Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Saturday, April 28, 2012


I am going to rant again. It will be somewhat of a repeat of my previous post. I am on sudafed, have a headache in spite of said sudafed and copious amounts of painkiller and am feeling particularly cranky. Also, the only reason there's not more about the racism I've had to deal with this week is because the teacher responded and redirected the other stuff into more productive pathways. Communications Doctorate FTW!
I actually initially wrote this as a note for fb but am not sure I should post it because reasons. FORTUNATELY, this blog exists so that I *DON"T* have to edit myself even if I am not entirely with it due to medication or alcohol (or and alcohol, though that's not the best idea kids). So here it is!!
Right now I desperately want a "Lynch Racists" t-shirt. Yes, I see the irony, but sometimes humour is the only way to cope with crap like this. Since separating from Russ, I just haven't had to. Not because Russ is racist, he isn't. His dad is. Incredibly so. As in "n-word"-change-the-channel-when-someone-black-comes-on racist. There was no talking to him, I tried. It was incredibly relaxing to not have to deal with that crap anymore.
This week has just been aggravating. It started with a racist moment that was just facepalm worthy. The person in question is incredibly sweet, but also an incredibly bad communicator with a very narrow (as opposed to closed) mindset. I honestly don't think she intended anything by what she said, and the way she dithered while talking kind of supports the idea. I mean...she started out not wanting to use the word "turban" because she thought it might be offensive. The rest of what she said was just painful to listen to. I felt incredibly embarrassed on her behalf. She's not stupid, but she is narrow-minded and inarticulate. I feel bad saying that because she is so nice, but it's true.
That one was an "I just...I don't even...what?" moment. The next incidents all centered around one individual, his racist attitudes and the fury they instill within me. Pulling that "chingchongching" crap on me does NOT fly. Responding to a mild "Dude, that's kind of racist" with "I'm exercising my freedom of speech!" is just dumb. I never said he couldn't say racist things, but I am just as entitled to use my freedom of speech to identify them as such. I have had too many incredibly sweet Asian men and women (and I do mean Asian, not just East Asian) who looked out for me and treated me like family, to sit quietly. I thought I managed to be restrained and diplomatic under the circumstances. Which, as many of you know, is most definitely not my forte.
I had resolved not to talk to him anymore, but when he joined in a conversation I was having with someone else...What was I going to do? Say "racists aren't allowed to talk"? The conversation was about the midterm we just took and how we felt about going to class. Then it moved on to clothes, and for some reason surfing. The gal I was talking with somehow started talking about how it felt to be the white minority in an Hispanic neighbourhood in California. I think it was in San Diego. This could actually have been an interesting conversation...if he hadn't involved himself. He started going on and on about "Mexicans", gang members and how if they gave him "shit" he'd tell them to get out of his country. I didn't have a chance to respond to that. If I had I would have pointed out that California was settled by the friggin' Spanish; and that, from what I've gathered from documentaries and interviews, a lot of those gang members have family that has lived here for generations. The oldest of the Mexican gangs still in existence today was started in 1890. I'm not excusing criminal activity, I'm just saying he's an ignorant racist (I suppose that's rather redundant).
Then he started in on black people in the South. I know that there are a lot of racist people of all colors. I have witnessed it from all ethnicities, genders and orientations. I have also never had it directed at me since I've become an adult. I don't know why. I mean, sexism I've had to deal for a loooong time. Racism though? It's never been an issue, though I have witnessed people who treated me with respect then treat someone else of the same gender and apparent ethnicity with disrespect. I freely admit that this may give me a skewed perspective on the subject. However, that does not mean that you can generalize and say that an entire ethnicity is racist! I spoke up and said so. It was a hopeless endeavour, but what was I going to do? Validate his racism by staying silent and allowing him to continue his rant unopposed? No, I'm sorry, that's not okay. I am sincerely sympathetic if some black people treated you in a racist manner, or with less respect than you think you deserve Mr. "chingchongching". Okay, maybe I'm not sincere.
We've spent weeks hanging out before class and talking about music. This mostly consisted of me showing him bands he'd never heard of, from a number of different countries. I'd shown him Korean pop music videos. All of this crap came out of the blue. I don't know why. Maybe I offended him by pointing out something mildly racist he said, so now he wants to show me how racist he can be? I don't know. I will endeavour to be as courteous as possible, but I am still going to exercise my freedom of speech to call him out.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Mixed bag

