So I've had my first couple of classes and HOLY SHIT THIS UNIVERSITY IS INTIMIDATINGLY LARGE. As in the number of attendees is a couple hundred more than the population of the CITY my community college was in. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I kind of was aware of this, but being aware and suddenly realizing how many people are actually there is a whoooooole 'nother ballgame.
I got lost two and a half times yesterday and ended up wandering for (accumulated) hours. I had to stay home today because I wrecked my body a bit. Not as bad as it would have been in the Puget Sound, but I also have blood blisters on my left foot (as well as regular blisters on both feet). I know where my classes are now though, so that's something *sigh*.
My crazysauce is having trouble with the amount of people at the university. But I think I can manage...hopefully. It should only be a problem at one point during the day. I get to my first class super early and there aren't a whole lot of people out and about on campus at that time. Then I leave to eat and stay at the library for a few hours (theoretically doing homework). When I get back to campus I am going to park near my last class of the day, then walk to the second class...that's the tough one. The simple route (that won't get me lost) is both long and goes through "the mall" which is super busy and full of students. After that class is over I backtrack, but there are fewer students (though still a shit ton) out at that point. Leaving my last class I can walk out the back and get to my car with minimal social interaction. This is two days a week. The other two days are simple in and outs. So it's doable. Still stressful, but doable.
I ended up walking in front of sorority girls twice and shamelessly eavesdropped. It was kind of boring, but still kind of funny. Though mad props to the girl who has a boyfriend who's thinking marriage. Why? Because she doesn't want to support him. Way to break stereotypes chica! Seriously, she's a young thing who definitely has a grasp of what she wants from life. I have no idea what she looks like, I thought it might be creepy to turn around and look.
I am too tired to be funny right now. Insert your own joke here.
Showing posts with label my body hates me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my body hates me. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Engaging in Escapism
Oh Lordy, am I ever! It's a little weird for me tho. This level of escapism (as in, resembling addiction and negatively impacting some very important life stuff) is a lot more typical of crazysauce than fibro. My crazysauce is currently in a really good place, so feeling this disconnect and the escape compulsion is...different.
My fibro is flaring. Like...ALL the time. It's the hazard of living where I am. I am on the edge of exhaustion constantly. I have to be careful driving home, because I'm half-afraid I'll fall asleep at the wheel. And I'm taking a foreign language class. Online. This is the class that is suffering the most from my current state, the others require less of me or something IDK. But Korean? GOOD GOD it is suffering. My teacher is extremely nice, but being nice can't help me in forcing my brain to kick into gear. I just stare at my homework and go duuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I took this class because I really WANTED to (and I wanted to before I started getting back into kdramas and such), so the fact that I currently feel so apathetic about it is frustrating.
But I was talking about escapism. Which is related.
So this year I took up the Goodreads reading challenge. I said I'd read 500 books, which is TOTALLY doable with the way I read. I figured I'd fall behind during the quarter and catch up on break. That's not what happened. It's during the quarter and I'm six books ahead on my reading goal. Because all my brain (and body) wants to do is curl up in bed and read, only shifting for the pain. So I'm catching all my math up at the last minute, BSing my way through a 200 level communications class, and totally fucking up my Korean class.
Considering I'm trying to get into a decent university and one of the majors I'm going for is Linguistics...This is discouraging. I know it's not that I'm not interested in the language, I still like it. I know it's not because I'm lazy because I'm working my ass off. I'm doing classes and conversation again, only now conversation includes four partners (one is more theoretical, but that's a whole 'nother rant) and two conversation groups. A week. I'm maintaining okay, but I'm fast getting to the point where I can't pretend anymore in Korean. I just can't think.
And right now? I hurt. I hurt and I want to crawl into bed and into a brain candy book that will give my brain cavities. I have to memorize two dialogues and learn all the Sino-Korean numbers, something I couldn't manage last quarter at all. I have to do this by Tuesday. *opens romance novel*
My fibro is flaring. Like...ALL the time. It's the hazard of living where I am. I am on the edge of exhaustion constantly. I have to be careful driving home, because I'm half-afraid I'll fall asleep at the wheel. And I'm taking a foreign language class. Online. This is the class that is suffering the most from my current state, the others require less of me or something IDK. But Korean? GOOD GOD it is suffering. My teacher is extremely nice, but being nice can't help me in forcing my brain to kick into gear. I just stare at my homework and go duuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I took this class because I really WANTED to (and I wanted to before I started getting back into kdramas and such), so the fact that I currently feel so apathetic about it is frustrating.
