Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Saturday, December 29, 2012


In some ways I'm doing okay. I'm not in the MAJOR slump I was in, and I'm feeling a little more...self-aware? I don't know the right word. At this point in my life I'm pretty aware of the way my mind works and so on, but I get caught up in it sometimes. And I'm not right now. Caught up in it I mean.
Life is less than ideal right now. Everybody at home is cranky and unconsciously encouraging me to look forward to missing them. Hardcore. I'm entirely worn out. My body is saying "fuck you" and fucking with me. I'm bummed out because I can't do the waaay early uni application I was planning on. I'm bummed out because I don't have money (okay, that's pretty consistent, but the after Christmas sales are bumming me out even more. I mean, the complete BBC (70s and 80s) Jane Austen 63% off and the Firth mini-series for 8 dollars? *sob*). I'm exhausted. My brain is digging in its heels and doesn't want me preparing for next quarter. I don't feel ready for next quarter at all. I just want to curl up in a ball and escape.
I'm reading a SHIT ton of romance right now. Well, really, I'm just reading a shit ton. More than usual (a lot of people might be surprised to learn I can read MORE than usual). I'm just...
I can remember when I was younger and indulging in my favourite addiction (BOOKS in case it isn't clear) and someone (I can't remember who) got all huffy with me. "You're only reading to escape from reality!" I looked at them like they were stupid and said "Well, YEAH." The only reason I can function in this world is because I can block it out and escape to another. The real world is fucking HARD. It hurts you, abuses you, and spits you out. Then you're supposed to be hunky dory and able to do everything you could before it fucked with you.
That's not the way it works.
People need recovery time, and I can't comprehend why that's so hard to understand. If you break a leg, you need time to recover and let it heal (contrary to what my ex seemed to think, but that's a whole 'nother story). Life breaks us all the time. And we need time to heal from that. And sometimes we can't and we have to learn to function without a figurative limb. Or sometimes we can heal, but we're always a little stiff. Sometimes arthritis sets in. This analogy is getting away from me.
I don't even know what I'm rambling about at this point. I want to connect with people and I want to be left alone. I want to learn so MANY things, and I just want to curl up in my bed and read brain candy. I'm dreaming and working towards a goal I don't truly believe is achievable.
Rarely do I wish to be normal (so boring), but at times like these normal seems SO much easier.

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