The week thus far has been a mixed bag of annoyances and awesomeness. Actually...I'm not sure annoyances is a strong enough word for my feelings regarding racism, inadvertent or otherwise. I mean, one of  the incidents definitely falls more under the "annoying" category, because it was from Mrs. White Republican. I am certain that she wasn't intending any sort of racism, but....GAH. SO STUPID. I mean, she was going on about a guy and how he was offended by her short shorts...she wasn't sure if he was offended by her short shorts...well, his kids were with him so he might have been offended by her short shorts. Why? Because he was wearing a flippin' turban. Oh! Also, initially she didn't want to use the word "turban" because she thought it might be offensive. Really? With everything else you said you thought the word "turban" would be offensive?
I messaged my bfam and much hilarity was had at her expense. She's such a sweet lady that I feel kind of guilty, She's the one who decided a guy was offended by her because he was wearing a turban. If he hadn't been wearing a turban she would just have thought he was checking her out! Which she as much as admitted. But, again, hilarity was had, and she's such a nice lady that I couldn't stay offended for long. It's not like she was saying something hateful....
 So why did I post a video to a racist rant? Because I actually encountered this chingchong shit in real life. There's a classmate I've been hanging out with and showing all sorts of international music videos to. They were primarily Korean, so this came out of the blue for me. I was showing him a MV by Miyavi (a Japanese visual kei star), when he pulls out the ching chong shit. I'm not sure if my jaw dropped literally, but it definitely did metaphorically. "Dude, that's kinda racist..." He got a snitty look on his face and replied "I'm exercising my right to free speech."
I've decided that I will be exercising my right to free silence from now on. He and Mr. "All Europeans have the same accent" can have fun with their brainless conversations.
HOWEVER. Hilarity was still had at his expense with my friend the Japanese women's lit major ;).
Racism is not funny. However, stupidity tends to be and I have yet to find an intelligent argument for rascism. So, racists of the world, keep it coming. I'll still laugh at you and refuse to take you seriously because you lack the intelligence to be interesting in any other way.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

O Frabjous Day!

Callooh! Callay! I hung out with my fantabulously wonderful friend Sonya (who I haven't seen in 3 years) today. So great! I cannot express! Though I was reminded of something... filters aren't so great, which is why I am incredibly honest. The thing is...this means that I say things without thinking of my audience. So I made a few slips in front of her 14 year old daughter. I've never had a great filter to start with, but it's almost disappeared over the last few years. I've even used foul language in front of my mother which is, uh...awkward. As I look back my ability to filter seems to be directly related to how much stress I am under. As my anxiety worsened, more and more of my brain and coping skills were required to function at work. As the stress level in my marriage grew, more and more of my brain and coping skills were required even when I *wasn't* at work. Eventually my filters were almost non-existent. Now I get to rebuild them so I can be a better, more socially acceptable, me! Also so I don't inadvertently use foul language in front of a teenager and her mother. And particularly so I remember not to use foul language in front of my mother!
OW OW OW OW OW. I don't mind getting a sunburn when I had the opportunity to put on sunscreen and didn't. But why did it have to be on my knee?? I am soooo tired, but I can't sleep because I have a sunburn on the inside of my knee so no matter what I do I just can't get comfortable...
It was totally worth it though.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

le sigh

I'm trying to buckle down to my homework, but it's difficult for a number of reasons. First and foremost is that it's nice outside and I'd like to be out there reading. Yes, I did say reading. Don't judge me! hehehe. Seriously, one of the best things about summertime for me was always grabbing a blanket and going outside to read (in the shade usually because I'm deathly afraid of skin cancer). The other reasons is because the weather pendulum has swung again, so my fibro says it is angry and I HURT. This makes it hard to concentrate on anything for any decent length of time.
I have a whole bunch of schoolwork and need to study math so I can test out high enough to be done with my AA by next summer. But I just want a hammock and a book right now...Unfortunately I *have* the books, so I'm being less than productive ;)

