, apparently, "bizarre" (in the words of the social worker) and ended up getting my appeal dismissed. Not denied, dismissed. This is important.
So I decided to reapply. Because I don't understand anything and thought that was what I was supposed to do. Did a phone thing, set up a phone interview with a social worker. Ended up on the phone with her for TWO HOURS. Partially because I was a blubbery wreck (I hate stress crying), partially because the social worker was amazing and took the time to try and explain things to me. We tentatively have me going ahead with my new application, but I actually have another option. Pursuing the appeal. With a lawyer. :/ I have a little while to think about it, but...
There's actually a third option. Not the greatest one financially, but...I could not pursue either course of action and simply try to get by on financial aid. Which is stupidly appealing. I just...
Bah, I don't know what to do. I hate not knowing what to do. I hate being such a gibbering wreck about stuff. I hate the fact that I KNOW the only reason I'm considering that a viable option right now is that I'm at the beginning of an upswing. When I emerge from the dark, EVERY time, I have this false confidence that I have conquered the dark this time, never to return. I know it isn't true and that I have to account for that in my plans, but...That feeling of hope is so glorious that I can't help but succumb to it. 

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Home Church

I don't even know how to tag this post. Heh. I think it's indicative of how much time I spend on the internet that that thought even occurred to me.
So, as already has been established (I think) I am a Christian (liberal I suppose) raised by Christians (definitely conservative!). This has given me a childhood and upbringing I wouldn't change for the WORLD (of course, I wouldn't change anything that happened to me in the past because it made me the me I am today, and I kinda like that me). But...It also causes me some discomfort.
Over the past year of living with my mother I've learned to keep my bedroom door closed when she has home church. Not just because of social issues, or the fact that I'm very messy. More because they'll often talk about things in a way that makes me really uncomfortable. I can't get angry with them because they are being loving and have the best of intentions. But...some of the convos about bringing Jews to Christ were cringe-worthy at best. Plus I don't want to start drama in my (rent-free) home.
I like most of my mom's (small) church as individuals. Very sweet, caring people who (overall) typify what I view as "real" Christians, with such generous spirits and loving hearts that it's impossible not to appreciate. But the same things that make them these wonderful, WONDERFUL, people make them...i don't even know. I can't say narrow or close minded, because that would create an erroneous image. No, i think it's more...They can't even conceive of what a world-view different from theirs would be like. They see shades of gray more than others, but still. I wish I could explain why I love, resent, dislike, adore, admire, and avoid these people. It's just such a visceral and emotional reaction that I can't even articulate it. :/

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Overload Ahead

Soo...this coming week is going to go into overload territory. My body is kinda crapping out on me and finals have brain all a-jumble. Very much looking forward to the break. But before the break is this week.
Sunday? My mom has a Cookie Lee party to which I will be ferrying a friend or two.
Monday? Last class meeting for my Communications 101 class and our teacher (who is completely AWESOME (just fyi)) wants us to do a potluck thing.
Tuesday? A new friend is having a small little end of the quarter shindig. She's invited around twenty people (maybe a little less) and I'm one of them. I want to make cookies for her because she's cooking us Indonesian food and sushi.
Wednesday? Well, Wednesday shouldn't be too bad...hopefully. (edit: PHEW managed to sidestep an invite! I would normally feel bad, but I'm probably hanging out with the exact same people the next day)
Thursday? Afternoon dance party with the international students, semi-potluck.
Friday? God willing NOTHING.
Saturday? Drive my friend to his hair appointment then go to a holiday party in the evening that is (wait for it...) Potluck!!
Sunday? Collapse.
So Saturday I will probably be baking all day. Going to whip out my mad cookie skillz and make this happen. Also hoping that my body holds out. Because it's starting to stumble this week. Fatigue, disorientation, dizziness, fun stuff :/. Fingers crossed!!

Sunday, December 2, 2012


I probably spelled that wrong. In any case, it appears that I am, indeed, in an upturn. Went to karaoke with friends (and professor and a couple miscellaneous classmates) and it was amazing. We were there for three, three and a half hours. My throat is still sore. I'm so happy, I didn't have a panic attack!! Well, not a full-on one anyways. I could tell my body was trying to do something because I was waaay shorter of breath than the situation warranted. But what matters is that I didn't have an attack, almost only counts in horseshoes...I think. I haven't played since I was a kid but I've heard that phrase oh-so-many times ;).
It's not just the fact that I'm in an upswing. I mean, me not having a panic attack isn't. Just because of the upswing... Anyways. It's because most of the people there were my friends and a safe space was created. I know these people like me, and that they wouldn't let someone else be mean to me, so I felt safe. It was glorious. We sang, we danced, we acted like fools, and I was happy.
I'm not sure how I'm going to do in finals week, but I know that my GPA is acceptable for university, I have friends who are more than willing to help me study (even when it's long distance when I'm in another state), I have another friend I'll be able to see regularly when I'm in AZ (we're hoping to have an in-person hangout once a month), I have a personal statement for my uni app that I'm happy with, and I was able to socialize in a group while doing karaoke. Life is good.