Haven't posted here in a long while. Ended the semester on a good note, overall GPA of 3.7...would have been higher if I hadn't procrastinated. My dad's voice in my head still tells me "That B should have been an A" and since in this case it WASN'T math, I have to agree. It should have been an A. Kicking myself on that one.
I'm not attending this semester. Didn't have the money. Spent months trying for a job and didn't get one until late December. So, that makes me sad. And a bit morose. And...feeling like I fucked things up and that I put yet another delay on my dreams when I'm not getting any younger.
Most of the time my age is just part of who I am. It's not a negative...until it comes to this. Because I'm so much older than most of my classmates, hell, I was older than two of my teachers last semester (though one of them, not by much). I'm so much older, which means that I'm going to have less time on my chosen path and it just makes me anxious. So anxious. Because I don't know if I'll have the money to pay for classes over the summer, and if that's the case it'll be a good 8 months before I get back in school. Which is a big chunk of the year.
I started training for the job I got. It's work from home, which is nice. But the schedule is not the most conducive to school. And I'm feeling so hopeless I can't even write my silly drabbles lately. I don't know how much is the job itself, how much is the school situation, and how much is just crazysauce. But...I just feel hopeless...and adrift. I fear that I will become comfortable in the rut of working a job like this (customer service for a big ol' company) and give up my dreams. I fear I'll let my fear of living like I did with my ex (one step away from eviction, surviving on ramen and peanut butter) make me make a bad decision. But I can give no less than my best, because that's how I was raised. I can already tell that I could progress in this company quite easily if I wanted to. It wouldn't even be a bad thing, necessarily, because mine is a personality that is great for a business like this. But it wouldn't be the best thing. The best thing would be to achieve my dreams and see more of the world than I currently do.
But I wish I could write right now. That would make me feel so much better. I spent my twenties mostly not writing, when it's always been one of the things that makes me happiest. I've never needed to be published, or needed acclaim, or needed recognition of my skills from any but my loved ones. I just...feel better, more whole, when I can write. Even when it's a senseless little romantic drabble. Maybe particularly then. Because those senseless little romantic drabbles are written for no one but myself, even if I do end up sharing them with my friends. But they are written solely for me, because it makes me happy to create those scenes.
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Monday, January 27, 2014
Thursday, October 24, 2013
So much to do and so much to do
Still no job and it's getting to my self-esteem, I have to admit. I have the experience, but that also means I recognize bullshit when I see it. Maybe that's contributing to my lack of success? Who knows? I sure don't.
I cannot express how desperately I need to be living in the city. I'm driving 150 miles a day and it's completely wringing me out. I feel like I could accomplish so much more if I didn't have that commute. It's not just the time it takes (just shy of 3 hours), it's the energy it sucks out of me. I want to be exercising now that I can go days without painkiller. But I'm so exhausted that I'm usually resting for two of the three days I don't have class. I'm consuming romance novels at an INSANE rate to counteract the stress.
Oh, the stress. If I don't get a job soon there is a damn good chance I won't be able to attend next semester. If I'm lucky I'll be able to take ONE class and beg family for gas money to get to it. 150 miles takes a shit-ton of gas. (that would be the technical term, of course) Plus the drama of living with two people who seriously need to talk to a mental health professional about past issues. SERIOUSLY. I can't even fully express how much they need to.
I dream of having my own place. Do you know, I've never lived solo in my entire life? I've always lived with SOMEONE. Except for one winter that the ex spent pulling down drywall at his parent's house. It was two rooms, not enough for a winter. I kind of liked it, aside from the lack of a working heater in a shit-tastic old RV. I dream of not having people fighting and waking me up. Or constantly asking me to turn stuff down (that is not, by the way, turned up all that loud) when they have stuff playing loudly late into school nights. I can't complain because they're letting me live there rent-free...well, except for the babysitting when I watch their baby for 6-12 hours at a stretch. Just to have my own space where I could walk around naked if I wanted. Where I could watch what I liked. Just...UGH.
I'm actually not in the horrible mood this post makes me sound like. I'm writing an EXCEEDINGLY entertaining Regency Romance retelling of beauty and the beast that has me giggling (purposeful humour on the author's part, to be clear). I'm also slowly starting to get to know cool folks in my classes. Maybe I'll be lucky and stay in contact after the semester ends. We'll see.
I'm stressed, and I NEED A FUCKING JOB, but in spite of that life isn't too bad.
I cannot express how desperately I need to be living in the city. I'm driving 150 miles a day and it's completely wringing me out. I feel like I could accomplish so much more if I didn't have that commute. It's not just the time it takes (just shy of 3 hours), it's the energy it sucks out of me. I want to be exercising now that I can go days without painkiller. But I'm so exhausted that I'm usually resting for two of the three days I don't have class. I'm consuming romance novels at an INSANE rate to counteract the stress.
Oh, the stress. If I don't get a job soon there is a damn good chance I won't be able to attend next semester. If I'm lucky I'll be able to take ONE class and beg family for gas money to get to it. 150 miles takes a shit-ton of gas. (that would be the technical term, of course) Plus the drama of living with two people who seriously need to talk to a mental health professional about past issues. SERIOUSLY. I can't even fully express how much they need to.
I dream of having my own place. Do you know, I've never lived solo in my entire life? I've always lived with SOMEONE. Except for one winter that the ex spent pulling down drywall at his parent's house. It was two rooms, not enough for a winter. I kind of liked it, aside from the lack of a working heater in a shit-tastic old RV. I dream of not having people fighting and waking me up. Or constantly asking me to turn stuff down (that is not, by the way, turned up all that loud) when they have stuff playing loudly late into school nights. I can't complain because they're letting me live there rent-free...well, except for the babysitting when I watch their baby for 6-12 hours at a stretch. Just to have my own space where I could walk around naked if I wanted. Where I could watch what I liked. Just...UGH.
I'm actually not in the horrible mood this post makes me sound like. I'm writing an EXCEEDINGLY entertaining Regency Romance retelling of beauty and the beast that has me giggling (purposeful humour on the author's part, to be clear). I'm also slowly starting to get to know cool folks in my classes. Maybe I'll be lucky and stay in contact after the semester ends. We'll see.
I'm stressed, and I NEED A FUCKING JOB, but in spite of that life isn't too bad.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Food
My relationship with food is kinda fucked. That would be the technical term of course. But it's true. I've a really screwy relationship with food that is all wrapped in my self-image, insecurity, childhood, and a whole lot of other things. As a child I would hide food in my room. Even as an adult I would feel the need to hide what I was eating. I would sneak food even though it was perfectly okay for me to be eating what I was eating.
I'd been making strides, I really had! I'd gotten to the point where I was basically eating three meals a day. I even ate in public! In the student center. Sometimes. And by sometimes I mean rarely, but STILL. Progress had been made. I was eating, then I was starting to eat healthier, and...things were looking up. I felt so hopeful.
Flash forward to the present...
It's the partially the financial stress, but part of it is seeing so few obese people on campus. I'm surrounded by people a decade younger than me and half my size. I have not had any of the past bad experiences happen to me yet, but I've also not given them an opportunity to happen.
Yesterday I would have gone the whole day (on a long day I'm awake between 3.30 and 4 and leave by 5 AM, not to get home til around 9 PM) having eaten nothing but a small piece of chicken, a peppermint and an energy drink (I do not include water intake because caloric value). I ended up being hungry, which shouldn't be surprising but was. I can usually submerge those feelings quite successfully. I had no money to spare, because honestly the caffeine necessary to ensure that I don't die a fiery death on the freeway was more important. What's a girl to do? Start bitching fruitlessly on the internet of course! I didn't think there was anything to be done and...I'm a whiner at times. I really am.
