Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Friday, March 30, 2012


So far the new quarter is going well, but I can already tell it's going to be a lot of work. I've also become a volunteer conversation partner for international students on the advice of my faculty advisor. I'd actually considered doing it before, because it seemed like it would be fun, but just never did. So that starts Monday and I have bunches of work from all of my classes too. I'm actually pretty happy though :).
I also have a new laptop! My little one is starting to show some problems, so since I had some money now (and found a really good deal) we decided I might as well buy a new one before the lil one died.
Also, a while ago I took a bunch of spring pictures and never uploaded them, so...picture bomb!

....except apparently not as I am now experiencing technical difficulties *sigh*. Well, I'm going to restart the new computer and try to edit those pictures into this post. If it doesn't work I will be using the 3 year warranty I purchased with the computer!
Okay, apparently I can only post one of these per edit/posting?

Monday, March 26, 2012

Day 1 of the New Quarter

So first day of the new quarter and I only had one class today, Fundamentals of Music. The teacher seems really good, but holy crap is she intense! Kind of intimidating in a good way, and I think (hope) I'm going to get a lot out of this class. I like teachers who are very clear in what they want you to do and have high expectations (as opposed to unrealistic). I'm gonna learn how to read music! Yay!!
My little laptop is starting to have hiccups and one of the USB ports has gone out, so I knew it was time for a new computer. I was going to go with a desktop because I couldn't find a laptop cheaper, but my mom convinced me that getting a (larger) laptop was the better choice. So I went a-hunting on the interwebs and found one...for cheaper than the desktop I was originally going to get!! yay!! It'll get here in a week or two.
My mom and I also sat down and tried to figure the next year out financially. I can *almost* make it with what I'm getting in finaid and such, but not quite. So hopefully either I get disability or miraculously find some sort of work that I can actually do. *sigh* I don't even need to make that much. Couple hundred a month and I would be SET. Welp, here's hoping.
Ooooh, I meant to post some spring pictures, but I'm tired and don't want to disconnect things just to upload the pictures. Next time! I won't promise though ;).
Almost able to be "Fighting!" once this sinus crap passes. Too loopy to be that energetic right now...

Friday, March 23, 2012


So I was trying to further my ongoing math studies (so i can test out higher in the placement test) and hit a brick wall. I know it was me and not the math, because it should have been easy. It was basic unit conversion. I do this in my *head* for goodnesses sake. In my defense they used larger numbers than I normally work with, but it was still. GAH. Total fail on my part. I kept messing up basic multiplication and addition. I mean...that's just SAD. two plus one is three, not two *sigh*.
On other fronts things are going better (hopefully). New quarter starts Monday and I'm completely stoked. On Tuesday I have a meeting with my faculty advisor after classes. I called the University of Arizona to get some information on transferring down there, got some of the information right off the bat had to email for more so that'll take a couple of days. The biggest thing is that I'm going to be transferring from a quarter system to a semester system, which makes things a little less than straightforward.
I just need math to sink into my brain so I can get this done. I don't have to have my AA done in order to transfer to UoA, but it's something I need to do personally, and if I don't get math through my thick skull and test out high enough I'm not going to be able to make that goal.
I wish I could say "Fighting!" but in all honesty my head hurts too much for me to feel that optimistic.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I may be indecisive, but...

I really am incredibly indecisive. I will go back and forth on a decision, weighing every pro and con imaginable before I even come close to making a decision. That's just the way I operate. BUT. But...When I do decide on a plan of action, I make it happen. I plan for it and do my utmost to make sure that decision will be successful. Hence the reason that after finally making the decision to move to Arizona I have started planning. I won't be moving for a year, but there is a lot to take care of and I am not going to leave it to the last minute. I have a faculty advisor and I am going to start the process of getting myself into the University of Arizona's linguistics program. I'm not applying or anything, but I am specifically working towards that program and that will affect what classes I take. I have already decided that I will be driving, and am hoping to buy my brother's car. I have a ballpark idea of how much money I'll need for gas (and anticipating that prices are only going to go up within the next year). When I get a chance I'm going to buy a set of driving maps (you can get dry erase ones for planning purposes ;) ). As long as I'm careful not to accumulate too much stuff in the interim, I will be able to pack everything into the car I'm hoping to buy. And if I don't buy that car it will be a similar car, so I know my stuff will fit. :)
But what about furniture? I've already scoped out the local craigslist to see how active it is, and since it is an area with a lot of military families I anticipate having no problems on at least finding a futon mattress and desk (the two essentials for a broke student!). I will have a place to stay when I get there, which will allow me to establish myself. I will also have a support system in the form of TomandWendy. If I'm very careful (which I plan to be) I will also have at least a little bit of a safety net, financially. Not a huge one, but enough to get me through until I get FinAid sorted out there. The other thing I have to figure out is my meds and finding a sliding scale mental health provider down there.
I've had a lot of people gripe about my indecisiveness, but anybody who really knows me knows that when I decide to do something, it gets done. I'm not looking forward to driving through SoCal and the southwest in the summertime, but I am looking forward to seizing my future :).
Fighting! :D :D :D