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

What I want

I want...
I want to be able to go to a convention by myself. Before that can happen...I want to be able to go to a convention, even with a "minder/bodyguard", and enjoy myself. I want to cosplay. I want to be a Steam Punk Pirate. I want to see my favourite webcartoonists, artists, and authors. I want to experience fandom first hand, instead of at a remove like I do. I want to go to motherfucking PAX. I mean, that's not the only one I want to go to, but...Good grief, I've been less than an hour away from it for the entirety of its existence and know a number of the Enforcers and I've never been! Same goes for Sakuracon, Norwescon and SteamCon.
I want a month to go by where my brain doesn't do anything to me. Where I don't want to hurt myself in any way, where I don't shake, where I don't huddle in my room, where I don't come home completely exhausted simply from going to class. I want a month to go by without hurting, without my body rebelling against me, without back pain, without muscle spasms. I want a month where I can be just like anybody else my age.
I want to be able to attend a Pride event. I want to be able to walk in a crowd of other people who are "other" like me and hug a drag queen, because they are, to me, the epitomy of everything wonderful, theatric and beautiful. Going to an event and hugging a beautiful stranger, what's not to want there? I mean, I have hugged drag queens before, but they weren't strangers. This is an important distinction. I've also hugged people who were merely in drag, this is, again, an important distinction.
I want to go to a karaoke bar and embarass myself in front of strangers.
I want to dance in public.
I want to sing in front of people and not be quavering inside. I don't care who they are, I don't care where I am, I just want to have the confidence to do that.
I don't want to do these things so medicated that I don't know what's going on, but as long as I can do these things, be myself, remember it and enjoy it, I don't give a good goddamn how many drugs they have to pump into me.
Damn it all to Valhalla and back, I want to enjoy my fucking life.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Well, that's annoying

So right now I'm walking this thin line of really enjoying school and being overwhelmed by it. Part of it is all of the social interaction, part of it's my fibro flaring. I'm going on a little over two weeks of not a day without painkiller. Yay. /sigh. In class I'm so exhausted that I'm afraid I'm not picking things up. So far I seem to be getting it, but I'm worried that I'll fall behind. I am so incredibly grateful for my note taker in Intercultural Communications and Access Services in general. If I didn't have that back up I don't know what I'd be doing right now.
I'm interacting with people a LOT. It's...good, but overwhelming. Very overwhelming. I may be pushing myself too hard in this arena, but...I don't know how else to do it. I'm an all or nothing sort of girl. I also really, truly, honestly enjoy people. My brain just doesn't like it.
I'm falling behind on schoolwork, in spite of not watching my shows. I just...I get home and my mind is so all over the place and jumpy that I just curl up and play solo games on the computer or (more likely) escape into a book. I know I have work to do, and it's not that I'm lazy, I just... My crazy wants to run away. I want school to go well so incredibly much, but my crazy is just like..."Why the fuck are you putting me through this? Why can't we just stay in the room and have the world leave us alone??" And this is *with* medication.
I just don't know what to do.