An amusing conversation developed on Twitter which ended up becoming about mechs. Hilarity was had by all. Hardy har. One friend suggested mooching food off someone, but even if someone had been eating that would have been impossible. I can only mooch off of people I've shared food with in the past. Another suggested I mug someone for food, which was appealing simply for the entertainment value.
Meanwhile, on Facebook, I was messaging with one of my "internet girlfriends" and bitching there. Little did I know that she was being proactive. Shortly she messaged me, informing me that not eating for 12 hours was unacceptable and that she was going to buy me dinner via online ordering. Dinner was delicious and she was duly declared the best "internet girlfriend". But...
It made me realize that I've been pulling stunts like that for a month. Do I eat that little all the time? NO. Have I been starving my body of nutrients because of anxiety over finances and insecurity around strangers? YES. Even when I'm at home I'm guilty of this, because I am uncomfortable with the fact that my friends are feeding and housing me for free when they have so little money to spare.
So in a nutshell what's going on? I have fantastic friends and my brain is fucked.
I'd been making strides, I really had! I'd gotten to the point where I was basically eating three meals a day. I even ate in public! In the student center. Sometimes. And by sometimes I mean rarely, but STILL. Progress had been made. I was eating, then I was starting to eat healthier, and...things were looking up. I felt so hopeful.
Flash forward to the present...
It's the partially the financial stress, but part of it is seeing so few obese people on campus. I'm surrounded by people a decade younger than me and half my size. I have not had any of the past bad experiences happen to me yet, but I've also not given them an opportunity to happen.
Yesterday I would have gone the whole day (on a long day I'm awake between 3.30 and 4 and leave by 5 AM, not to get home til around 9 PM) having eaten nothing but a small piece of chicken, a peppermint and an energy drink (I do not include water intake because caloric value). I ended up being hungry, which shouldn't be surprising but was. I can usually submerge those feelings quite successfully. I had no money to spare, because honestly the caffeine necessary to ensure that I don't die a fiery death on the freeway was more important. What's a girl to do? Start bitching fruitlessly on the internet of course! I didn't think there was anything to be done and...I'm a whiner at times. I really am.
An amusing conversation developed on Twitter which ended up becoming about mechs. Hilarity was had by all. Hardy har. One friend suggested mooching food off someone, but even if someone had been eating that would have been impossible. I can only mooch off of people I've shared food with in the past. Another suggested I mug someone for food, which was appealing simply for the entertainment value.
Meanwhile, on Facebook, I was messaging with one of my "internet girlfriends" and bitching there. Little did I know that she was being proactive. Shortly she messaged me, informing me that not eating for 12 hours was unacceptable and that she was going to buy me dinner via online ordering. Dinner was delicious and she was duly declared the best "internet girlfriend". But...
It made me realize that I've been pulling stunts like that for a month. Do I eat that little all the time? NO. Have I been starving my body of nutrients because of anxiety over finances and insecurity around strangers? YES. Even when I'm at home I'm guilty of this, because I am uncomfortable with the fact that my friends are feeding and housing me for free when they have so little money to spare.
So in a nutshell what's going on? I have fantastic friends and my brain is fucked.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Beginnings
So I've had my first couple of classes and HOLY SHIT THIS UNIVERSITY IS INTIMIDATINGLY LARGE. As in the number of attendees is a couple hundred more than the population of the CITY my community college was in. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I kind of was aware of this, but being aware and suddenly realizing how many people are actually there is a whoooooole 'nother ballgame.
I got lost two and a half times yesterday and ended up wandering for (accumulated) hours. I had to stay home today because I wrecked my body a bit. Not as bad as it would have been in the Puget Sound, but I also have blood blisters on my left foot (as well as regular blisters on both feet). I know where my classes are now though, so that's something *sigh*.
My crazysauce is having trouble with the amount of people at the university. But I think I can manage...hopefully. It should only be a problem at one point during the day. I get to my first class super early and there aren't a whole lot of people out and about on campus at that time. Then I leave to eat and stay at the library for a few hours (theoretically doing homework). When I get back to campus I am going to park near my last class of the day, then walk to the second class...that's the tough one. The simple route (that won't get me lost) is both long and goes through "the mall" which is super busy and full of students. After that class is over I backtrack, but there are fewer students (though still a shit ton) out at that point. Leaving my last class I can walk out the back and get to my car with minimal social interaction. This is two days a week. The other two days are simple in and outs. So it's doable. Still stressful, but doable.
I ended up walking in front of sorority girls twice and shamelessly eavesdropped. It was kind of boring, but still kind of funny. Though mad props to the girl who has a boyfriend who's thinking marriage. Why? Because she doesn't want to support him. Way to break stereotypes chica! Seriously, she's a young thing who definitely has a grasp of what she wants from life. I have no idea what she looks like, I thought it might be creepy to turn around and look.
I am too tired to be funny right now. Insert your own joke here.
I got lost two and a half times yesterday and ended up wandering for (accumulated) hours. I had to stay home today because I wrecked my body a bit. Not as bad as it would have been in the Puget Sound, but I also have blood blisters on my left foot (as well as regular blisters on both feet). I know where my classes are now though, so that's something *sigh*.
My crazysauce is having trouble with the amount of people at the university. But I think I can manage...hopefully. It should only be a problem at one point during the day. I get to my first class super early and there aren't a whole lot of people out and about on campus at that time. Then I leave to eat and stay at the library for a few hours (theoretically doing homework). When I get back to campus I am going to park near my last class of the day, then walk to the second class...that's the tough one. The simple route (that won't get me lost) is both long and goes through "the mall" which is super busy and full of students. After that class is over I backtrack, but there are fewer students (though still a shit ton) out at that point. Leaving my last class I can walk out the back and get to my car with minimal social interaction. This is two days a week. The other two days are simple in and outs. So it's doable. Still stressful, but doable.
I ended up walking in front of sorority girls twice and shamelessly eavesdropped. It was kind of boring, but still kind of funny. Though mad props to the girl who has a boyfriend who's thinking marriage. Why? Because she doesn't want to support him. Way to break stereotypes chica! Seriously, she's a young thing who definitely has a grasp of what she wants from life. I have no idea what she looks like, I thought it might be creepy to turn around and look.
I am too tired to be funny right now. Insert your own joke here.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Oh Life, why are you so...you?
It's been awhile since I last posted. We had a looooong drive back from Kentucky and the friendship managed to survive. We didn't have internet for a bit and just got it back today. So that's a yay. What's not such a yay is my brain. Yay.
SO. Yeah. Financial Aid? Not so much this semester. I got 2500 over the basic federal funding and still needed another ten grand. That didn't happen. So I started crunching numbers like mad and...fall semester is probably going to happen, but I won't be full time (nor will I be living on campus, yaaaay hour plus commute. One way.). It's kind of frustrating because I'm losing half my pell grant and I'm only going to be 2 or 3 credits away from the full time that will give me the full amount. *sigh* BUT, I have managed to figure out how to attend this fall, and I have a lead on a seasonal job (which, as always, could lead to regular employment) that would allow me to save up enough to go full time Spring semester. I've got plans up the wazoo and am currently running a fundraiser to help me get the hardware I need for that seasonal job. https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/9ZJo8 (shameless plug)
So this is great, right? I've solved the problems in advance so there should be no problems, right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ha...yeah no. My crazysauce is in such full force right now that I almost had a panic attack standing in line at the library. THE LIBRARY. AKA the one place I never have them which is why I was initially considering getting a Library Science degree. Yeah, that is so not a good sign. My heart was pounding, my chest hurt, I could barely breathe. Just...crap. I'm holed up in the room my friends have so graciously provided for me and pop out for less than an hour at a time in an effort NOT to be a complete anti-social leach. I'm freaking out on so many fronts.