But I was talking about escapism. Which is related.
So this year I took up the Goodreads reading challenge. I said I'd read 500 books, which is TOTALLY doable with the way I read. I figured I'd fall behind during the quarter and catch up on break. That's not what happened. It's during the quarter and I'm six books ahead on my reading goal. Because all my brain (and body) wants to do is curl up in bed and read, only shifting for the pain. So I'm catching all my math up at the last minute, BSing my way through a 200 level communications class, and totally fucking up my Korean class.
Considering I'm trying to get into a decent university and one of the majors I'm going for is Linguistics...This is discouraging. I know it's not that I'm not interested in the language, I still like it. I know it's not because I'm lazy because I'm working my ass off. I'm doing classes and conversation again, only now conversation includes four partners (one is more theoretical, but that's a whole 'nother rant) and two conversation groups. A week. I'm maintaining okay, but I'm fast getting to the point where I can't pretend anymore in Korean. I just can't think.
And right now? I hurt. I hurt and I want to crawl into bed and into a brain candy book that will give my brain cavities. I have to memorize two dialogues and learn all the Sino-Korean numbers, something I couldn't manage last quarter at all. I have to do this by Tuesday. *opens romance novel*
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Oh winter
I have to wake up early to turn on the hot water heater. i'm up by five every morning. It's 10. 30 and I'm not really any place NEAR sleepy. I'm lying in bed propped up by pillows as my back says "throb throb throb". It subsides just long enough for me to think, hey, that's not so...oh, wait there it goes again.
This quarter is better, because, even though I'm still having mopey days, I pretty much only have to deal with the fibro. I'm not up and rabidly cheerful, but I'm far from depressed. I'm able to go out the door with waaaay less fear than last quarter. I'm really tired tho, because the fibro is not subsiding. And my mouth hurts because of the dental surgery I need and can't afford. And my lower body hurts because I have to keep walking on it even tho it hurts. And my back hurts because it's an asshole.
I started to vlog about the fibro stuff, but it was just too goddamn depressing. Who wants to get online just to say "Guess what? Life still sucks!"
Well, it doesn't suck that bad. Could be a lot worse. There's a lot going right. But my physical well-being is not one of the things going right. It's one of the things going crap.
I think I can still keep my grades up. I just need to make sure I don't over extend myself.
Oh.
Almost forgot.
Since my mental state is better I'm trying to cut out (or at least down on) the energy drinks. If I'm going to save up to go to Arizona I need to shave off extra expenditure wherever I can. And since it's looking like I won't need to self-medicate with excessive amounts of caffeine... Looks like it's me and oolong to get me through the day. *sigh* I really wish coffee didn't bother my digestive tract the way it does.
Trying to be better about taking food with me. As in better food. That might actually have some nutritional value. I'm trying to keep small servings that fit into my bag easily, because this quarter going to my car between classes just is not that easy. Maybe I'll learn to make bento boxes.
Vaguely worried about wearing out my welcome with friends, but I think that's more that I'm just uncomfortable in general about asking people for help. Hopefully this doesn't back fire.
I'm going to try and get to sleep now. My anxiety and depression is a lot better, but getting the crap out of my brain and onto digital paper always does me a world of good. Crossing my fingers for sweet, restful dreams.
This quarter is better, because, even though I'm still having mopey days, I pretty much only have to deal with the fibro. I'm not up and rabidly cheerful, but I'm far from depressed. I'm able to go out the door with waaaay less fear than last quarter. I'm really tired tho, because the fibro is not subsiding. And my mouth hurts because of the dental surgery I need and can't afford. And my lower body hurts because I have to keep walking on it even tho it hurts. And my back hurts because it's an asshole.