Monday, March 19, 2012


I think I may have come to a decision of sorts regarding TomandWendy and Arizona. I'm going to try for it I think. I've been thinking about it for months now, and going back and forth on what to do, I'm very wishy washy and indecisive. But...I think I'm going to start planning now for moving down there. I'm not just missing them, though that's a big part of it. And I'm not just wanting to go to the University of Arizona, though that is far from being a negative! I'm also not just going because the climate there is much kinder to fibromyalgia, though with nights like these when I have aches and twitches all over my body I want to just teleport there. It is partially a combination of these things, but there's more to it even then these things.
One of the things that was dissuading me was the thought that it might just be a desire for change merely for the sake of change. This is pretty much the opposite of how I usually I am. I crave new experience, yet have a fear of change. Part of it is my mental illness, and part of it is past bad experience. So it kept volleying back and forth in my brain, and the cost of schooling factored in causing bounces and ricochets. My mind can turn into a whirlpool of deadly whatifs at times. It can suck me under too.
So I've kept thinking and weighing pros and cons and thinking and thinking and thinking get the idea. I kept going back and forth on what the "right" thing to do was. Then it just kind of clicked in my head.
I can't stop thinking about moving to Arizona because it's something that I really want. I can't let fear stop me, particularly when I have such wonderful friends who want to help me succeed. I may end up putting myself waaaay in debt by going to an out of state college, but I can't help thinking that I'm going to get far more out of my education if I'm happy than if I'm constantly struggling with morosity. I don't care if that's not a word, it should be. I've heard you can be considered for in state tuition if you can prove that you're not just moving for educational reasons. Even if I can't...I think I just need to go for it.
I'm not moving next week or anything. I'd really like to get my transfer degree done and my GPA up before I move. It would be less of a hassle....I'm trying not to let myself think "Hmm...but I haven't been able to fill out my FAFSA for the college I'm at yet...I could just transfer to the community college in Sierra Vista!" because that probably would not be the best idea. Though my brother probably *would* sell me his car since he's looking into buying  a new one anyways...and it *wouldn't* inconvenience me all that much...and I'd have the tax return money for moving...
No, *slaps self* think straight! I have to get all my name change and divorce stuff fixed...but that probably would be done before summer...Gah. See, that's the problem with making up my mind. Once I've made up my mind I just want to go DO whatever it is I've decided to do RIGHT NOW. Even when it's not feasible...unless it is...Gah. I am such a pain in my own ass sometimes.

