Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

More on the ex...

So...After yet again making sweeping statements and threats (legal, not physical) my ex blows my mind again. I'm hoping maybe this will break him of "why can't we be friends?" but... I doubt it. Not being in a relationship with him has shown me how toxic the relationship was, and how little I really knew him. I mean...I know him, and in the past he has rarely surprised me, but...I didn't know that he was stupid, or malicious.
It makes me realize that I should have stuck to my guns. I have believed for a very long time that people shouldn't get married before they're 25, and I let myself be pressured into it at the age of 21. I've said that I don't regret the period of my marriage because of all that it did for me, but with his most recent really makes me wish he had not been my first love and that it hadn't hit me so goddamn late. He is the extent of my relationship experience, which really makes me doubt my judgement. I don't doubt that I'll date in the future, but...I'm not sure how long it's going to take me to be able to be in a serious relationship.
I read a blog post about staying friends. I snorted. Not gonna happen in my case. I think I've decided...I'm not going to hold him to his word on anything. I'm going to forget he ever promised to pay me back. I'm just going to do my best to get this shit filed and take my name back. It's going to feel good to have my old name back :).
I'm older and wiser now, and I have friends who like me as I am (bitchiness and all). I've found friends with "compatible evil" and I've found friends who are better people than I am. I have, finally, found acceptance. It's a glorious thing. It's a wonderful thing. It's one of the most fulfilling things on the face of this planet. Acceptance. God that's good.

1 comment:

  1. You know that Emily and I never stopped calling you "Ambergoss" - one word, no pause? If pressed, we would cough and say that your name was currently Ambergoss Strickland. And then look away, and not say anything. Less than three.