I started to vlog about the fibro stuff, but it was just too goddamn depressing. Who wants to get online just to say "Guess what? Life still sucks!"
Well, it doesn't suck that bad. Could be a lot worse. There's a lot going right. But my physical well-being is not one of the things going right. It's one of the things going crap.
I think I can still keep my grades up. I just need to make sure I don't over extend myself.
Oh.
Almost forgot.
Since my mental state is better I'm trying to cut out (or at least down on) the energy drinks. If I'm going to save up to go to Arizona I need to shave off extra expenditure wherever I can. And since it's looking like I won't need to self-medicate with excessive amounts of caffeine... Looks like it's me and oolong to get me through the day. *sigh* I really wish coffee didn't bother my digestive tract the way it does.
Trying to be better about taking food with me. As in better food. That might actually have some nutritional value. I'm trying to keep small servings that fit into my bag easily, because this quarter going to my car between classes just is not that easy. Maybe I'll learn to make bento boxes.
Vaguely worried about wearing out my welcome with friends, but I think that's more that I'm just uncomfortable in general about asking people for help. Hopefully this doesn't back fire.
I'm going to try and get to sleep now. My anxiety and depression is a lot better, but getting the crap out of my brain and onto digital paper always does me a world of good. Crossing my fingers for sweet, restful dreams.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Comfort Eating
This is why I have a blog. Because I can't afford cognitive therapy. ;)
So yeah, I've not mentioned a lot about my food/self-image/obesity issues, but they exist. Fibromyalgia is not the only reason for my obesity. I have a really fucked up relationship with food. I feel guilty every time I eat. So I try to hide my eating, which makes me feel guiltier, which leads into a really shitty cycle.
Eating in public? Oh boy. Yeah. I can feel those judging eyes on me EVERY TIME. I wish it was all in my head, but I've heard and overheard enough to know it's not, in fact, only in the noggin. People see a fat chick eating a salad "HA, who is she kidding?" Eating a burger "Geez, eat a salad!" There's no winning. No matter where you are, people think it's okay to give you advice. Being fat means you NEED their sage wisdom, even if they don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
Portion control. I fucking hate that phrase. "Oh, sweetie, you can lose that weight in NO time if you just exercise portion control!" Oh, really? So portion control is going to fix my chronic pain disorder? Portion control is going to fix the childhood experiences that taught me that eating is bad? Portion control is going to fix my crippling mental illnesses? Really? Tell me more, guru, tell me more!
I'm a fast and binge girl. I've mostly (sort of, somewhat) got the fasting part under control, but the bingeing I'm still working on. A lot of people seem to think that when I say "fast and binge" I mean that I fast until hunger overwhelms me and then binge. This is not, in fact, the case. I'm saying "in fact" a lot...whatthefuckever. No, I fast when I feel guilty. If I fast long enough it releases DELIGHTFUL endorphins in the brain (at least in my case), this is why it's a hard thing to stop doing. It really screwed up my body too. It's only recently that I've been able to recognize signals that my body is hungry. This is progress. And leads into the whole reason I'm on my blog right now.
Shut up stomach, there is no way that the growling you are letting lose has ANYTHING to do with actual hunger. I keep feeding you!
Ahem. Yes. So. The connection that would let my brain and body know "Hey! You haven't given me enough fuel to get through this day, could we get some now?" has been an issue for me. I could go a full day and simply forget to eat. At one point I could go a couple days before the fasting euphoria kicked in (while it was intentional during a brief period of my youth, it became something that just...happened) and reminded me that I hadn't eaten. I would also go through periods where the very thought of eating made me nauseous.
HOWEVER...
Comfort eating. It's a problem. When I'm going through emotional periods that I can't seem to handle, my brain and body decide that I need to eat. Like... A LOT. It's kind of a compulsion and it is INCREDIBLY hard not to eat. For a few reasons. Reason the first: It actually DOES help my emotional state (though when the food guilt kicks in it doesn't help my mental health any). Reason the second: My body and brain work in concert. Where normally I might not recognize hunger, in these cases my stomach will start growling like I haven't fed it in daaaaaaays. I forget what i was going to say for Reason the third because I'm fucking TIRED.
