Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Monday, March 19, 2012


I think I may have come to a decision of sorts regarding TomandWendy and Arizona. I'm going to try for it I think. I've been thinking about it for months now, and going back and forth on what to do, I'm very wishy washy and indecisive. But...I think I'm going to start planning now for moving down there. I'm not just missing them, though that's a big part of it. And I'm not just wanting to go to the University of Arizona, though that is far from being a negative! I'm also not just going because the climate there is much kinder to fibromyalgia, though with nights like these when I have aches and twitches all over my body I want to just teleport there. It is partially a combination of these things, but there's more to it even then these things.
One of the things that was dissuading me was the thought that it might just be a desire for change merely for the sake of change. This is pretty much the opposite of how I usually I am. I crave new experience, yet have a fear of change. Part of it is my mental illness, and part of it is past bad experience. So it kept volleying back and forth in my brain, and the cost of schooling factored in causing bounces and ricochets. My mind can turn into a whirlpool of deadly whatifs at times. It can suck me under too.
So I've kept thinking and weighing pros and cons and thinking and thinking and thinking get the idea. I kept going back and forth on what the "right" thing to do was. Then it just kind of clicked in my head.
I can't stop thinking about moving to Arizona because it's something that I really want. I can't let fear stop me, particularly when I have such wonderful friends who want to help me succeed. I may end up putting myself waaaay in debt by going to an out of state college, but I can't help thinking that I'm going to get far more out of my education if I'm happy than if I'm constantly struggling with morosity. I don't care if that's not a word, it should be. I've heard you can be considered for in state tuition if you can prove that you're not just moving for educational reasons. Even if I can't...I think I just need to go for it.
I'm not moving next week or anything. I'd really like to get my transfer degree done and my GPA up before I move. It would be less of a hassle....I'm trying not to let myself think "Hmm...but I haven't been able to fill out my FAFSA for the college I'm at yet...I could just transfer to the community college in Sierra Vista!" because that probably would not be the best idea. Though my brother probably *would* sell me his car since he's looking into buying  a new one anyways...and it *wouldn't* inconvenience me all that much...and I'd have the tax return money for moving...
No, *slaps self* think straight! I have to get all my name change and divorce stuff fixed...but that probably would be done before summer...Gah. See, that's the problem with making up my mind. Once I've made up my mind I just want to go DO whatever it is I've decided to do RIGHT NOW. Even when it's not feasible...unless it is...Gah. I am such a pain in my own ass sometimes.

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