Friday, April 13, 2012

You learn something new

So I've been a volunteer conversation partner for two weeks now. This means the International Student department teams me up with someone who's come to the school to learn English and I answer questions, clarify things and help them with their pronunciation. I am seriously loving it. It's not just making new friends (and one of the students is becoming a bud), it's how fulfilling it is to help someone achieve something. In this case it's better fluency.
People used to tell me "You should be a teacher!" and I scoffed at them. I have a low tolerance for bullshit and am a very impatient person. But this...I don't know, I'm just really, truly enjoying the experience. It makes me understand why people want to become teachers and kind of makes me want to get my TEFL certs. I have a long way to go before I could do that, but it's really appealing right now.
Don't worry, I know that this could merely be enthusiasm clouding my senses. But...the truth is I've always enjoyed helping people with their English (when they ask!) and meeting people from cultural backgrounds different than my own. Funny how those two things often go hand in hand ;).
I was talking to an internet friend about it, which is why I'm blogging about it. It. Teaching. I hate admitting people might be right about me, so I won't. Because I understand that helping peers with their English is a big step away from teaching it. Still, it's a thought.
On another note, is it next summer yet? I want to be in Arizona. NOW. The weather here is going bananas (like it does) and wreaking havoc on my poor benighted body. I haven't gone a day without painkiller in a couple weeks now. Which reminds me (*goes and takes another*). The thing is, sometimes I can sit in one spot and get my pain to a comfortable ache (it's hard to explain unless you've experienced it), but if you forget that your painkiller is going to wear off and then stand up? AGONY. So I have hopefully averted AGONY. I really want to be somewhere with less changeable weather right now. At least school is awesome. Lots of work, and I'm falling behind a bit, but awesome nonetheless.


I'm not surprised that I got another denial letter. I'm kind of torn, but...I don't think I'll continue pursuing disability, partially because they have their heads up their asses so far it's a wonder they see the light of day. I mean...c'mon. The only jobs I'm qualified for involve working with the public and yet SOCIAL PHOBIA could not in any way affect my ability to work? Wow, special. I feel kind of like going to their offices in Olympia and saying to them "Y'all say that I can work and support myself in spite of my laundry list of disorders. That these disorders do not, in fact, affect my ability to perform job functions. I am willing to work. So find me this mythical customer service job where I can do my job without interacting with the public and I will be ALL over that shit."
In other news I've been feeling kind of pissy lately.
In other other news I have no fucking clue how I'm going to come up with the money to buy a car when I can't work. Well, I could work if I had the qualifications for the jobs that don't require working with the public. That would include having a reliably functioning body. Which I don't have. So yaaaay! I'd create a Chip-in thingummy, but that would just be awkward "Hey, I can't work, but the state says I can and I need a car so I can move to a different state where I also won't be able to work! :D "
In yet other news Fighting!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012 much for that.

If you're not aware, words can trigger all sorts of thoughts and actions. That's why when someone knows they have friends who've survived abuse, rape, or have a mental illness they'll often put a warning a the beginning of a post that says "Warning: May trigger." This means that words contained therein, or the content itself, may trigger bad memories, flashbacks, anxiety, panic, what have you. Clear? Good
Warning: May trigger.

Oooooo, Spring!

I walked out of the house this morning and could smell spring rain. The climate here may not be kind to my fibro, but the smells, oh! the smells, they make me happy. I love the smell right before and after it rains in the springtime.
Before it rains you can smell it. It's's like smelling the sea without the salt. It's just incredibly fresh and kind of sweet smelling. Some mornings it's better than coffee, because I just take a deeeeeep breath, hold it for a second then let it out. I feel filled up with springtime, like flower with the rain.
The smell after it rains is completely different. It's no longer the potential rain I'm smelling, it's earth, leaves, flowers, trees, growth, just life I guess. Flowers smell different after the rain, the stronger smelling ones don't smell quite as strong but somehow are more potent at the same time. It's like...I don't know, it's kind of like rain brings out the essence of the flower, but it's mixed with the rain so it's...diluted essence?

Saturday, April 7, 2012

In defense of Mrs. White Republican

I feel I ought to speak up for my nemesis of the previous post. While I don't know her all that well (she sits in the front row, so...) from what I've observed she seems to be a courteous, well-spoken and pretty nice lady. I don't think she was actively trying to be oppressive or mean. I truly don't. I think she was expressing her opinion and for whatever reason could not bring herself to back down from it. In all honesty I think I'd like her, given the opportunity. And the experience gave me a little insight into my own opinions. I believe that oppression comes predominantly from ignorance rather than malice.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Yeah, I'm a badass

