Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


I am having a huge bout of envy right now. A friend is at a concert that I really wish I could go to. It's not just the money issue, I also know I would be hyperventilating, shaking and/or vomiting if I attempted to go to any concert, the fact that it's punk rock just means it would be more boisterous. I want so many things for myself, and that seems like such a small thing to want, but in all honesty to achieve it...well, that would be one of my biggest hurdles. It's such a small thing, to be able to go to the concert of a band I like, it's miniscule compared to some of my other wishes. requires so much more of me than attaining an education that will allow me to be employed. With the proper education I could still get a job, even if I don't get any better than I am. Because with the right qualifications I could find a job with minimal contact. This is not something that I want to happen, but it does mean that if I did get on disability (something I am still ambivalent on it) and didn't manage to fix myself, it wouldn't mean that I have to stay on disability for the rest of my life. But a concert? A concert would require me to be able to go to a place where I am completely surrounded by PEOPLE and for me to stay that way for hours... Such a small thing, but...I've been getting palpitations just going to the Y with my mother. If something small like that causes such an effect...*sigh* So yeah. Envy up the wazoo tonight.

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