First- My mind is both humiliated and unconvinced by my fundraiser. I'm embarrassed to ask for help and in my heart of hearts I can't really believe I'm going to raise the money which leads to
Second- Crazysauce says I can't get a job, keep a job, or in any way make enough money for school.
Third-I'm staying with friends who really grok the mental illness thing. Which, of course, means they're crazy too which means we can get into vicious cycles of crazy.
Fourth-My crazysauce is so ascendant right now that I cannot help but be fearful for my performance in school.
Fifth-I'm fucking CRAZY y'all.
SO. Yeah. Financial Aid? Not so much this semester. I got 2500 over the basic federal funding and still needed another ten grand. That didn't happen. So I started crunching numbers like mad and...fall semester is probably going to happen, but I won't be full time (nor will I be living on campus, yaaaay hour plus commute. One way.). It's kind of frustrating because I'm losing half my pell grant and I'm only going to be 2 or 3 credits away from the full time that will give me the full amount. *sigh* BUT, I have managed to figure out how to attend this fall, and I have a lead on a seasonal job (which, as always, could lead to regular employment) that would allow me to save up enough to go full time Spring semester. I've got plans up the wazoo and am currently running a fundraiser to help me get the hardware I need for that seasonal job. https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/9ZJo8 (shameless plug)
So this is great, right? I've solved the problems in advance so there should be no problems, right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ha...yeah no. My crazysauce is in such full force right now that I almost had a panic attack standing in line at the library. THE LIBRARY. AKA the one place I never have them which is why I was initially considering getting a Library Science degree. Yeah, that is so not a good sign. My heart was pounding, my chest hurt, I could barely breathe. Just...crap. I'm holed up in the room my friends have so graciously provided for me and pop out for less than an hour at a time in an effort NOT to be a complete anti-social leach. I'm freaking out on so many fronts.
First- My mind is both humiliated and unconvinced by my fundraiser. I'm embarrassed to ask for help and in my heart of hearts I can't really believe I'm going to raise the money which leads to
Second- Crazysauce says I can't get a job, keep a job, or in any way make enough money for school.
Third-I'm staying with friends who really grok the mental illness thing. Which, of course, means they're crazy too which means we can get into vicious cycles of crazy.
Fourth-My crazysauce is so ascendant right now that I cannot help but be fearful for my performance in school.
Fifth-I'm fucking CRAZY y'all.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Singing again
I'm singing again. I don't mean that I ever completely stopped singing, but..There's a difference between singing along to the radio and just singing because it feels good. Because you feel good. Because sometimes there aren't words to express how right with the world, how accepted, how content, you feel. So you sing. You don't necessarily sing applicable songs, you just sing songs that feel good to sing. Because you can. Because you must. Because it feels good and you feel good..
I've still got all my normal problems, I just... I am in a better place mentally and emotionally than I can ever remember being before in my life. It's not that my anxiety (& co.) have disappeared, it's all still very much present. It's... I don't know how to explain precisely. I've never completely lost hope, not that I can think of. So it's not that I've rediscovered hope. I just... I feel so much more ABLE than I ever have before. Able to succeed, able to thrive, able to dream, able to seek out what I want in life and grab on with both hands.
And I'm happy right now. I'm going through a nerve-wracking waiting game to hear back from the University of Arizona, but... Even there I'm feeling ABLE. If I don't get in I'll try New Mexico or Nevada or other universities in Arizona or (if I must) Southern California. I will find somewhere in the southwest, I will find respite from my pain, and I will get my education. It's not "I should", "I'll try", "Maybe I...", no. I WILL.
I've still got all my normal problems, I just... I am in a better place mentally and emotionally than I can ever remember being before in my life. It's not that my anxiety (& co.) have disappeared, it's all still very much present. It's... I don't know how to explain precisely. I've never completely lost hope, not that I can think of. So it's not that I've rediscovered hope. I just... I feel so much more ABLE than I ever have before. Able to succeed, able to thrive, able to dream, able to seek out what I want in life and grab on with both hands.
And I'm happy right now. I'm going through a nerve-wracking waiting game to hear back from the University of Arizona, but... Even there I'm feeling ABLE. If I don't get in I'll try New Mexico or Nevada or other universities in Arizona or (if I must) Southern California. I will find somewhere in the southwest, I will find respite from my pain, and I will get my education. It's not "I should", "I'll try", "Maybe I...", no. I WILL.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Resolution
So, I may have mentioned that there was this guy who made me incredibly uncomfortable and I couldn't figure out why. I can't remember if I mentioned that there were other friends (female) who felt the same way. The closest of those and I discussed it and we finally decided that the reason we were uncomfortable was because he was not sending the normal type of signals. We decided that he was pursuing friends like he was trying to get laid and we were cool with that. It made us more comfortable to have quantified our own emotions.
We were wrong.
It turns out he's DESPERATE for a girlfriend. Like...REALLY desperate. As in I have it on good authority that he "doesn't care if she's fat or ugly or old" he just wants a girlfriend.
This has cast everything in a new light. I don't think I'm uncomfortable with him anymore, but I don't think I'm going to communicate my pity either. I mean, he's like...23 or 24 years old. That seems WAY too young to me to be THAT fucking desperate. I understand the whole cultural differences thing but....seriously dude? I mean, I suppose it could be that he cares more about inner beauty and all, but how this has been conveyed to me by a third party I have no reason to doubt *runs out of breath*. Ahem, based on what I've heard it has nothing to do with inner beauty and everything to do with "MUST HAVE GIRLFRIEND".
Anyways, I am fighting off a stomach bug and stressing about the future so au revoir.
We were wrong.
It turns out he's DESPERATE for a girlfriend. Like...REALLY desperate. As in I have it on good authority that he "doesn't care if she's fat or ugly or old" he just wants a girlfriend.
This has cast everything in a new light. I don't think I'm uncomfortable with him anymore, but I don't think I'm going to communicate my pity either. I mean, he's like...23 or 24 years old. That seems WAY too young to me to be THAT fucking desperate. I understand the whole cultural differences thing but....seriously dude? I mean, I suppose it could be that he cares more about inner beauty and all, but how this has been conveyed to me by a third party I have no reason to doubt *runs out of breath*. Ahem, based on what I've heard it has nothing to do with inner beauty and everything to do with "MUST HAVE GIRLFRIEND".
Anyways, I am fighting off a stomach bug and stressing about the future so au revoir.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Engaging in Escapism
Oh Lordy, am I ever! It's a little weird for me tho. This level of escapism (as in, resembling addiction and negatively impacting some very important life stuff) is a lot more typical of crazysauce than fibro. My crazysauce is currently in a really good place, so feeling this disconnect and the escape compulsion is...different.
My fibro is flaring. Like...ALL the time. It's the hazard of living where I am. I am on the edge of exhaustion constantly. I have to be careful driving home, because I'm half-afraid I'll fall asleep at the wheel. And I'm taking a foreign language class. Online. This is the class that is suffering the most from my current state, the others require less of me or something IDK. But Korean? GOOD GOD it is suffering. My teacher is extremely nice, but being nice can't help me in forcing my brain to kick into gear. I just stare at my homework and go duuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I took this class because I really WANTED to (and I wanted to before I started getting back into kdramas and such), so the fact that I currently feel so apathetic about it is frustrating.