Sometimes comfort eating is easy. When it's easy my brain will clue me in to what it wants "FEED ME CHEESY MAC AND CHEESE OF THE CHEESIEST VARIETY" it might say. So I go and get a big old bowl of mac and cheese and the craving is (usually) satisfied. If I'm REALLY lucky it happens early in the day and i can make a little extra effort to burn the calories off, and getting said calories is more convenient.
Then there's moments right now. Where my stomach won't stop growling and my brain says "FEED ME ALL THE THINGS" and that it will figure out what it was that it wanted later. It's almost midnight. I'm lying in bed in my nightshirt. It's cold out. I can't go make something in the kitchen because everyone's going to bed. And there isn't anything that can be quickly and quietly made. We've got ingredients, that's it. I don't really have any money to spare, and even if I did (and I would find a way to spare it) I wouldn't know what to get. I've eaten myself sick in situations like this. Because my body and brain just kept demanding more food and I became distraught. Admittedly, it's only happened a couple of times, but it HAS happened. If I knew what would satisfy this comfort food craving I would get it. Pie? There's a Shari's ten minutes away. Heck, the Shari's could satisfy a bunch of possible cravings. But it's almost midnight. I'm tired. I'm too tired to drive aimlessly around in an area that shuts down early in the vain hope that I'll figure out what my brain wants. I'm too tired to go buy a meal at Shari's that I can't really afford to comfort a vague craving for SOMETHING.
This is why I periodically stock up on convenience food. Because my brain tends towards certain cravings. Cheese. Cheese makes my brain very happy. So if I keep mac and cheese stashed I'm GENERALLY good. But sometimes I'm not, and if I make mac and cheese I'll only be able to stare at it in disgust. So then I make sure I have some Spaghetti-Os. I don't usually eat them because they give me indigestion (as a general rule), but when i'm craving them I have to have them. I'll get the snack sized chocolate bars. Pressed fruit bars. Pudding. I'll have these little stashes I feel vaguely guilty about, but that keep me from gorging myself when the situation arises. Except for when i'm pretty much out and the situation arises at late-as-fuck-thirty.
Fuck.
I'm hungry. Or at least my brain and body seem to think I am in the face of evidence :/.
So yeah, I've not mentioned a lot about my food/self-image/obesity issues, but they exist. Fibromyalgia is not the only reason for my obesity. I have a really fucked up relationship with food. I feel guilty every time I eat. So I try to hide my eating, which makes me feel guiltier, which leads into a really shitty cycle.
Eating in public? Oh boy. Yeah. I can feel those judging eyes on me EVERY TIME. I wish it was all in my head, but I've heard and overheard enough to know it's not, in fact, only in the noggin. People see a fat chick eating a salad "HA, who is she kidding?" Eating a burger "Geez, eat a salad!" There's no winning. No matter where you are, people think it's okay to give you advice. Being fat means you NEED their sage wisdom, even if they don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
Portion control. I fucking hate that phrase. "Oh, sweetie, you can lose that weight in NO time if you just exercise portion control!" Oh, really? So portion control is going to fix my chronic pain disorder? Portion control is going to fix the childhood experiences that taught me that eating is bad? Portion control is going to fix my crippling mental illnesses? Really? Tell me more, guru, tell me more!
I'm a fast and binge girl. I've mostly (sort of, somewhat) got the fasting part under control, but the bingeing I'm still working on. A lot of people seem to think that when I say "fast and binge" I mean that I fast until hunger overwhelms me and then binge. This is not, in fact, the case. I'm saying "in fact" a lot...whatthefuckever. No, I fast when I feel guilty. If I fast long enough it releases DELIGHTFUL endorphins in the brain (at least in my case), this is why it's a hard thing to stop doing. It really screwed up my body too. It's only recently that I've been able to recognize signals that my body is hungry. This is progress. And leads into the whole reason I'm on my blog right now.
Shut up stomach, there is no way that the growling you are letting lose has ANYTHING to do with actual hunger. I keep feeding you!
