Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Day 7

Day 7 is a picture of your favourite scenery. I had trouble with this one, I would have loved to do a shot of the sound, or burley lagoon or something, to show the beautiful area I am currently living in. But the weather has been nasty and I am fighting off a cold. *So*, without further ado, I give you my *other* hometown.
My other hometown is in the interior of BC. It's completely different from where I live now. It's ringed in by mountains and not coastal. It has a similar desert like climate to eastern washington. I don't know if this is true or not, but my father always told me that my great something grandfather opened the first trading post in the city. I used to get up early in the mornings and go sit on the roof to watch the sun rise over the mountains. Beautiful.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Day 6

Day 6 is a picture of a favourite memory. This was hard, but narrowed down quite a bit by the fact that I've lost a lot of pictures over the years :(. So
That's my bfam on the left :). He and my friend Emily used to plan the most fabulous themed parties. This picture is from their USO ww1/ww2 themed party. I dressed as Carmen Miranda, the only problem was I could not find plastic fruit *anywhere*. I looked and looked and looked, but finally the day of the party arrived...and I had to buy real fruit. There was no way I could carry that on my head for the entire party, so I just put it on for the inevitable photo op ;). There's actually a few pictures of me in that costume, but I love this one the best because Tyler and Andrea (the girl on the right) were the most fun to take pictures with :).
It was a glorious night. There was music, dancing (but not for me, the ankle I broke was still pretty bad then), fireworks and karaoke ;). I hopped on stage for the group bits (my friends made sure I had a chair). My favourite was when we all sang along to "I Will Survive".

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Day 5

Day 5 is a picture of what's inside your bag/purse
Only a couple of those books are for class, the others are for when I'm early to class and need to entertain myself. Yes, I carry a small purse in my backpack. You can't see my water bottle full of ginger tea, but it's there too ;). I'm pretty boring, as you can see!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Day 4

Day 4 is a picture of your childhood memory. I had trouble with this one. I finally narrowed it down to two, one actual picture from my childhood, and something that represents one my fave childhood memories. Guess which one I ended up going with? ;)
That is a picture of a well-loved and treasured children's book. My mom used to read it to me, and I've tried to get her to give me this copy but she says no ;). It was out of print for awhile, but I think there was a reprint not too long ago, so hopefully when I have spare money I can finally own my own copy. I still grab this book to read to myself periodically because it just makes me happy.
"Funny Miss Twiggley
Lived in a tree
With a dog named Puss
And a color TV.

She did what she like,
and she liked what she did,
But when company came

Miss Twiggley hid.

'It's not that I do not
Like people,' said she,
'But one gets a bit shy
When one lives in a tree.'"

Friday, January 27, 2012

Day 3

Day 3 is a picture of my most treasured item
Yes, it's my computer. Why is it my most treasured item? Because it's my primary form of communication and helps me access worlds, countries and cultures far beyond the borders of my small bit of the country. It's a tiny little laptop, so it is extremely portable, which allows me that access anywhere i may need to go.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Day 2

Day 2 of the photo challenge is a picture of the person I've been close with the longest.
My mom :) There isn't a person on this planet I've been closer to for longer, and I happen to think she's pretty nifty. And pretty. :) Not that I'm biased or anything.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Day 1

So Kelly over at Polaris Memoirs did up her version of a 30 day challenge. I figured...why not? Might be fun, and it's something to do :). So day 1 is a picture of yourself with 15 facts.

1. I am 5' 7"
2. I have 5 brothers and 1 sister, all younger
3. In high school I liked to go to school wearing a flowing patchwork cape I made out of scraps from the drama class's green room.
4. As a child my favourite actors were Shirley Temple and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
5. My conservative father was the first to show me the (incredibly crass) British series Red Dwarf
6. The Fourth Doctor is my favourite.
7. I wish I was better at science for the sole reason of being a mad scientist.
8. I get along better with people who are not WASPs for some reason
9. Bollywood musicals make me happy
10. I like Kdramas because they manage to tell good stories even though they are entirely predictable.
11. I think everyone should read Cry, the Beloved Country at least once in their lives
12. I weigh about 285 pounds
13. I like to tell people my favourite colour is clear, but I really don't have a single favourite.
14. I cry more when a dog dies in a movie than when a character does.
15. I would love to learn as many languages as humanly possible, but I don't know if I could learn all those alphabets.