Saturday, March 17, 2012


Called my Wendy (of my TomandWendy) today and just got myself missing them more. Then Tom's asking when I'm moving down and /sigh. I miss them lots and lots, and Arizona is appealing from the fibro standpoint (among other things), but there are so many other issues at hand. The cost of education is a huge one. The difference between in-state and out-of-state tuition is ginormous. But...gah. No matter what program I look at the University of Arizona is more appealing, but that may just be because I really want to be down there. Tom and Wendy continually refer to "when" I'm moving down there rather than "if".
I'm just not sure of what the right thing to do is. I mean...I'm really ambivalent about attempting to get on disability, but I also need to support myself, and my mental state probably isn't going to go *poof!* all better just because I've moved. On top of that, Arizona is not the best place to find employment from what I understand. Living with my family is...stressful but good. I don't regret coming out to my mom, but, well, she periodically keeps trying to bring me back to God or something. The fact is I've never fallen away *sigh* *sigh* *sigh*. I can't talk to my family about a lot of the important stuff, because our viewpoints are so different. I mean....when someone tells you they think they need to look into therapy because of serious, life affecting issues "you just need to read the bible more" is not the proper response. Just because I don't own a print Bible currently doesn't mean I lack the word. That's what the friggin' internet is for! And the Bible is not a substitute for counseling. Heck, the Bible even talks about getting counseling from elders! Bah.
The thing about TomandWendy is that they get that. Wendy in particular understands where I'm coming from, and Tom is just one of the greatest guys on earth. They understand what it really means to have a mental illness, while my family (who are the fricken *source* of the problem) just try to pretend it doesn't exist. I'm sorry, but when I ask if my great grandmother was crazy like me, "No, she was just a shut in!" is...kind of ostrich-y.
But...I don't know. I love them and I trust them a whole lot more than most people on this planet, but...It's really hard for me to make that kind of leap. After the experience of my marriage, it's just really hard to trust my well-being to others. Even though living with my family is incredibly difficult. I also am afraid of being a burden. But mostly it's that I'm so used to not being able to rely on people to keep their words and having to watch out for myself constantly. I've been so close to being homeless, and I've had my power turned off, because of misplaced trust. I've been in situations where I was without hot water for months. I've been in situations where I didn't have enough money for food and had no way to go to a food bank. I just...don't know what to do.
If anybody's actually reading this, now would be a good time to chime in. I know what my mom thinks, my step-dad has no opinion, and most people I know wouldn't know what the right response should be. I don't know what the right response should be. I guess I've got a year to figure it out, as long as I can test out at Math 94 I should have my transfer degree done by next spring/summer. I hate Math and it hates me back.
Fighting! (I keep saying that to myself in an effort to bolster my confidence and drive :))


While I think most weight loss self help books are kind of full of themselves and crap, I was just reading an excerpt from one (thank you library catalogue!) that kind of resonated with me. "In an abusive, emotional situation, one person may put on weight as a shield, while another person will shed weight in preparation for running away. It's all very primal. It's all a result of basic instincts." Now, I will not pretend that I have ever been petite, even when I was skinny I was not petite! But...through the course of my marriage I gained about 90 pounds. Don't get me wrong, I am not putting all my weight gain on my ex and our seriously bad-for-both-of-us relationship. I have mental health issues as well as some physical issues that have exacerbated the situation. Of course...the physical stuff didn't really start majorly impacting my life until after I'd gained a bunch of weight...
That said, this makes a lot of sense to me. I was able to maintain a size 18-20 body for many years, then I got married and...stuff happened. Stuff that really should have clued me in that the relationship I was in was a BAD idea. A little tip, if you recognize someone is in a relationship like that, bad mouthing their significant other is just going to make them defensive and less likely to listen to you. I ignored a lot of good advice because I just brushed it off under the heading "Oh, they just don't like him." The badmouthing also made me less likely to confide in people, because I didn't want to give them more ammunition. It isolated me and that isolation made the relationship even more toxic than it was to start with.
It takes two to tango, so I'm definitely not putting this all on my ex, but I maintain that if he had been willing to work at things and get help the way I wanted...we still would have ended, but it would have been much more amicable and less cruel than what happened. Why do I think we still would have ended? Because we each sincerely wanted what the other person *said* they wanted, making our life goals and wants diametrically opposed. He said he wanted to travel and be free, but in reality he wanted kids and a settled life. Whereas I always said/thought I wanted a family, career and settled life, when I'm discovering that the goals that make me happiest are the ones that lead to travel and intellectual growth. What I want for my life does not fit with what he wants. I think this whole thing may fall under the heading of "Irony" only in all caps, so "IRONY" underline underline bold ;).
This whole thing makes me really desire medical coverage that will allow me to go to cognitive therapy. Now that I have the time I don't have the insurance or the money to pursue that kind of therapy *sigh*. Murphy's Law, yes? I understand that I need to rewire my brain (figuratively, I promise I'm not an android! hehe), but I don't have the tools on my own to do so. I could try checking books out from the library, but, well...Without the feedback I'd get from a trained professional I don't know how effective it would be.
As they say though, Fighting!