But I was talking about escapism. Which is related.
So this year I took up the Goodreads reading challenge. I said I'd read 500 books, which is TOTALLY doable with the way I read. I figured I'd fall behind during the quarter and catch up on break. That's not what happened. It's during the quarter and I'm six books ahead on my reading goal. Because all my brain (and body) wants to do is curl up in bed and read, only shifting for the pain. So I'm catching all my math up at the last minute, BSing my way through a 200 level communications class, and totally fucking up my Korean class.
Considering I'm trying to get into a decent university and one of the majors I'm going for is Linguistics...This is discouraging. I know it's not that I'm not interested in the language, I still like it. I know it's not because I'm lazy because I'm working my ass off. I'm doing classes and conversation again, only now conversation includes four partners (one is more theoretical, but that's a whole 'nother rant) and two conversation groups. A week. I'm maintaining okay, but I'm fast getting to the point where I can't pretend anymore in Korean. I just can't think.
And right now? I hurt. I hurt and I want to crawl into bed and into a brain candy book that will give my brain cavities. I have to memorize two dialogues and learn all the Sino-Korean numbers, something I couldn't manage last quarter at all. I have to do this by Tuesday. *opens romance novel*
My fibro is flaring. Like...ALL the time. It's the hazard of living where I am. I am on the edge of exhaustion constantly. I have to be careful driving home, because I'm half-afraid I'll fall asleep at the wheel. And I'm taking a foreign language class. Online. This is the class that is suffering the most from my current state, the others require less of me or something IDK. But Korean? GOOD GOD it is suffering. My teacher is extremely nice, but being nice can't help me in forcing my brain to kick into gear. I just stare at my homework and go duuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I took this class because I really WANTED to (and I wanted to before I started getting back into kdramas and such), so the fact that I currently feel so apathetic about it is frustrating.
But I was talking about escapism. Which is related.
So this year I took up the Goodreads reading challenge. I said I'd read 500 books, which is TOTALLY doable with the way I read. I figured I'd fall behind during the quarter and catch up on break. That's not what happened. It's during the quarter and I'm six books ahead on my reading goal. Because all my brain (and body) wants to do is curl up in bed and read, only shifting for the pain. So I'm catching all my math up at the last minute, BSing my way through a 200 level communications class, and totally fucking up my Korean class.
Considering I'm trying to get into a decent university and one of the majors I'm going for is Linguistics...This is discouraging. I know it's not that I'm not interested in the language, I still like it. I know it's not because I'm lazy because I'm working my ass off. I'm doing classes and conversation again, only now conversation includes four partners (one is more theoretical, but that's a whole 'nother rant) and two conversation groups. A week. I'm maintaining okay, but I'm fast getting to the point where I can't pretend anymore in Korean. I just can't think.
And right now? I hurt. I hurt and I want to crawl into bed and into a brain candy book that will give my brain cavities. I have to memorize two dialogues and learn all the Sino-Korean numbers, something I couldn't manage last quarter at all. I have to do this by Tuesday. *opens romance novel*
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Oh winter
I have to wake up early to turn on the hot water heater. i'm up by five every morning. It's 10. 30 and I'm not really any place NEAR sleepy. I'm lying in bed propped up by pillows as my back says "throb throb throb". It subsides just long enough for me to think, hey, that's not so...oh, wait there it goes again.
This quarter is better, because, even though I'm still having mopey days, I pretty much only have to deal with the fibro. I'm not up and rabidly cheerful, but I'm far from depressed. I'm able to go out the door with waaaay less fear than last quarter. I'm really tired tho, because the fibro is not subsiding. And my mouth hurts because of the dental surgery I need and can't afford. And my lower body hurts because I have to keep walking on it even tho it hurts. And my back hurts because it's an asshole.
I started to vlog about the fibro stuff, but it was just too goddamn depressing. Who wants to get online just to say "Guess what? Life still sucks!"
Well, it doesn't suck that bad. Could be a lot worse. There's a lot going right. But my physical well-being is not one of the things going right. It's one of the things going crap.
I think I can still keep my grades up. I just need to make sure I don't over extend myself.
Oh.
Almost forgot.
Since my mental state is better I'm trying to cut out (or at least down on) the energy drinks. If I'm going to save up to go to Arizona I need to shave off extra expenditure wherever I can. And since it's looking like I won't need to self-medicate with excessive amounts of caffeine... Looks like it's me and oolong to get me through the day. *sigh* I really wish coffee didn't bother my digestive tract the way it does.
Trying to be better about taking food with me. As in better food. That might actually have some nutritional value. I'm trying to keep small servings that fit into my bag easily, because this quarter going to my car between classes just is not that easy. Maybe I'll learn to make bento boxes.
Vaguely worried about wearing out my welcome with friends, but I think that's more that I'm just uncomfortable in general about asking people for help. Hopefully this doesn't back fire.
I'm going to try and get to sleep now. My anxiety and depression is a lot better, but getting the crap out of my brain and onto digital paper always does me a world of good. Crossing my fingers for sweet, restful dreams.
This quarter is better, because, even though I'm still having mopey days, I pretty much only have to deal with the fibro. I'm not up and rabidly cheerful, but I'm far from depressed. I'm able to go out the door with waaaay less fear than last quarter. I'm really tired tho, because the fibro is not subsiding. And my mouth hurts because of the dental surgery I need and can't afford. And my lower body hurts because I have to keep walking on it even tho it hurts. And my back hurts because it's an asshole.
I started to vlog about the fibro stuff, but it was just too goddamn depressing. Who wants to get online just to say "Guess what? Life still sucks!"
Well, it doesn't suck that bad. Could be a lot worse. There's a lot going right. But my physical well-being is not one of the things going right. It's one of the things going crap.
I think I can still keep my grades up. I just need to make sure I don't over extend myself.
Oh.
Almost forgot.
Since my mental state is better I'm trying to cut out (or at least down on) the energy drinks. If I'm going to save up to go to Arizona I need to shave off extra expenditure wherever I can. And since it's looking like I won't need to self-medicate with excessive amounts of caffeine... Looks like it's me and oolong to get me through the day. *sigh* I really wish coffee didn't bother my digestive tract the way it does.
Trying to be better about taking food with me. As in better food. That might actually have some nutritional value. I'm trying to keep small servings that fit into my bag easily, because this quarter going to my car between classes just is not that easy. Maybe I'll learn to make bento boxes.
Vaguely worried about wearing out my welcome with friends, but I think that's more that I'm just uncomfortable in general about asking people for help. Hopefully this doesn't back fire.
I'm going to try and get to sleep now. My anxiety and depression is a lot better, but getting the crap out of my brain and onto digital paper always does me a world of good. Crossing my fingers for sweet, restful dreams.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Excitement and Trepidation
I'm pulling out of things a little currently. Too soon to tell if it's going to be brief or stick around. I'm obviously hoping for the latter. It helps to have friends you feel obliged to sometimes ;). I hadn't seen some friends in awhile, so I made a commitment to hang out with them. It was so fucking difficult to drag myself out of the house, but I did. It was worth it for the fellowship. There was also a birthday that I committed to. Having had the hang-out time the night before, I found it much easier to go to the shindig. It also helped that I'd committed to giving someone a ride, thus ensuring DOUBLE the obligation. Wonderful, delightful obligation that did much to put me in a more positive mindframe.