So insomnia is not doing my performance in school any good at all. Of course, I have a sneaking suspicion that school is the primary reason for the nights I get the least sleep. Why do I think this? Because the nights before school are the nights I get the least sleep. Or no sleep. Being up for 30 hours is NO fun without a drinking body to double things up. Ever sleep depped and partnered it with alcohol? Epic. Also the most likely way I will end up sick the next day. But my drinking buddies are in another state :( :(. Oh well.
Being unemployed has turned me into an even harder core nerd. My light reading lately has been on gender politics in Korea...Yay! It's both interesting and depressing. At least we're done with the story of Genie in Linguistic Anthropology. That shit is depressing as *HELL*. Doubly depressing because it's all true *sigh*.
Because of my sleeplessness I haven't been able to watch much kdrama, because my eyes are too blurry to follow the subs, and even when my eyes aren't blurry I have to keep rewinding because my brain is blurry. I just canNOT follow story lines. It's sad to me that Bleach is the most intellectual thing I can watch right now (when I can read subtitles).
I've also been watching the Canadian show "Lost Girl". I actually heard about it over a year ago at Tom and Vendy's new year's party. It sounded vaguely interesting and I promptly forgot about it (disintegrating marriages have this annoying habit of being distracting). I'm kind of on the fence. I think if it was a book I would just like it. I'm not sure what I think of it as a TV show. I am LOVING the human sidekick though. Seriously, she is the best and most interesting character on the show. She is hilarious, but she has depth too. She's this show's Claudia...sort of...if Claudia were a kelptomaniac and stuff.
So tired. I have to keep reminding myself that napping WILL NOT HELP. . . *whimper*

Thursday, January 19, 2012

More on Lavender Marriage

Okay, I think I may be cured of thoughts of Lavender Marriage (though I may have nightmares). I found a matchmaking site for marriages of convenience. In the about section it had a lot of bull, but one thing that made me shudder was a sentiment of "hey, who knows, maybe it'll make you straight!"... *shudder**shudder*
Why was I googling lavender marriage? Because The Grand Narrative (a truly excellent blog on Korean culture from a Western standpoint) had a couple of links to youtube interviews of gay people in Korea. Why would this lead to googling LM? Because the lesbian interviewed mentioned as her weirdest experience going to a party for gay and lesbian people...only to find that it was a marriage party. Yes, a party to arrange lavender marriages to keep their families happy.
The reason it bothers me is because it seems archaic...but then when I think about it I's not really. It's sad, but for those who care deeply about their families it seems like not only a viable option but possibly the best option. That could so easily be me. I mom is not happy with my sexuality. My other parents don't even know (well, I'm pretty sure she didn't discuss it with my stepfather anyways). I love my family a lot. I could see making that decision, and even having kids. And that troubles me. Because...we're living in the future and the future's not supposed to be like this. It's supposed to be okay to be whoever we are. But it's not okay.
I would love to have kids, but I have no problem with the idea of adopting instead of giving birth. I have no problem with the idea of giving birth either. The thing is...there *is* an overpopulation problem and there *are* a lot of children without families. Doesn't it seem like gay people adopting is just...logical? Instead of lavender marrying and having kids (from my reading this scenario is more common than we'd like to think), why can't people just be with who they want to be and adopt? Hell, or go the surrogacy/sperm donor route I suppose. This is turning into a lame thing. Because I don't even know what I'm thinking so I don't know what I'm trying to say.
I guess....I guess I'm trying to say that I'm disappointed that this world is the way it is. I accept it, and to a certain degree I even understand it. But it's no less disappointing for all of that. Why can't everyone love who they're going to love and live their lives the best way possible? I mean, I don't see how that could make the world any worse than it already is, and it could make it a whole lot better. But people choose to interpret their scriptures (of whatever sort, confucianism is apparently no more accepting of homosexuality than conservative christianity) in the least loving way possible.
"John 13:34-35 (NIVUK) A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
"Matthew 7:1 (NIVUK)  Do not judge, or you too will be judged."
"John 8:7 (NIVUK) When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."
This equation seems simple enough to solve, so why do so called christians have such a hard time with it? Here, let's try another.
"Mark 12:28-31(NIVUK) One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, Of all the commandments, which is the most important? The most important one, answered Jesus, is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."
Let's recap...To show that you are a follower of Christ to the world around you, you should love one another as Christ loves you. You should love your neighbour as much as you love yourself. Unless you're free of sin you don't have room to cast aspersions on others' choices. Keep in mind that if you run the very real risk of being judged yourself. From my interpretation that judgment is a Heavenly one. I hope the Pearly Gates exist somehow so I can see the hatemongers trying to argue scripture at the gates.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Cuckoo in the Nest.