Okay, so the whole thing was not badass on its own, but in context I was completely badass. So at this point I think I've established that my crazy makes class interesting. I have to sit at the back of the room with the wall to my back, because if I have people sitting behind me...yeah, my brain doesn't like that much. In related news, standing in front of the class is a problem too. Speaking up in class I've gotten better about, but actually participating in conversation, debate and general exchange of ideas is a challenge. My intercultural communications class is full up, meaning we have something like...30? I think it's about 30 people, might be 25, suffice to say there is not an empty seat in the room. This is the context.
So let's set the scene. The teacher has been having us put our desk/table/thingummies into a circle at the beginning of each class period. This has proven helpful for me, because we're pretty much all on the same footing so far as my brain is concerned (and I still have my back to the wall so yay). About...oh, halfway through the class she calls for volunteers for a hierarchy exercise. People are representing groups in the political process. So we have the white republican male (or a guy willing to represent such) standing on one table, while the white republican female sits on the other. This gives us a starting point. I, of course, have stuck to my desk cuz hell no.
There's a gentleman in my class who's First Nations and he brought his daughter with him. They were participating (she was such a good sport), but kind of wandering around. The teacher was asking them their place in the political process and having a nice little dialogue when Mrs. White Republican chimes in with a comment to the affect that ALL indians get shitloads of money and benefits. Mr. First Nations (who is a complete gentleman) seems to be gathering his thoughts when she continues with the fact that she knows this because she's married to a man of the Puyallup tribe and has two kids with him and so knows how much money they get. Mr. First Nations and his daughter seem to be gathering their thoughts (and jaws) when I chime in with "You can't generalize like that. Just like anything else there is a hierarchy among the tribes and the Puyallup tribe happens to be THE most prosperous tribe in the area!"
At that point I got some backup from Mr and Miss First Nations who chimed in with agreement and support. Mrs. White Republican wouldn't drop it. It was kind of getting on my last nerve, because here are two people who are actually  *OF* a less prosperous tribe and she wasn't listening to them. I mean, I can honestly understand why she wouldn't listen to me because I am pale as HELL. But to ignore them? I became ireful.
"Have you ever been asked to do a friggin' Rain Dance?" Miss First Nations chimes in with, "Yeah! I have!". Mrs. White Republican doesn't respond so I continue. "Have you ever had someone automatically assume that you're an alcoholic because they find out you've got Native American blood?" Miss First Nations chimes in with "They ask me if I do crack." (different generations I suppose) I was full of piss and vinegar at this point, which is why my badassery happened.
I was so frustrated at this point that I slid out from behind my desk, walked into the middle of the "hierarchy" and crawled under Mrs. White Republican's table. The teacher was sitting next to it and leaned forward, "Are you being an oppressed minority?" "Well," says I, "I'm not-white, not-straight and a whole lot of other 'nots' so yeah." At which point she announced to the class that we now had an oppressed minority.
It may not seem like much to you, oh mysterious internet, but to me it was a big deal. I put myself out there, voiced my opinion, kept the profanity to a minimum and participated in a group activity in front of the class. This is badass for someone with social phobia, anxiety and panic disorder...
Okay, I'll admit it, I had to stay under that desk for a bit because my heart was racing and I couldn't believe I'd actually done it, but luckily I got myself together before the end of the exercise so nobody noticed (I think). This does not, however, negate my badassery in my own mind.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Misc. Craziness

I brought up the subject of people saying "I couldn't tell! You don't look like you have a mental illness" and how it brings to mind the question "Well, what exactly am I supposed to look like then?". My teacher said "Crazy eyes." Which brought me to this brilliant idea. Spirals. On the eyelids. Because when cartoon characters go crazy they have spiraley eyes. My thought was sharpie, but bfam very sensibly pointed out that eyeliner might be a better idea.
Next topic: Lost time.
First of all, I'm sure there's some technical term for it that I don't know. Lost time is exactly what it sounds like, blink, time gone with no recollection of actually experiencing it. It's not really that big of a deal, or so I thought until I casually mentioned it to my mother and her eyes got real big and she said "That doesn't sound good!" To me it's never seemed like that big of a deal, because it's only happened when I'm doing something that I can do on autopilot (sorting, data entry, driving a regular commute), I've never had anything bad happen and have no reason to believe I've done anything other than complete an action on autopilot. I actually always thought it was a common autopilot thing, but maybe I'm wrong.