Thursday, March 15, 2012


I should be asleeeeeeeeeeeep....but I'm not. Because I have to get up in the morning, drive somewhere and be all coherent and shit. This is why I can't sleep. Bah. At least I finally remembered to call in my refill to the pharmacy /sheepish. Listening to all sorts of spoken word and Def Poetry Jam clips. Yay! I used to write stuff like that, then I lost the soul of my creativity. It's coming back to me slowly, which makes me happy :). I used to write daily, my dad wanted me to be a writer. I could pour everything onto paper and feel better. Sometimes I burned it and that helped to. Words, like music, are in my blood. Do I think this makes me some great person, writer, singer what have you? Not really. I don't do it for others, I do it for me. Because it makes ME feel good. That's why I'm actually utilizing this blog. For me. Because I want to be brave enough to bare myself to the world and say "See? This is me. If that's too much for you, move along, move along." That's why I posted the video of me singing, because I want to be brave enough to sing in front of people, not always falling silent when there aren't other voices to drown me out. Because my voice may not be perfect, but it's as warm and loving as I am. I don't claim perfection, status or some sort of superiority, I just want...Lordy, half the time I don't even know what I want. I want to be a word warrior and speak my spirit into those around me, learn courage, give courage, just...For how much words are a part of me and who I am and who I want to be, they just don't work to convey this feeling. In person, in person I'd hold my arms out in a gesture that would communicate it. Or I'd just run and glomp you, giving you the hug of DOOM ;). I'm good at that. Affection is kind of my "thing".
I've got the rumblies in my tummy. I'm not really down with cannibalism though.
I want to write a hardcore spinster song with my bfam. We tell each other stories of what our EPIC spinsterhood together will be. Heh. Heathcliff and Lyda and Midnight Margaritas...I don't want to exclude, I just don't know how to share these odd conversations without it devolving into a "You had to be there and you had to be us" type of explanation.
I'm tired, but I can't get to sleep, and I don't honestly have the attention span to watch anything right now. I'm topping out at 3 minutes of focus on any given video. Which means reading is right out. Well, maybe it wouldn't be if I could find the next book in the series that I placed a hold on and my brother picked up for me *yesterday* and I still can't figure out where I put it. One room! I'm living in a single room and I *still* manage to misplace things!
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? A wood chuck would chuck as much wood as a wood chuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood.
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck was Chuck Norris? All of it. The Chuck Norris meme has made it into detergent commercials. *sigh* So sad when a meme that makes me smile becomes *that* mainstream. The WoW commerical was kind of fun, but Mr. T was better.
Sleep, why hast thou forsaken me?
My tummy is groooooowling. I'm huuuuuuungry.
Perhaps I shall try to watch something. Maybe even in English!....nah. Or maybe I'll watch Unstoppable High Kick. I mean, it's longer than 3 minutes, but it's still shorter than most of the stuff I watch...Or maybe I'll rewatch something, like...I dunno...something. *sigh* there's a lot of mental sighing going on. A little real life sighing too, but not nearly as much.
If I were a rich man da di da di da...I'd totally arrange a marriage with me. Except not. Because I'm CRAAAAZY. And if I were a rich man I could afford to be picky, because if there's one thing that commercials have taught me it's that all women are really whores. That's sarcasm. Heavy sarcasm. And very much a product of too much of my thought going into the content of commercials.
I've killed at least an hour ("Noooooo! What did it ever do to you?!"), so maybe I should try to sleep...or just give up and run around madly outside because the king of the potato people said Mr. Flibble Said So. I'd need a gingham dress, but it would work because I'm not patient enough to braid my hair into pigtails.
Good grief. This is ridonkulous. I like that word. My other favourite new word is "adorkable".

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


I am having a huge bout of envy right now. A friend is at a concert that I really wish I could go to. It's not just the money issue, I also know I would be hyperventilating, shaking and/or vomiting if I attempted to go to any concert, the fact that it's punk rock just means it would be more boisterous. I want so many things for myself, and that seems like such a small thing to want, but in all honesty to achieve it...well, that would be one of my biggest hurdles. It's such a small thing, to be able to go to the concert of a band I like, it's miniscule compared to some of my other wishes. requires so much more of me than attaining an education that will allow me to be employed. With the proper education I could still get a job, even if I don't get any better than I am. Because with the right qualifications I could find a job with minimal contact. This is not something that I want to happen, but it does mean that if I did get on disability (something I am still ambivalent on it) and didn't manage to fix myself, it wouldn't mean that I have to stay on disability for the rest of my life. But a concert? A concert would require me to be able to go to a place where I am completely surrounded by PEOPLE and for me to stay that way for hours... Such a small thing, but...I've been getting palpitations just going to the Y with my mother. If something small like that causes such an effect...*sigh* So yeah. Envy up the wazoo tonight.