I don't know if you're familiar with the term or not, but a cuckoo in the nest is a misfit. A "one of these is not like the other". See, cuckoos lay their eggs in other birds nests (often after destroying the eggs that are there) and these other birds end up taking care of a cuckoo instead of their own young.
I'm kind of the cuckoo in the nest in my families, culture, subculture, etc. I'm just always not quite like the other. It's not even the mental illness, because I've made plenty of friends with similar problems and I'm still not quite like the other. It doesn't really bother me all that much usually. But sometimes it gets lonely.
Here's the silver lining though, because I'm not quite like the other I tend to make friends with a broader group of people. I've had friends who are first generation immigrants and small business owners old enough to be my parents, I've had friends who were homeless mallrats, I've had friends who were redneck liberals. It takes all sorts and I love meeting them. But I'm always not quite like the other.
This is particularly true in my families. They're conservative Christians and I'm a liberal Christian. My stepfather is the least baffled by me, but still...not quite like the other. He and I both love scifi and similar senses of humour. Since my father and I share the same things you'd think the relationships would be similar, but you'd be wrong. See, the biggest thing about my stepdad is that he just accepts that he's not going to understand everything I say and rolls with it. I accept it too, which is why (shh, don't tell) he's kind of my favourite :P. My mom loves me and does her best to accept me, but I baffle her in my wide ranging interests and she kind of thinks I've fallen away from God and am going to hell at this point. But she loves me and wants me to be healthy and happy. My stepmom loves me, but there's always been a hint of her wanting to live vicariously through me. We're similar people, but she's less of a cuckoo. She wants me to be healthy and happy, but living the life she wants for me. Same goes for my dad. He wants me healthy and happy and following his path. They love me, but I don't know that they particularly like me sometimes.
See, I'm not judgmental enough. You're trans? Cool. I'll do my best to get the pronouns right and laugh at myself when I get them wrong. You're straight and monogamous? Cool, I can dig it. You're bi, poly, pagan? Cool, I know some people you'd get along with. My dad isn't happy with the company I keep, but I figure that if Jesus hung out with whores and lepers, me hanging out with people who were born the wrong sex isn't that big of a deal.
I find acceptance in a few places, but I lack a sense of fully belonging. I may feel loved, but it's a love that loves in spite of a lack of understanding. Which actually makes me feel spectacular. I'm not loved because I'm comprehensible, I'm love in spite of (or perhaps because of) my incomprehensibility. It's great knowing that the people that love me, love me anyways. They may not understand my perspective, but that's okay :).
I'm a happy cuckoo in the nest overall, but I have itchy feet sometimes. Right now I know that it's not the time for it. I have to make money, get healthy and get my education first. But...I think the cuckoo in the nest feeling is why I want to travel. I want to see if there's a nest I belong in somewhere. Based on my experiences I kind of doubt it, but exploring the possibility is enticing. I know that I can find acceptance in a wide variety of environments because I'm respectful and accepting (overall, I do have my moments ;) ).
I'm not making any really long term goals right now (though moving to Arizona with my friends is particularly appealing when I've got the sniffles/sneezes and achy achy body) because I'm working hard on some short term goals that need to be achieved for any long term goal to succeed. But I think this is why I'm doubting the library and information science path. Because my feet are so very very itchy to explore.
I'll be honest, another current check mark on the side of Language/Linguistics is my current class. I have a wonderful teacher, but even if I didn't, Linguistic Anthropology is just firing my mind up. The linguistic aspects more than the anthropology. But...Man, this subject is captivating me. It fires my imagination in a way library science doesn't. I need to let the "Oooooooh! shiny!" wear off, but...I don't know if it will. I felt the same when I took Russian, and at the start of Japanese. I wish I had been better at memorizing the alphabets, because the teacher in Japanese was awesome.
I don't know. I should be studying, and probably will be soon, but all of this in my mind has been distracting me so I kind of needed to get it all out. I'm also wanting to just sit down and work on the study guide straight through, but don't know when we're going to the Y. That's my procrastination excuse ;). Yay procrastination! But the cuckoo thoughts have been flying through my mind so much that I can't even concentrate on the movie I've been trying to watch for the last two or three hours. I don't know that this post is going to help much...Hopefully. Wish me luck! Preferably good luck!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

More on the ex...

So...After yet again making sweeping statements and threats (legal, not physical) my ex blows my mind again. I'm hoping maybe this will break him of "why can't we be friends?" but... I doubt it. Not being in a relationship with him has shown me how toxic the relationship was, and how little I really knew him. I mean...I know him, and in the past he has rarely surprised me, but...I didn't know that he was stupid, or malicious.
It makes me realize that I should have stuck to my guns. I have believed for a very long time that people shouldn't get married before they're 25, and I let myself be pressured into it at the age of 21. I've said that I don't regret the period of my marriage because of all that it did for me, but with his most recent really makes me wish he had not been my first love and that it hadn't hit me so goddamn late. He is the extent of my relationship experience, which really makes me doubt my judgement. I don't doubt that I'll date in the future, but...I'm not sure how long it's going to take me to be able to be in a serious relationship.
I read a blog post about staying friends. I snorted. Not gonna happen in my case. I think I've decided...I'm not going to hold him to his word on anything. I'm going to forget he ever promised to pay me back. I'm just going to do my best to get this shit filed and take my name back. It's going to feel good to have my old name back :).
I'm older and wiser now, and I have friends who like me as I am (bitchiness and all). I've found friends with "compatible evil" and I've found friends who are better people than I am. I have, finally, found acceptance. It's a glorious thing. It's a wonderful thing. It's one of the most fulfilling things on the face of this planet. Acceptance. God that's good.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Some thoughts on Fibromyalgia and losing weight