It was a wonderful party because it was for a wonderful person. The party went on for four hours and when it was done people still wanted to hang out and spend more time with the birthday girl. Because she is fantastic, wonderful, and awesome. I am truly blessed to have her in my life.
University application is in sight. So close. Finals are pretty damn close as well. Which is where the trepidation comes in. Particularly for Korean. My crazysauce insists that I'm a fraud, that I don't belong in this class and can't succeed. I'm currently telling my crazysauce to go fuck itself.
I'm planning for the future which just keeps getting brighter. I found out that one of my new (and swiftly becoming dear) friends is going to be moving to Southern California in about 3 or 4 months. The area she is moving to is going to be about a 7 hour drive (depending on traffic could pad a couple more on!) from where *I* am moving to. This is, for me, a completely reasonable distance for periodic weekend visits (going both directions). I am getting more and more excited for the future, but all the excitement leads me to anxiety too. No matter what I will find a way to make this work. I WILL.
AJA
AJA
FIGHTING!
It was a wonderful party because it was for a wonderful person. The party went on for four hours and when it was done people still wanted to hang out and spend more time with the birthday girl. Because she is fantastic, wonderful, and awesome. I am truly blessed to have her in my life.
University application is in sight. So close. Finals are pretty damn close as well. Which is where the trepidation comes in. Particularly for Korean. My crazysauce insists that I'm a fraud, that I don't belong in this class and can't succeed. I'm currently telling my crazysauce to go fuck itself.
I'm planning for the future which just keeps getting brighter. I found out that one of my new (and swiftly becoming dear) friends is going to be moving to Southern California in about 3 or 4 months. The area she is moving to is going to be about a 7 hour drive (depending on traffic could pad a couple more on!) from where *I* am moving to. This is, for me, a completely reasonable distance for periodic weekend visits (going both directions). I am getting more and more excited for the future, but all the excitement leads me to anxiety too. No matter what I will find a way to make this work. I WILL.
AJA
AJA
FIGHTING!
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Bootstrapping
I don't mean the linguistic term. I mean the act of pulling oneself up by the bootstraps (which is where the linguistic term comes from, I believe). It's what I do. It's what I have to do if I'm going to accomplish anything in my life. I've had people call me bipolar before, and I can see where they get that. But I'm not. I'm just doing everything in my power to keep from sinking into the doldrums. The doldrums where eating is a chore, where personal hygiene is iffy at best, where it seems impossible to see the light of day. It's so much WORK to try and stay out of them, but I do. Try, I mean. I have to try. My other option is just...giving up. I'll be honest, it isn't much of an option.
I was raised to believe that success was the only option. I've since come to realize that I can't really succeed without happiness, which has changed my focus a bit. Even with that change of focus though, I absolutely feel the NEED to succeed. I just...I don't know how to explain how deep-rooted those feelings are. As often as they lead me down the depression path, that determination has also pulled me out of the pit more than once.
I MUST succeed. I NEED to succeed. I WILL succeed.
Now that I'm on my own and completely focused on school and what I want from life' I AM succeeding too. Maybe not as completely as I would like, and maybe I'm working WAY harder than I feel I should need to, but I am succeeding. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to keep finding things that make me giggle and revel in them.
Life is so goddamn depressing though. I know I have family who voted against gay marriage in this election. Not "I think", it really is "I know". That hurts. It hurts that I have to sit there with my mouth zipped as much as possible while I see them...hurting me. They aren't hateful, not what I would consider homophobes, but their absolute conviction that being gay is as bad as murder is...depressing as fuck. Maybe they don't think of it that way, but that's really what they communicate.
I hadn't realized how much I'd grown away from my childhood beliefs, but I keep being confronted with it as I see my brothers (one of them 20) still toeing the party line. This absolute belief that evolution is a LIE, not erroneous, not a mistake, nothing like that, but a LIE...It hurts my brain. Having my brothers spout the "It's only a THEORY and they're teaching it in schools like it's FACT" thing...yeah.
Every so often I hope that I'll be able to come out to my family (though that would be a very COMPLICATED conversation), and I always come to the conclusion that I can either have a relationship with my family or I can be honest. I feel like I have to decide which is more important to me and it tears me up inside.
I have to get ready for school now. I just want to sit here, curl up in a little ball, and...I don't know. Something. But I have to get ready. I have to get to school because I don't miss days. So far I've managed to keep things under control well enough that I haven't had to stay home sick because of crazy. God I hope I can keep this up.
I was raised to believe that success was the only option. I've since come to realize that I can't really succeed without happiness, which has changed my focus a bit. Even with that change of focus though, I absolutely feel the NEED to succeed. I just...I don't know how to explain how deep-rooted those feelings are. As often as they lead me down the depression path, that determination has also pulled me out of the pit more than once.
I MUST succeed. I NEED to succeed. I WILL succeed.
Now that I'm on my own and completely focused on school and what I want from life' I AM succeeding too. Maybe not as completely as I would like, and maybe I'm working WAY harder than I feel I should need to, but I am succeeding. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to keep finding things that make me giggle and revel in them.
Life is so goddamn depressing though. I know I have family who voted against gay marriage in this election. Not "I think", it really is "I know". That hurts. It hurts that I have to sit there with my mouth zipped as much as possible while I see them...hurting me. They aren't hateful, not what I would consider homophobes, but their absolute conviction that being gay is as bad as murder is...depressing as fuck. Maybe they don't think of it that way, but that's really what they communicate.
I hadn't realized how much I'd grown away from my childhood beliefs, but I keep being confronted with it as I see my brothers (one of them 20) still toeing the party line. This absolute belief that evolution is a LIE, not erroneous, not a mistake, nothing like that, but a LIE...It hurts my brain. Having my brothers spout the "It's only a THEORY and they're teaching it in schools like it's FACT" thing...yeah.
Every so often I hope that I'll be able to come out to my family (though that would be a very COMPLICATED conversation), and I always come to the conclusion that I can either have a relationship with my family or I can be honest. I feel like I have to decide which is more important to me and it tears me up inside.
I have to get ready for school now. I just want to sit here, curl up in a little ball, and...I don't know. Something. But I have to get ready. I have to get to school because I don't miss days. So far I've managed to keep things under control well enough that I haven't had to stay home sick because of crazy. God I hope I can keep this up.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Oh Fibro
I've actually been vlogging elsewhere about my fibro, but honestly, I'm too tired right now to sit down and do a video. I will at some point in the next week, but right now...not so much. :/ My fibro is flaring. I've been in a lot of physical pain, I'm constantly exhausted, and I'm moving through a fog. My brain needs a new starter, it's just clickclickclickclick with no ignition. I've fallen behind in my schoolwork a bit. It's not an insurmountable bit, but it's still a bit. I stay at school late because I can keep myself awake there. The minute I get home my body is just like "Okay, bedtime!" with no respect for what I need to get done. Sometimes my body has been sending me to bed without dinner. No matter how much or little sleep I get this week, I'm always tired. I'm draggin' draggin' draggin'. I think longingly of the potential of Arizona. I know I'll still have problems, my health is in the pits and it's going to take time to improve it, but... I just anticipate not having to kill my liver with anti-inflammatories on a daily basis.
I'm going dancing with my friends at the Y. The aerobics room is free in the morning, so we can dance in front of a huge mirror as we make fools of ourselves trying to learn dance steps. I may only last ten minutes, but that time with friends is invaluable. I may last only 5 minutes, but I don't care, I'm still going.