Friday, March 9, 2012


Today is a better day. Also rich in fantasy world ;). Though lately it's been really outlandish things because my mind has been captivated by anime and anime-esque Jdramas ;). I'm not entirely sure why my mind created a story about a puppy getting stuck in a tree...but it was really entertaining! Sometimes my mind is better than TV *happy sigh*.
My bfam has been having similar crazysauce troubles. It's really hard to get going and do what you want to do when you feel like it's hopeless. When it feels you will never be able to achieve *anything* you desire because you are too broken. When life, brain chemistry or the assholes of this world make you feel like you don't deserve the happiness you're entitled to. When everything seems impossible...It's good to have friends who know what that feels like then. To cheer each other on and say "Fuck that shit, I believe in you!" To come up with bizarre and random things to do (the twine tiara WILL happen though). To just...understand. To be understood when things are crazy, when you are crazy, when the fucking world won't just back the fuck off and give us a few moments of peace and normalcy. THAT is what sfams and bfams are for ;). That's when the diamonds in one's life show themselves.
I try to make sure the diamonds in my life know they are appreciated. Because even when I can't talk to them, I know what the diamonds in my life would say or do. I also know that all I need to do is call, text, message, email or contact them in any way and they'll be there. I love my diamonds. They're MINE ;).

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


I received my denial letter for disability today. I had a moment of utter relief, but my mom turns to me and says "But didn't <friend> say you always get denied the first time? Can't you appeal?" Bah. I know that the best thing for me right now would be to get on disability and work on getting myself in a better place mentally and physically. I know this. I understand that the way I am is not normal, and that currently I do not function well in "normal" society. I...I just don't want to be a failure living on the dole.
Loved ones can reassure me and build me up all they want, it doesn't change how I feel. If I can't work (and currently the thought of even doing a phone interview makes my skin crawl) then I need to be bringing in money *somehow*, but...I don't know. I keep thinking there *has* to be a solution that I just haven't thought of yet. But I keep not figuring out a solution to this. I need money so I can afford my medication that allows me to interact with people as much (ha) as I do currently.
So I'm stressing and stressing and stressing some more.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


There's a spot in my heart labelled 'Mine'. It's not the spot for loving myself, it's the spot for special people. Special people who mean a whole lot to me and who I would do a whole lot for. It doesn't necessarily entail romance, though it could, it just means that the person who has a spot there is mine and I am theirs. My bfam is there, as is My Tom and Wendy, My Jerome and Francisca, My Carolyn, My Brendan, My Bob (that one's a nickname ;) ), My Chris and a few other Mines. They have the right to claim me as theirs, even though we are not "involved". It's not just my chosen family, because there are members of my chosen family who aren't there. It's the people who make me feel that I am accepted for who I am, with all my faults and foibles, and for that they get my devotion and loyalty. A lot of people can't really handle my devotion and loyalty, so the Mines are special indeed!
Being Mine means that I will always care what happens to them. It means I will hurt for them when they're hurting, and I will be ecstatic for them when they're happy. It means I'll be honest when they're being asshats, and cheer them on when they're being particularly awesome ;). It means I will listen and I will talk. It means I will do my best to cheer them up when they are down, or offer a shoulder if they just need to cry. It means they are my Capital F Friends. They're Mine. I am intensely protective of them, but that doesn't mean I want to fence them in. I just want to beat the crap out of anyone who hurts them (even if I can't and/or am not allowed to). I want to share all good fortune with them and they are the people who rank at the tippyTOP of my heart and mind.

Thursday, March 1, 2012


I've been so proud of myself, getting to school every day (well, except yesterday because of the flu) and all on my lonesome. Going to the Y even with my mom is difficult, but Tuesday I went inside the school building when i picked my brother up and chatted with the school secretary *who I don't know*!
Then someone came over for dinner *sigh*. I've met this guy before, he's a friend of my brother's. Nice enough guy, no problems with him. But I felt uncomfortable sitting at the dinner table with him. So I sat next to my step dad, because usually this guy sits at the very end of the table, so I figured I'd be sandwiched between my brother and my dad. Nope.
I could feel my arm twitching every time his came too close to me while he was eating. It wasn't even that close. I scarfed dinner and scooted out from the table behind my step dad. So. Friggin'. Aggravating. Home territory and I can't even sit next to someone I don't know very well without getting twitchy. *facepalm*
Luckily, he's a nice and very non-judgemental sort of kid, because I'm pretty darn sure he noticed.