Ahem. Yes. So. The connection that would let my brain and body know "Hey! You haven't given me enough fuel to get through this day, could we get some now?" has been an issue for me. I could go a full day and simply forget to eat. At one point I could go a couple days before the fasting euphoria kicked in (while it was intentional during a brief period of my youth, it became something that just...happened) and reminded me that I hadn't eaten. I would also go through periods where the very thought of eating made me nauseous.
HOWEVER...
Comfort eating. It's a problem. When I'm going through emotional periods that I can't seem to handle, my brain and body decide that I need to eat. Like... A LOT. It's kind of a compulsion and it is INCREDIBLY hard not to eat. For a few reasons. Reason the first: It actually DOES help my emotional state (though when the food guilt kicks in it doesn't help my mental health any). Reason the second: My body and brain work in concert. Where normally I might not recognize hunger, in these cases my stomach will start growling like I haven't fed it in daaaaaaays. I forget what i was going to say for Reason the third because I'm fucking TIRED.
Sometimes comfort eating is easy. When it's easy my brain will clue me in to what it wants "FEED ME CHEESY MAC AND CHEESE OF THE CHEESIEST VARIETY" it might say. So I go and get a big old bowl of mac and cheese and the craving is (usually) satisfied. If I'm REALLY lucky it happens early in the day and i can make a little extra effort to burn the calories off, and getting said calories is more convenient.
Then there's moments right now. Where my stomach won't stop growling and my brain says "FEED ME ALL THE THINGS" and that it will figure out what it was that it wanted later. It's almost midnight. I'm lying in bed in my nightshirt. It's cold out. I can't go make something in the kitchen because everyone's going to bed. And there isn't anything that can be quickly and quietly made. We've got ingredients, that's it. I don't really have any money to spare, and even if I did (and I would find a way to spare it) I wouldn't know what to get. I've eaten myself sick in situations like this. Because my body and brain just kept demanding more food and I became distraught. Admittedly, it's only happened a couple of times, but it HAS happened. If I knew what would satisfy this comfort food craving I would get it. Pie? There's a Shari's ten minutes away. Heck, the Shari's could satisfy a bunch of possible cravings. But it's almost midnight. I'm tired. I'm too tired to drive aimlessly around in an area that shuts down early in the vain hope that I'll figure out what my brain wants. I'm too tired to go buy a meal at Shari's that I can't really afford to comfort a vague craving for SOMETHING.
This is why I periodically stock up on convenience food. Because my brain tends towards certain cravings. Cheese. Cheese makes my brain very happy. So if I keep mac and cheese stashed I'm GENERALLY good. But sometimes I'm not, and if I make mac and cheese I'll only be able to stare at it in disgust. So then I make sure I have some Spaghetti-Os. I don't usually eat them because they give me indigestion (as a general rule), but when i'm craving them I have to have them. I'll get the snack sized chocolate bars. Pressed fruit bars. Pudding. I'll have these little stashes I feel vaguely guilty about, but that keep me from gorging myself when the situation arises. Except for when i'm pretty much out and the situation arises at late-as-fuck-thirty.
Fuck.
I'm hungry. Or at least my brain and body seem to think I am in the face of evidence :/.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Overload Ahead
Soo...this coming week is going to go into overload territory. My body is kinda crapping out on me and finals have brain all a-jumble. Very much looking forward to the break. But before the break is this week.
Sunday? My mom has a Cookie Lee party to which I will be ferrying a friend or two.
Monday? Last class meeting for my Communications 101 class and our teacher (who is completely AWESOME (just fyi)) wants us to do a potluck thing.
Tuesday? A new friend is having a small little end of the quarter shindig. She's invited around twenty people (maybe a little less) and I'm one of them. I want to make cookies for her because she's cooking us Indonesian food and sushi.
Wednesday? Well, Wednesday shouldn't be too bad...hopefully. (edit: PHEW managed to sidestep an invite! I would normally feel bad, but I'm probably hanging out with the exact same people the next day)
Thursday? Afternoon dance party with the international students, semi-potluck.
Friday? God willing NOTHING.
Saturday? Drive my friend to his hair appointment then go to a holiday party in the evening that is (wait for it...) Potluck!!
Sunday? Collapse.
