Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

What I want

I want...
I want to be able to go to a convention by myself. Before that can happen...I want to be able to go to a convention, even with a "minder/bodyguard", and enjoy myself. I want to cosplay. I want to be a Steam Punk Pirate. I want to see my favourite webcartoonists, artists, and authors. I want to experience fandom first hand, instead of at a remove like I do. I want to go to motherfucking PAX. I mean, that's not the only one I want to go to, but...Good grief, I've been less than an hour away from it for the entirety of its existence and know a number of the Enforcers and I've never been! Same goes for Sakuracon, Norwescon and SteamCon.
I want a month to go by where my brain doesn't do anything to me. Where I don't want to hurt myself in any way, where I don't shake, where I don't huddle in my room, where I don't come home completely exhausted simply from going to class. I want a month to go by without hurting, without my body rebelling against me, without back pain, without muscle spasms. I want a month where I can be just like anybody else my age.
I want to be able to attend a Pride event. I want to be able to walk in a crowd of other people who are "other" like me and hug a drag queen, because they are, to me, the epitomy of everything wonderful, theatric and beautiful. Going to an event and hugging a beautiful stranger, what's not to want there? I mean, I have hugged drag queens before, but they weren't strangers. This is an important distinction. I've also hugged people who were merely in drag, this is, again, an important distinction.
I want to go to a karaoke bar and embarass myself in front of strangers.
I want to dance in public.
I want to sing in front of people and not be quavering inside. I don't care who they are, I don't care where I am, I just want to have the confidence to do that.
I don't want to do these things so medicated that I don't know what's going on, but as long as I can do these things, be myself, remember it and enjoy it, I don't give a good goddamn how many drugs they have to pump into me.
Damn it all to Valhalla and back, I want to enjoy my fucking life.

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