I have a birthday party to go to tonight, and I'm probably going to have to caffeinate just to get there. I don't know if caffeine helps my pain levels (I mean, it usually seems to, but that could be my mood it's affecting, you know?), but I've never really known it to hurt (unless I have a headache, sometimes it can then).
I'm just trying to chant "Aja! Aja! Fighting!" and "You can do eet!" to get through this flare. I mean, when the flare is done I'll still be in pain, but it will be MANAGEABLE pain. Pain I'm used to, pain i can cope with. My brain is so muzzy right now that while it was shouting at me/itself "Something's following you and is going to KILL YOU!!", my (and my brain's) response was "Really? That's nice."
I'm going dancing with my friends at the Y. The aerobics room is free in the morning, so we can dance in front of a huge mirror as we make fools of ourselves trying to learn dance steps. I may only last ten minutes, but that time with friends is invaluable. I may last only 5 minutes, but I don't care, I'm still going.
I have a birthday party to go to tonight, and I'm probably going to have to caffeinate just to get there. I don't know if caffeine helps my pain levels (I mean, it usually seems to, but that could be my mood it's affecting, you know?), but I've never really known it to hurt (unless I have a headache, sometimes it can then).
I'm just trying to chant "Aja! Aja! Fighting!" and "You can do eet!" to get through this flare. I mean, when the flare is done I'll still be in pain, but it will be MANAGEABLE pain. Pain I'm used to, pain i can cope with. My brain is so muzzy right now that while it was shouting at me/itself "Something's following you and is going to KILL YOU!!", my (and my brain's) response was "Really? That's nice."
Monday, October 15, 2012
the feels
I have, as they say, "all the feels" right now. Except they're mostly not the good feels. I'm taking another communications class this quarter (Intro to) and we have been given an assignment about performing our identity. I did a rambly video, basically enumerating all my "identities". Then I decided it was a cop-out and decided to do something else. Something I made a video for because just words don't communicate it. I want my classmates to see how it affects me. Then I started getting all panicky because what if she decided to show them in class and I'd have to lead a discussion about something I can't share without tears. The only thing worse than talking in front of people is crying in front of them, and both the subject and stress make me cry.
I emailed the teacher and if she says we don't have to present in class I'm going to submit the video I made for this.
I'm out...but I'm not.
I told my mom that I was neither straight nor monogamous
She told me not to tell the family
and prays for my soul every night.
At school I say proudly who and what I am
while secretly fearing
that it will get back to my family
I say proudly who I am
and then double-check every internet post
video
link
To make sure my father doesn't catch on
I hope someday to meet someone
someone I can spend my life with
not someone who completes me
someone who enriches me
and I don't care what their gender might be
except for when I dream
I dream I fall in love with a girl
and we want to get married
and when I invite my family
to this dream wedding...
They reject me.
In these dreams I have children
children who will never know half their family
and in my dreams I decide it's better to be alone.
I emailed the teacher and if she says we don't have to present in class I'm going to submit the video I made for this.
I'm out...but I'm not.
I told my mom that I was neither straight nor monogamous
She told me not to tell the family
and prays for my soul every night.
At school I say proudly who and what I am
while secretly fearing
that it will get back to my family
I say proudly who I am
and then double-check every internet post
video
link
To make sure my father doesn't catch on
I hope someday to meet someone
someone I can spend my life with
not someone who completes me
someone who enriches me
and I don't care what their gender might be
except for when I dream
I dream I fall in love with a girl
and we want to get married
and when I invite my family
to this dream wedding...
They reject me.
In these dreams I have children
children who will never know half their family
and in my dreams I decide it's better to be alone.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Lightbulb moment
So the past week or two have (has?) been difficult. My crazysauce is dominant and I'm having to force myself not to bolt when I'm walking outside (I don't always succeed). It is DEFINITELY affecting my performance at school. But I've been pulling through (barely in some cases). Math was taking a huge hit. I just wasn't processing things on concepts that I know I know. It's like, I understood the idea, but not the application thereof.
I had a quiz today and I'm not done with all the classwork (we submit electronically). I was freaking out a little and I was determined to work hard on it yesterday before my hair appointment (which ended up getting cancelled). Instead I geeked out with my classmate (who is rapidly becoming a friend) for FOUR HOURS. It was an accident, but it was a very good decision. I woke up this morning able to math. When I went outside to the other fridge to fetch my yogurt (if I don't put it there my brothers eat it all) I was able to suppress my panic reflex easier than I have in WEEKS.
It's not news to me that reducing stress helps my mental health (and processes!), but it seems like I always forget. I get so focused on what needs to get done that...I basically forget that *I* have to be in working order to get those things done. Scheduling geek out time won't work, but I need to be better about embracing destressers. Yes, my kdramas and such are a distraction, but you know what? If I'm going to get good grades those distractions are neccessary.
AJA!
AJA!
FIGHTING!
I had a quiz today and I'm not done with all the classwork (we submit electronically). I was freaking out a little and I was determined to work hard on it yesterday before my hair appointment (which ended up getting cancelled). Instead I geeked out with my classmate (who is rapidly becoming a friend) for FOUR HOURS. It was an accident, but it was a very good decision. I woke up this morning able to math. When I went outside to the other fridge to fetch my yogurt (if I don't put it there my brothers eat it all) I was able to suppress my panic reflex easier than I have in WEEKS.
It's not news to me that reducing stress helps my mental health (and processes!), but it seems like I always forget. I get so focused on what needs to get done that...I basically forget that *I* have to be in working order to get those things done. Scheduling geek out time won't work, but I need to be better about embracing destressers. Yes, my kdramas and such are a distraction, but you know what? If I'm going to get good grades those distractions are neccessary.
AJA!
AJA!
FIGHTING!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Good Exhausted
There's good exhausted and bad exhausted. Bad exhausted makes me sick and keeps me from doing what I want or NEED to do. Good exhausted is when I can't do much more, but I've been able to accomplish what I wanted. This is a week of good exhaustion.
I'm doing the school thing without meds. No antidepressants. No antianxiety meds. I can't afford the doctor's visit and he can't renew my prescription until I go. He's actually been really understanding. It's been almost a year since my last visit and I'm supposed to have a medication management appointment every six. But...I can't afford the visit. So I go without.
So far the major difference seems to be in my degree of exhaustion. I'm always tired, but never quite this much. I'm also a lot sweatier, which...yeah, anxiety. I'm not too stinky, thankfully! That is a big "thankfully" as I'm currently unable to use any kind of deodorant (yay sensitive skin!). I've been keeping things together, though I had a close call when I thought I wasn't going to get a spot in back. I get preferred seating thanks to access services, but I would have had to kick someone out of their seat and....yeah. Thankfully it was all an illusion and I was able to snag the last seat in the back row. Note to self: Don't be so fucking nice, let them get the door themselves, get your ass in there, and get your goddamn seat!
The fighting spirit is still up and moving. Just have to maintain it.
I'm doing the school thing without meds. No antidepressants. No antianxiety meds. I can't afford the doctor's visit and he can't renew my prescription until I go. He's actually been really understanding. It's been almost a year since my last visit and I'm supposed to have a medication management appointment every six. But...I can't afford the visit. So I go without.