>.<
So Saturday I will probably be baking all day. Going to whip out my mad cookie skillz and make this happen. Also hoping that my body holds out. Because it's starting to stumble this week. Fatigue, disorientation, dizziness, fun stuff :/. Fingers crossed!!
Sunday? My mom has a Cookie Lee party to which I will be ferrying a friend or two.
Monday? Last class meeting for my Communications 101 class and our teacher (who is completely AWESOME (just fyi)) wants us to do a potluck thing.
Tuesday? A new friend is having a small little end of the quarter shindig. She's invited around twenty people (maybe a little less) and I'm one of them. I want to make cookies for her because she's cooking us Indonesian food and sushi.
Wednesday? Well, Wednesday shouldn't be too bad...hopefully. (edit: PHEW managed to sidestep an invite! I would normally feel bad, but I'm probably hanging out with the exact same people the next day)
Thursday? Afternoon dance party with the international students, semi-potluck.
Friday? God willing NOTHING.
Saturday? Drive my friend to his hair appointment then go to a holiday party in the evening that is (wait for it...) Potluck!!
Sunday? Collapse.
>.<
So Saturday I will probably be baking all day. Going to whip out my mad cookie skillz and make this happen. Also hoping that my body holds out. Because it's starting to stumble this week. Fatigue, disorientation, dizziness, fun stuff :/. Fingers crossed!!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
sucktastic yo
Went dancing with my friends today (including a couple new ones). And by that I mean I went with my friends and did shit until my body crapped out less than 10 minutes in. At which point I tried doing stationary bike for a bit while they danced. That lasted maybe 5 minutes. I almost cried while I was watching them learn a new dance.
It's so frustrating to want to do things and not be able to. I'm hanging onto the idea of Arizona like a lifeline, but I know it's not a magic wand. I'm not going to move to Arizona and suddenly be able to do things. I'm going to move to Arizona and have to work REALLY HARD to get myself healthy again. I'm going to have to work out and gradually build myself back up to the strength I used to have (Oh so long ago!). And it's not a guarantee. I could move there and have little to no improvement. I'm still going to have my dental issues because I can't afford the surgery required (yay wisdom teeth rotting in my mouth! :D /sarcasm). I'm still going to be horribly knock-kneed. I'm still going to be massively obese. I'm still going to be crazy. I'm still...
When I think of all the things that I'm "still" gonna be it's downright frustrating. I'm moving there to have a CHANCE, but sometimes it feels like a vain hope. It's like, I can't help thinking in the back of my head "this is going to fall through, you're not going to make it there." or "you're going to get there and it won't help your health AT ALL." or worse of all "You're just a lazy fucking bitch, all this shit is in your head because you don't want to do the WORK required to be skinny and you're still going to be lazy when you move there."
The biggest fight for respect I have is with myself. Nobody thinks littler of me than I do. It's always this nagging voice in the back of my head. "You're unattractive, lazy, stupid, fat, and just plain WRONG." "You're not really poly, you just can't function in a normal, healthy relationship." "You're deluding yourself, you're not queer." Crazy shit. Shit that doesn't make sense. I know it's crazytown because there's no way in HELL I would have CHOSEN to be not-straight with my family. Seriously. I'd rather be straight-up asexual, in all honesty. If I had a CHOICE.
I just don't know what to do when i'm being hammered by crazytown AND fibro. I have heard nothing from SS. I think I missed the deadline for the stupid-ass statement they wanted me to make. How's this for a statement? "I can't do all this shit you're asking me because I'm batshit crazy and have fibro and miss your deadlines because I'm doing this BY MYSELF. Because I don't have the money for a lawyer and my family sure as hell won't help me, because they're half-convinced I'm overreacting. Or lazy. So will you just cut me some fucking slack and HELP ME?!!?"
I have to say "Fighting!" I have to believe in myself. But it's so fucking hard.
