Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Some thoughts on Fibromyalgia and losing weight

The first and foremost thought being "It's friggin' hard!"
When I was living in the convergence zone my pain from fibro was kind of hellish. It was pretty severe on a daily basis. I tried to talk to my doctors about pain management and all they would tell me was "Lose weight". My inevitable reply was "HOW? I cannot move without being in pain!! If you can tell me how to do this, I WILL DO THIS." They wouldn't give me any sort of painkiller to get me through regular exercise and had absolutely no suggestions on alternatives for me. Except water walking. Which I could do for about 10 minutes.
So fast forward to now. I am no longer living in the convergence zone and my pain levels have gone down considerably. I still have chronic and daily pain, but the difference in severity is like night and day. I enjoy life more (well, part of that could be the freedom from my ex, but I put a lot of the credit to my physical well being). I am still overweight, and really need to lose about 100 pounds. mother :).
See, my mom has a Y membership and participated in their 12 week program. She told me that I should do it and I agreed. I mean, really, what did I have to lose? (see, that there's a joke, because I need to lose about 100 pounds!) So I filled out the preliminary paperwork and went to meet with one of the trainers for the program. I told her what my pain issues were and she gave me about 8 different options on how I could exercise. If my back was bothering me this machine, if my legs were bothering me this machine, shoulders, arms, etc. She also said that if I was having a flare up, to just rest and let her know so she wouldn't harass me.
I've been (actively) in the program for about six weeks now. I had a flare up and had to stop for two weeks. And that was okay. I haven't lost weight, but I *feel* so much better. As I participate, and as they broaden the scope of my exercises, I feel more and more hopeful. Suffering from fibromyalgia and constantly gaining weight because I couldn't *move* felt like a vicious cycle and a dark pit. I finally feel like I can beat the cycle. I don't need to be skinny. Even if I do lose 100 pounds I will not be "skinny". It's just not gonna happen.
People look down on people like me, but they don't know what it feels like to be made to feel helpless. To have people say "Oh, you just need to do this, that or the other thing" or "You just need to lose weight." There's no "just" about it. You say "just" and we feel like failures for not being able to achieve what healthy people can. "Just suck it up" doesn't fix any problem or help us be healthier or more physically able. So fuck off. The only reason I am in the position I am is because my marriage imploded, I lost my job and had to move in with my mother.  Does that sound like a great life plan to you?
Maybe in another year I'll be able to hop on and say "Only fifty pounds to go!". Maybe I'll still have 100 pounds to go. I really hope that I still have hope for myself though. That is the greatest thing right now, having hope and a reasonable expectation that I can get myself to a healthier place.

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