So far the major difference seems to be in my degree of exhaustion. I'm always tired, but never quite this much. I'm also a lot sweatier, which...yeah, anxiety. I'm not too stinky, thankfully! That is a big "thankfully" as I'm currently unable to use any kind of deodorant (yay sensitive skin!). I've been keeping things together, though I had a close call when I thought I wasn't going to get a spot in back. I get preferred seating thanks to access services, but I would have had to kick someone out of their seat and....yeah. Thankfully it was all an illusion and I was able to snag the last seat in the back row. Note to self: Don't be so fucking nice, let them get the door themselves, get your ass in there, and get your goddamn seat!
The fighting spirit is still up and moving. Just have to maintain it.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Fall Quarter 2012
Oh yeah, coming up fast. Monday as a matter of fact! Very excited. I feel a little unprepared, but I feel like that at the beginning of every quarter. I'm wishing my M-F math class wasn't in the morning, but I heard good things about this teacher so I'm waking up early. I haven't taken a math class in ten years and I have an anxiety disorder, having a good teacher is going to be the difference between passing and failing for me. :/
My pop culture communications class was cancelled. Sad face. But I still managed to get into another class with the same teacher. She is AMAZING. I've learned that it's important to have good teachers who make you feel safe when you have Panic Disorder. She does. I've had good teachers who just couldn't create that kind of environment, and I have had crappy teachers who could. Just to clarify.
SO EXCITED FOR KOREAN. I can't even express how excited and anxious I am. I can usually *hear* the different phonemes okay, it's just duplicating them where I have trouble. Well...okay, I don't *know* if I have trouble or if I just *feel* like I have trouble. Still excited though. I've got everything necessary installed on my computer (I think). The only thing I need to do is get the keyboard stickers. :D :D :D
I can remember hating the start of the school year when I was younger. Having something that excites passion as your goal? Very awesome. Makes school a fun adventure instead of a chore. I'm even looking forward to the chore classes *koffmathkoff* because they help push me down the path I want :).
Tired, awake, excited, anticipatory, FIGHTING!
My pop culture communications class was cancelled. Sad face. But I still managed to get into another class with the same teacher. She is AMAZING. I've learned that it's important to have good teachers who make you feel safe when you have Panic Disorder. She does. I've had good teachers who just couldn't create that kind of environment, and I have had crappy teachers who could. Just to clarify.
SO EXCITED FOR KOREAN. I can't even express how excited and anxious I am. I can usually *hear* the different phonemes okay, it's just duplicating them where I have trouble. Well...okay, I don't *know* if I have trouble or if I just *feel* like I have trouble. Still excited though. I've got everything necessary installed on my computer (I think). The only thing I need to do is get the keyboard stickers. :D :D :D
I can remember hating the start of the school year when I was younger. Having something that excites passion as your goal? Very awesome. Makes school a fun adventure instead of a chore. I'm even looking forward to the chore classes *koffmathkoff* because they help push me down the path I want :).
Tired, awake, excited, anticipatory, FIGHTING!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
The Shining Future
So everything in my life right now seems to be revolving around college and the future. I'm okay with that :). I'm still having a bit of a slump, but I'm coming out of it a bit (fingers crossed, knock wood). The future looks bright and hope is getting her breath back after having it knocked out of her. I'm going to be a PAID conversation partner this quarter :). I don't know how much I'll be making, but I don't really care. Why? Because I was going to be doing it for free *anyways*, anything I get is a bonus ;). Well, okay, not exactly a conversation partner, I'll be running conversation groups. Which, by the way, is a totally new thing (WHICH IS SO COOL).
I'm also trying to help my little Vietnamese bfam get squared away before I move to Arizona. He's a great kid, but it's...He just doesn't know how to stand up for himself, or go out and get what he wants. He has a problem speaking to people in authority. I had to go with him to a bunch of little meetings and appointments at the college over the last week or so. I want to give him a starting point to go from, not plan his life. I almost think he'd be happier if I just told him "This is what you're doing!". However, telling him what to do won't help him grow a backbone for the future. He's a good kid, he's just...a kid.
So that's something that's taking a fair amount of time, it's like pulling teeth to get a firm response out of him! But we're getting there. We're starting the university hunt for him and I've managed to get him to at least *think* about East Coast schools. This is important because his parents want him to get into a top 100 university, and he just wanted too look at TWO states! Yeah, need more options honey. So I'm finding universities that fit his and his parent's criteria (his parents: Pre med, top 100 school. his: Somewhere where it's not hot all the time, that has decent public transportation, has a nutrition program, and is fashionable ;) ).
I'm starting to focus on the whole transfer process. I need to do REALLY well this quarter so I can bring my GPA up. So at the end of the quarter I'll be putting in my application at the University of Arizona. This also gives me time to work on stuff like a personal statement/application essay. "Pick me because I'm fucking awesome and will work my ass off" probably isn't going to cut it. Unfortunately. It's exciting, exhilarating, and scary.
I'm also looking at what I'm going to do for the next few years. I'm looking at what the prices there are like, and wondering if it's possible that I'll be able to hold down a job. I really want it to be possible because I don't want to be on government aid. AT ALL. (which, by the way, I haven't heard anything else about lately). I want to work hard, study hard, and succeed. Success, for me, means being self-sufficient.
All geared up for the quarter to come, resigned to math, excited for Korean, and ecstatic about running my new conversation group.
Aja! Fighting!
I'm also trying to help my little Vietnamese bfam get squared away before I move to Arizona. He's a great kid, but it's...He just doesn't know how to stand up for himself, or go out and get what he wants. He has a problem speaking to people in authority. I had to go with him to a bunch of little meetings and appointments at the college over the last week or so. I want to give him a starting point to go from, not plan his life. I almost think he'd be happier if I just told him "This is what you're doing!". However, telling him what to do won't help him grow a backbone for the future. He's a good kid, he's just...a kid.
So that's something that's taking a fair amount of time, it's like pulling teeth to get a firm response out of him! But we're getting there. We're starting the university hunt for him and I've managed to get him to at least *think* about East Coast schools. This is important because his parents want him to get into a top 100 university, and he just wanted too look at TWO states! Yeah, need more options honey. So I'm finding universities that fit his and his parent's criteria (his parents: Pre med, top 100 school. his: Somewhere where it's not hot all the time, that has decent public transportation, has a nutrition program, and is fashionable ;) ).
I'm starting to focus on the whole transfer process. I need to do REALLY well this quarter so I can bring my GPA up. So at the end of the quarter I'll be putting in my application at the University of Arizona. This also gives me time to work on stuff like a personal statement/application essay. "Pick me because I'm fucking awesome and will work my ass off" probably isn't going to cut it. Unfortunately. It's exciting, exhilarating, and scary.
I'm also looking at what I'm going to do for the next few years. I'm looking at what the prices there are like, and wondering if it's possible that I'll be able to hold down a job. I really want it to be possible because I don't want to be on government aid. AT ALL. (which, by the way, I haven't heard anything else about lately). I want to work hard, study hard, and succeed. Success, for me, means being self-sufficient.
All geared up for the quarter to come, resigned to math, excited for Korean, and ecstatic about running my new conversation group.
Aja! Fighting!
Monday, September 17, 2012
My hair
If it hasn't been clear, I'm in a bit of a slump. My temper is...easily triggered, but I'm managing to swallow most of my reactions. I vent on the internet and try to spend as little time with my family as possible. It's not that they're horrible (though insensitive and ignorant at times), it's just...we're in such close proximity all the time that we periodically get on each other's nerves ANYWAYS. My current state means it just effects me more.
