Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Recovery mode

It was WORTH IT.
That said, oh boy am I in recovery mode. I ended up doing a teensy bit more than intended last night. After the potluck/movie night (that I ended up taking a couple of friends to), I dropped one friend of at home and then took another to a bar. It was because her friend's band was playing. I went in to say hi to someone and ended up staying. For at least an hour. It was glorious. I think it might be on my "I want" list. Live music in a bar with friend? If not it should have been.
But yeah, I'm fatigued on both the physical and mental levels. And I have choices to make. Which sucks. I hate having to decide things.
So, yeah. I was getting very angsty awhile back about applying for social security. Well, that whole application process ended up a mess because, frankly, I had not understanding of what I was doing. Which I pretty much still don't. HOWEVER, long story short there was this appeal thing I had to write a letter for. Said letter was, apparently, "bizarre" (in the words of the social worker) and ended up getting my appeal dismissed. Not denied, dismissed. This is important.
So I decided to reapply. Because I don't understand anything and thought that was what I was supposed to do. Did a phone thing, set up a phone interview with a social worker. Ended up on the phone with her for TWO HOURS. Partially because I was a blubbery wreck (I hate stress crying), partially because the social worker was amazing and took the time to try and explain things to me. We tentatively have me going ahead with my new application, but I actually have another option. Pursuing the appeal. With a lawyer. :/ I have a little while to think about it, but...
There's actually a third option. Not the greatest one financially, but...I could not pursue either course of action and simply try to get by on financial aid. Which is stupidly appealing. I just...
Bah, I don't know what to do. I hate not knowing what to do. I hate being such a gibbering wreck about stuff. I hate the fact that I KNOW the only reason I'm considering that a viable option right now is that I'm at the beginning of an upswing. When I emerge from the dark, EVERY time, I have this false confidence that I have conquered the dark this time, never to return. I know it isn't true and that I have to account for that in my plans, but...That feeling of hope is so glorious that I can't help but succumb to it. 


  1. My mom and dad had to hire a lawyer to file an appeal for my sister's social security. Call her please! She will help you get through this and get you what you need... They were even able to get BACK social security... years worth!!! She can help you out!

  2. The same thing happened with my Dad, actually, come to think of it. It took several years of fighting - no lawyers, but having to wait six months to reapply, etc. etc. - *and* his claim was a physical, very obvious, disability, and he was still denied many times. Be strong, my dear; I think you should sally forth, at least once more, into the breach.