The first and foremost thought being "It's friggin' hard!"
When I was living in the convergence zone my pain from fibro was kind of hellish. It was pretty severe on a daily basis. I tried to talk to my doctors about pain management and all they would tell me was "Lose weight". My inevitable reply was "HOW? I cannot move without being in pain!! If you can tell me how to do this, I WILL DO THIS." They wouldn't give me any sort of painkiller to get me through regular exercise and had absolutely no suggestions on alternatives for me. Except water walking. Which I could do for about 10 minutes.
So fast forward to now. I am no longer living in the convergence zone and my pain levels have gone down considerably. I still have chronic and daily pain, but the difference in severity is like night and day. I enjoy life more (well, part of that could be the freedom from my ex, but I put a lot of the credit to my physical well being). I am still overweight, and really need to lose about 100 pounds. mother :).
See, my mom has a Y membership and participated in their 12 week program. She told me that I should do it and I agreed. I mean, really, what did I have to lose? (see, that there's a joke, because I need to lose about 100 pounds!) So I filled out the preliminary paperwork and went to meet with one of the trainers for the program. I told her what my pain issues were and she gave me about 8 different options on how I could exercise. If my back was bothering me this machine, if my legs were bothering me this machine, shoulders, arms, etc. She also said that if I was having a flare up, to just rest and let her know so she wouldn't harass me.
I've been (actively) in the program for about six weeks now. I had a flare up and had to stop for two weeks. And that was okay. I haven't lost weight, but I *feel* so much better. As I participate, and as they broaden the scope of my exercises, I feel more and more hopeful. Suffering from fibromyalgia and constantly gaining weight because I couldn't *move* felt like a vicious cycle and a dark pit. I finally feel like I can beat the cycle. I don't need to be skinny. Even if I do lose 100 pounds I will not be "skinny". It's just not gonna happen.
People look down on people like me, but they don't know what it feels like to be made to feel helpless. To have people say "Oh, you just need to do this, that or the other thing" or "You just need to lose weight." There's no "just" about it. You say "just" and we feel like failures for not being able to achieve what healthy people can. "Just suck it up" doesn't fix any problem or help us be healthier or more physically able. So fuck off. The only reason I am in the position I am is because my marriage imploded, I lost my job and had to move in with my mother.  Does that sound like a great life plan to you?
Maybe in another year I'll be able to hop on and say "Only fifty pounds to go!". Maybe I'll still have 100 pounds to go. I really hope that I still have hope for myself though. That is the greatest thing right now, having hope and a reasonable expectation that I can get myself to a healthier place.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Nerd Power!

I am sooo gettin' my nerd on right now. Jammin' around doing the happy nerd dance. I was on the waitlist for Linguistic Anthropology and the teacher let me and the other waitlisted student overenroll into her class. Happy Dance! Happy Day!
Seriously, I cannot express my nerdy joy. We'll be studying some of the opposing views of Linguistic Anthropology and be given an introduction to Neurolinguistics and! and! and!
Ahem. So, yeah, I am a big fan of the humanities and social sciences if you hadn't guessed. I think that's one of the things that makes me waver on the library science thing, because there are things like foreign language, linguistics and cultural anthropology! Though, really, the first two are the ones that really appeal. Communication is fun, and learning about different cultures is fun. Learning about different cultures is even more fun if you're learning from the source rather than a book. I've learned a lot of things from people that I never would have learned from a book...
I remember doing a project on Pavlov's House in my Russian class (which to date has been my favourite class, but LA might top it, we'll see...) and I did all kinds of research and put a powerpoint presentation together. The day I was to present it I started talking to one of my Russian customers at work. She was a very well-educated woman and I told her about my project. Which is when I learned sometimes books miss some of the real history. See...everything I'd read said that Pavlov had no functioning higher officer to tell him what to do. Turns out that that was not true. There was a wounded lieutenant present and he ordered a retreat. But Pavlov was a staunch Stalinist and Stalin had ordered the building held, so Pavlov ignored the order and held the building. The story of Pavlov's House (google it if you haven't heard of it, it is pretty epic) is a really cool story, but I feel like erasing that lieutenant from the story takes something away from it. Keep in mind, this was a bit of oral history I was told, so it may be wrong, but...It is a very probable story.