It's so frustrating to want to do things and not be able to. I'm hanging onto the idea of Arizona like a lifeline, but I know it's not a magic wand. I'm not going to move to Arizona and suddenly be able to do things. I'm going to move to Arizona and have to work REALLY HARD to get myself healthy again. I'm going to have to work out and gradually build myself back up to the strength I used to have (Oh so long ago!). And it's not a guarantee. I could move there and have little to no improvement. I'm still going to have my dental issues because I can't afford the surgery required (yay wisdom teeth rotting in my mouth! :D /sarcasm). I'm still going to be horribly knock-kneed. I'm still going to be massively obese. I'm still going to be crazy. I'm still...
When I think of all the things that I'm "still" gonna be it's downright frustrating. I'm moving there to have a CHANCE, but sometimes it feels like a vain hope. It's like, I can't help thinking in the back of my head "this is going to fall through, you're not going to make it there." or "you're going to get there and it won't help your health AT ALL." or worse of all "You're just a lazy fucking bitch, all this shit is in your head because you don't want to do the WORK required to be skinny and you're still going to be lazy when you move there."
The biggest fight for respect I have is with myself. Nobody thinks littler of me than I do. It's always this nagging voice in the back of my head. "You're unattractive, lazy, stupid, fat, and just plain WRONG." "You're not really poly, you just can't function in a normal, healthy relationship." "You're deluding yourself, you're not queer." Crazy shit. Shit that doesn't make sense. I know it's crazytown because there's no way in HELL I would have CHOSEN to be not-straight with my family. Seriously. I'd rather be straight-up asexual, in all honesty. If I had a CHOICE.
I just don't know what to do when i'm being hammered by crazytown AND fibro. I have heard nothing from SS. I think I missed the deadline for the stupid-ass statement they wanted me to make. How's this for a statement? "I can't do all this shit you're asking me because I'm batshit crazy and have fibro and miss your deadlines because I'm doing this BY MYSELF. Because I don't have the money for a lawyer and my family sure as hell won't help me, because they're half-convinced I'm overreacting. Or lazy. So will you just cut me some fucking slack and HELP ME?!!?"
I have to say "Fighting!" I have to believe in myself. But it's so fucking hard.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Oh Fibro
I've actually been vlogging elsewhere about my fibro, but honestly, I'm too tired right now to sit down and do a video. I will at some point in the next week, but right now...not so much. :/ My fibro is flaring. I've been in a lot of physical pain, I'm constantly exhausted, and I'm moving through a fog. My brain needs a new starter, it's just clickclickclickclick with no ignition. I've fallen behind in my schoolwork a bit. It's not an insurmountable bit, but it's still a bit. I stay at school late because I can keep myself awake there. The minute I get home my body is just like "Okay, bedtime!" with no respect for what I need to get done. Sometimes my body has been sending me to bed without dinner. No matter how much or little sleep I get this week, I'm always tired. I'm draggin' draggin' draggin'. I think longingly of the potential of Arizona. I know I'll still have problems, my health is in the pits and it's going to take time to improve it, but... I just anticipate not having to kill my liver with anti-inflammatories on a daily basis.
I'm going dancing with my friends at the Y. The aerobics room is free in the morning, so we can dance in front of a huge mirror as we make fools of ourselves trying to learn dance steps. I may only last ten minutes, but that time with friends is invaluable. I may last only 5 minutes, but I don't care, I'm still going.
I have a birthday party to go to tonight, and I'm probably going to have to caffeinate just to get there. I don't know if caffeine helps my pain levels (I mean, it usually seems to, but that could be my mood it's affecting, you know?), but I've never really known it to hurt (unless I have a headache, sometimes it can then).
I'm just trying to chant "Aja! Aja! Fighting!" and "You can do eet!" to get through this flare. I mean, when the flare is done I'll still be in pain, but it will be MANAGEABLE pain. Pain I'm used to, pain i can cope with. My brain is so muzzy right now that while it was shouting at me/itself "Something's following you and is going to KILL YOU!!", my (and my brain's) response was "Really? That's nice."
I'm going dancing with my friends at the Y. The aerobics room is free in the morning, so we can dance in front of a huge mirror as we make fools of ourselves trying to learn dance steps. I may only last ten minutes, but that time with friends is invaluable. I may last only 5 minutes, but I don't care, I'm still going.
