Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Saturday, March 17, 2012


While I think most weight loss self help books are kind of full of themselves and crap, I was just reading an excerpt from one (thank you library catalogue!) that kind of resonated with me. "In an abusive, emotional situation, one person may put on weight as a shield, while another person will shed weight in preparation for running away. It's all very primal. It's all a result of basic instincts." Now, I will not pretend that I have ever been petite, even when I was skinny I was not petite! But...through the course of my marriage I gained about 90 pounds. Don't get me wrong, I am not putting all my weight gain on my ex and our seriously bad-for-both-of-us relationship. I have mental health issues as well as some physical issues that have exacerbated the situation. Of course...the physical stuff didn't really start majorly impacting my life until after I'd gained a bunch of weight...
That said, this makes a lot of sense to me. I was able to maintain a size 18-20 body for many years, then I got married and...stuff happened. Stuff that really should have clued me in that the relationship I was in was a BAD idea. A little tip, if you recognize someone is in a relationship like that, bad mouthing their significant other is just going to make them defensive and less likely to listen to you. I ignored a lot of good advice because I just brushed it off under the heading "Oh, they just don't like him." The badmouthing also made me less likely to confide in people, because I didn't want to give them more ammunition. It isolated me and that isolation made the relationship even more toxic than it was to start with.
It takes two to tango, so I'm definitely not putting this all on my ex, but I maintain that if he had been willing to work at things and get help the way I wanted...we still would have ended, but it would have been much more amicable and less cruel than what happened. Why do I think we still would have ended? Because we each sincerely wanted what the other person *said* they wanted, making our life goals and wants diametrically opposed. He said he wanted to travel and be free, but in reality he wanted kids and a settled life. Whereas I always said/thought I wanted a family, career and settled life, when I'm discovering that the goals that make me happiest are the ones that lead to travel and intellectual growth. What I want for my life does not fit with what he wants. I think this whole thing may fall under the heading of "Irony" only in all caps, so "IRONY" underline underline bold ;).
This whole thing makes me really desire medical coverage that will allow me to go to cognitive therapy. Now that I have the time I don't have the insurance or the money to pursue that kind of therapy *sigh*. Murphy's Law, yes? I understand that I need to rewire my brain (figuratively, I promise I'm not an android! hehe), but I don't have the tools on my own to do so. I could try checking books out from the library, but, well...Without the feedback I'd get from a trained professional I don't know how effective it would be.
As they say though, Fighting!

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