Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Cuckoo in the Nest.

I don't know if you're familiar with the term or not, but a cuckoo in the nest is a misfit. A "one of these is not like the other". See, cuckoos lay their eggs in other birds nests (often after destroying the eggs that are there) and these other birds end up taking care of a cuckoo instead of their own young.
I'm kind of the cuckoo in the nest in my families, culture, subculture, etc. I'm just always not quite like the other. It's not even the mental illness, because I've made plenty of friends with similar problems and I'm still not quite like the other. It doesn't really bother me all that much usually. But sometimes it gets lonely.
Here's the silver lining though, because I'm not quite like the other I tend to make friends with a broader group of people. I've had friends who are first generation immigrants and small business owners old enough to be my parents, I've had friends who were homeless mallrats, I've had friends who were redneck liberals. It takes all sorts and I love meeting them. But I'm always not quite like the other.
This is particularly true in my families. They're conservative Christians and I'm a liberal Christian. My stepfather is the least baffled by me, but still...not quite like the other. He and I both love scifi and similar senses of humour. Since my father and I share the same things you'd think the relationships would be similar, but you'd be wrong. See, the biggest thing about my stepdad is that he just accepts that he's not going to understand everything I say and rolls with it. I accept it too, which is why (shh, don't tell) he's kind of my favourite :P. My mom loves me and does her best to accept me, but I baffle her in my wide ranging interests and she kind of thinks I've fallen away from God and am going to hell at this point. But she loves me and wants me to be healthy and happy. My stepmom loves me, but there's always been a hint of her wanting to live vicariously through me. We're similar people, but she's less of a cuckoo. She wants me to be healthy and happy, but living the life she wants for me. Same goes for my dad. He wants me healthy and happy and following his path. They love me, but I don't know that they particularly like me sometimes.
See, I'm not judgmental enough. You're trans? Cool. I'll do my best to get the pronouns right and laugh at myself when I get them wrong. You're straight and monogamous? Cool, I can dig it. You're bi, poly, pagan? Cool, I know some people you'd get along with. My dad isn't happy with the company I keep, but I figure that if Jesus hung out with whores and lepers, me hanging out with people who were born the wrong sex isn't that big of a deal.
I find acceptance in a few places, but I lack a sense of fully belonging. I may feel loved, but it's a love that loves in spite of a lack of understanding. Which actually makes me feel spectacular. I'm not loved because I'm comprehensible, I'm love in spite of (or perhaps because of) my incomprehensibility. It's great knowing that the people that love me, love me anyways. They may not understand my perspective, but that's okay :).
I'm a happy cuckoo in the nest overall, but I have itchy feet sometimes. Right now I know that it's not the time for it. I have to make money, get healthy and get my education first. But...I think the cuckoo in the nest feeling is why I want to travel. I want to see if there's a nest I belong in somewhere. Based on my experiences I kind of doubt it, but exploring the possibility is enticing. I know that I can find acceptance in a wide variety of environments because I'm respectful and accepting (overall, I do have my moments ;) ).
I'm not making any really long term goals right now (though moving to Arizona with my friends is particularly appealing when I've got the sniffles/sneezes and achy achy body) because I'm working hard on some short term goals that need to be achieved for any long term goal to succeed. But I think this is why I'm doubting the library and information science path. Because my feet are so very very itchy to explore.
I'll be honest, another current check mark on the side of Language/Linguistics is my current class. I have a wonderful teacher, but even if I didn't, Linguistic Anthropology is just firing my mind up. The linguistic aspects more than the anthropology. But...Man, this subject is captivating me. It fires my imagination in a way library science doesn't. I need to let the "Oooooooh! shiny!" wear off, but...I don't know if it will. I felt the same when I took Russian, and at the start of Japanese. I wish I had been better at memorizing the alphabets, because the teacher in Japanese was awesome.
I don't know. I should be studying, and probably will be soon, but all of this in my mind has been distracting me so I kind of needed to get it all out. I'm also wanting to just sit down and work on the study guide straight through, but don't know when we're going to the Y. That's my procrastination excuse ;). Yay procrastination! But the cuckoo thoughts have been flying through my mind so much that I can't even concentrate on the movie I've been trying to watch for the last two or three hours. I don't know that this post is going to help much...Hopefully. Wish me luck! Preferably good luck!

No comments:

Post a Comment