I have a birthday party to go to tonight, and I'm probably going to have to caffeinate just to get there. I don't know if caffeine helps my pain levels (I mean, it usually seems to, but that could be my mood it's affecting, you know?), but I've never really known it to hurt (unless I have a headache, sometimes it can then).
I'm just trying to chant "Aja! Aja! Fighting!" and "You can do eet!" to get through this flare. I mean, when the flare is done I'll still be in pain, but it will be MANAGEABLE pain. Pain I'm used to, pain i can cope with. My brain is so muzzy right now that while it was shouting at me/itself "Something's following you and is going to KILL YOU!!", my (and my brain's) response was "Really? That's nice."
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Yearning
I hate August. I hate Hate HATE August. It hates me back. The humidity kills my fibro, as well as leaving me prostrate and fatigued. I find myself praying and begging for a weather turn. Someday I will be careful what I wish for. Because when that abrupt change happens (with it's corresponding change in barometric pressure) I'm incapacitated for at least a day afterwards. The only thing meaner to my body than the humidity is pressure changes. Which means I am REALLY living in the wrong part of the world. Which means I am REALLY yearning for Arizona, its consistent weather, low humidity, and drinking buddies.
As I prepare for the coming school year, Arizona, university and the move have me excited. They are frighteningly and exhilaratingly close. Three quarters. That's it. The next time I talk to the advising department I'll be starting the application and transfer process. I'm praying that there won't be any roadblocks, but even if there are I'll still be moving to Arizona. I'll just have to keep trying to get in once I'm down there. I hope my faculty advisor is right about me being an attractive candidate for the linguistics program. It's only THREE quarters away and I have so much to do to prepare!
But when my fibro flares my brain doesn't look at it that way. It's TEN MONTHS away. AT LEAST. I'm going to have to suffer through this shit for another TEN MONTHS. Why can't I teleport??
I'm really tired right now. People looking at me from the outside would roll their eyes and call me lazy (something I'm used to at this point). But the constant pain is exhausting. I'll settle into a status quo, where my pain levels will level out and I'll be in a constant state of ache and fatigue. Those are the good times, because I can cope. The great times are when I barely hurt. The bad times are when the pain spikes for whatever reason and I find myself crying, or dry heaving, or rocking back and forth, all because of pain. Then I have sharp,debilitating pain and complete exhaustion.
I can still find hope in that though. "WHY" you may ask (with a WTF look on your theoretical face). At those moments when I'm in tears I can truly believe that my worsening symptoms of mental illness are directly related to my physical problems. I can believe, at that point, that if I can move to Arizona and get the physical under control...maybe my mental issues won't be so bad.
As the kids say "Aja! Fighting!"
As I prepare for the coming school year, Arizona, university and the move have me excited. They are frighteningly and exhilaratingly close. Three quarters. That's it. The next time I talk to the advising department I'll be starting the application and transfer process. I'm praying that there won't be any roadblocks, but even if there are I'll still be moving to Arizona. I'll just have to keep trying to get in once I'm down there. I hope my faculty advisor is right about me being an attractive candidate for the linguistics program. It's only THREE quarters away and I have so much to do to prepare!
But when my fibro flares my brain doesn't look at it that way. It's TEN MONTHS away. AT LEAST. I'm going to have to suffer through this shit for another TEN MONTHS. Why can't I teleport??
I'm really tired right now. People looking at me from the outside would roll their eyes and call me lazy (something I'm used to at this point). But the constant pain is exhausting. I'll settle into a status quo, where my pain levels will level out and I'll be in a constant state of ache and fatigue. Those are the good times, because I can cope. The great times are when I barely hurt. The bad times are when the pain spikes for whatever reason and I find myself crying, or dry heaving, or rocking back and forth, all because of pain. Then I have sharp,debilitating pain and complete exhaustion.
I can still find hope in that though. "WHY" you may ask (with a WTF look on your theoretical face). At those moments when I'm in tears I can truly believe that my worsening symptoms of mental illness are directly related to my physical problems. I can believe, at that point, that if I can move to Arizona and get the physical under control...maybe my mental issues won't be so bad.
As the kids say "Aja! Fighting!"
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