If you're not aware, words can trigger all sorts of thoughts and actions. That's why when someone knows they have friends who've survived abuse, rape, or have a mental illness they'll often put a warning a the beginning of a post that says "Warning: May trigger." This means that words contained therein, or the content itself, may trigger bad memories, flashbacks, anxiety, panic, what have you. Clear? Good
Warning: May trigger.
I just followed a link to a blog post that really ought to have had that warning. Admittedly, considering I knew it was a post about consent maybe I should have known that it would be triggery. But I've read many posts about consensual sex that had no triggery words or stories because the posts were about communication.
That post was not just about communication.
In fact, it had a story that had my skin crawling and bad memories coming forth. See...my ex and I? We did not have a healthy relationship. Seriously. I'm not putting it all on his doorstep, because there are things I could have done to make it healthier (like leave!) and I didn't. I wasn't even aware of how fucked up the relationship was until I was out of it, looking back and realizing "That was not okay." Hopefully, he and his current squeeze will be able to better communicate and won't fall into the same shit hole we did.
Here's the thing. Wearing someone down so that they'll allow you to fuck them? That's not consent. It's really not. Anytime a person is left feeling like shit, gritting their teeth and waiting for it to be over and just praying that the other person will get off quickly so it'll stop...yeah, that's not exactly consensual. Regardless of if the person has said "Fine! Just get it over with." you're not having consensual sex, you are engaging in abusive behaviour and it's NOT OKAY.
I have had one instance of actual sexual assault (I don't like using the R-word and I don't like talking about it, so that's all you're getting), but I've come to the realization that I've gone through SEVEN YEARS of sexual abuse. I honestly don't think all of the blame is on my ex, because our culture teaches that that's just what guys do. That wearing someone down so that they'll have sex even if they don't want to counts as consent. Society says that that is consensual sex. Speaking as someone who has flashbacks about that "consensual" sex, no, it's not consensual.
Maybe some people are more indoctrinated than I am. I mean, I was very very sheltered growing up, so I never heard what "every" guy does or really had conversations about the sex act until I was much older. I squirm and am very uncomfortable when people talk casually about being pressured into sex by their partner. It reminds me of the times I laid there and let him do whatever he wanted and tried not to cry because it made me feel less than human.
People talk about objectification, about guys viewing women as sex objects. Let me tell you, there is a huge difference between looking at someone and saying "YUM" and making them a sex object. A sex object is something you use for sex and I have been one. It is awful. Language can make someone an object as well, don't get me wrong, but I feel like... Okay, so if any time a man admires a woman's looks and you accuse him of objectification, I feel like it's belittling what actually happened to me. If a man talks about a woman like she's a hunk of meat for him to fuck, *THAT* is objectification. 'kay? Clear? Good.
Trigger warnings: They're a good thing. Fuck. My day has just gone down the hole and now I get to go into public. Yay. /sarcasm.
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