The new quarter is starting soon, and I'm beginning to look at what I need to do to transfer to the University of Arizona. I need to get in. So badly. I don't know what's happening with social security. I don't know how I'm going to do at school with no meds to ease my way. I...just need this one thing to go smoothly. I've had a lot of random roadblocks thrown my way lately and, even though they've mostly been trivial matters, it's getting to me.
My fibro isn't too bad lately, but I'm trying to be more physical and dance and stuff and...am paying the usual sort of cost. It's okay. It's also totally worth it.
So why is the title of this post "My Hair"? Well, hypothetical reader, I'll tell you. I've not so jokingly told people in the past that you can gauge my mental condition by the length of my hair. If it abruptly goes short, it means I've gone into a slump where I forget to brush my hair (we won't discuss the other personal hygiene issues that sometimes accompany the situation). So the hair has matted and I've chopped or had it chopped off. The times I've chopped it myself were...entertaining ;). Particularly the summer time ponytail episode. That time it hadn't matted, the summer weather had just *really* gotten to me. To say it was uneven would be an hilarious understatement.
I've been having moments where it's dawned on me that I haven't brushed my hair in a couple of days. Yesterday...actually, day before yesterday at this point...in any case, whatever day it was, i finally hit a moment where I couldn't just brush the tangles out. Had to cut a small mat out. I have beautiful hair, and it's one of my few vanities. It's been a matter of pride to have my hair this long. I don't think it's been this long in...at least six years, possibly closer to thirteen. But I might have to chop it, because I can't take care of it.
If I do...If I do have to chop my hair off because of mental health I plan on dyeing it an outlandish colour. Because I've never been able to. I won't let it be a defeat, it will merely be an opportunity. If I have to chop my hair off, I will chop it SHORT (and donate to locks of love if the hair isn't too damaged) and dye it lavender.
The new quarter is starting soon, and I'm beginning to look at what I need to do to transfer to the University of Arizona. I need to get in. So badly. I don't know what's happening with social security. I don't know how I'm going to do at school with no meds to ease my way. I...just need this one thing to go smoothly. I've had a lot of random roadblocks thrown my way lately and, even though they've mostly been trivial matters, it's getting to me.
My fibro isn't too bad lately, but I'm trying to be more physical and dance and stuff and...am paying the usual sort of cost. It's okay. It's also totally worth it.
So why is the title of this post "My Hair"? Well, hypothetical reader, I'll tell you. I've not so jokingly told people in the past that you can gauge my mental condition by the length of my hair. If it abruptly goes short, it means I've gone into a slump where I forget to brush my hair (we won't discuss the other personal hygiene issues that sometimes accompany the situation). So the hair has matted and I've chopped or had it chopped off. The times I've chopped it myself were...entertaining ;). Particularly the summer time ponytail episode. That time it hadn't matted, the summer weather had just *really* gotten to me. To say it was uneven would be an hilarious understatement.
I've been having moments where it's dawned on me that I haven't brushed my hair in a couple of days. Yesterday...actually, day before yesterday at this point...in any case, whatever day it was, i finally hit a moment where I couldn't just brush the tangles out. Had to cut a small mat out. I have beautiful hair, and it's one of my few vanities. It's been a matter of pride to have my hair this long. I don't think it's been this long in...at least six years, possibly closer to thirteen. But I might have to chop it, because I can't take care of it.
If I do...If I do have to chop my hair off because of mental health I plan on dyeing it an outlandish colour. Because I've never been able to. I won't let it be a defeat, it will merely be an opportunity. If I have to chop my hair off, I will chop it SHORT (and donate to locks of love if the hair isn't too damaged) and dye it lavender.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Because that's just how I roll....
So...yeah. This past week has been kind of stressful. I had to compose two melodies for Music 101 and had a week in which to do it. However, I also had a presentation and paper due for two of my other classes. So I worked really hard on those for that whole week...Only to find that they weren't due 'til NEXT week. Also, frustration with Youtube, fair usage rules, and an inability to contact copyright holders to see if I could host a video on Youtube for the purposes of a freakin' school assignment. Seriously, you're going to protest against me using THIRTY SECONDS of shows that have (at the minimum) over 16 hours of footage? Seriously?!
So, I had only finished the first four bars of (combined) 16 bars of music assigned, when I got to school and found out that I had to do it in pen and in a different clef (well, at least the first one). Before that I had forgotten to take my meds. So I was working really hard on this music, and remembered I had to title it...I thought "FML" was an extremely funny and appropriate title...until the teacher first misread it ("FMC?" "No, it's an L"), then didn't understand ("What's FML mean?" <class breaks into giggles>), and then had it explained to her by one of my classmates ("It means... F my life." sympathetic look from the teacher "Oh, sweetie").
*pops collar* Yeah, that's just how I roll. Hey, I only made one mistake in the music, so there's that.
Fighting!
So, I had only finished the first four bars of (combined) 16 bars of music assigned, when I got to school and found out that I had to do it in pen and in a different clef (well, at least the first one). Before that I had forgotten to take my meds. So I was working really hard on this music, and remembered I had to title it...I thought "FML" was an extremely funny and appropriate title...until the teacher first misread it ("FMC?" "No, it's an L"), then didn't understand ("What's FML mean?" <class breaks into giggles>), and then had it explained to her by one of my classmates ("It means... F my life." sympathetic look from the teacher "Oh, sweetie").
*pops collar* Yeah, that's just how I roll. Hey, I only made one mistake in the music, so there's that.
Fighting!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Happy days!
So, as of yesterday I am free! Judge signed off on the dissolution papers, and in a few business days I'll be able to start the name change process. I'm so excited! It's kind of weird, because I'm not who I was when I last had that name, but... I feel kind of like I'm reclaiming my identity. Like...I don't know, it's like I'm officially and legally myself, independent of all others and their baggage. It's really invigorating. The ex showed up to court with his baby mama (by the way, as a note to the world in general, it's not exactly the height of classiness to cuddle with your new squeeze when you're in court to divorce the old one. Just sayin'.) so that could have been awkward. However, I had a terrible time finding parking, so I entered the building after them. Yay silver linings! Went up, did all that needed doing, the judge gave us the slips telling us how to get our paperwork and BAM free!
I have to admit, at first I was really uncomfortable. There were a lot of people in the courtroom. I mean, it wasn't full or anything, but there were marginally more people than my brain was comfortable with. I was even sitting on the bench at the very back of the room, right against the wall, and I still felt my back tensing up. I managed to stay calm and confident on my walk up to the judge, but I am not ashamed to admit that I booked out of there. I didn't run, but it was an extremely brisk walk!
I'd put makeup on and was wearing nice clothes. When I got home I changed my pants and shoes (they were just a little too warm) and headed out to meet my conversation buddy. Everybody kept complimenting me! The gal who works in the International Student office, my convo partner, her friend...It was great! I might need to start putting a little more effort into my appearance ;). Honestly though, most mornings it's all I can do to make sure my coat's on right side up. There's only so much caffeine can do!
So that was nice :). Then last night I went to a solo night for the jazz choir. It was super fun. There are some astounding voices in that group! I felt really bad for one guy, he flubbed "Fever" and then psyched himself out so he kept flubbing it. He had corny intros for his songs. I ended up chatting with him after, he's a nice kid. I told him that I thought it took a lot of courage just to get up and sing by himself in front of people, so he was already ahead of the game! It was a nice chat...He looked awfully familiar, I think he might be in my music class...I am so horrible with names! My gramma might go with me to the next jazz choir thing, maybe my grandpa too. I hope so anyways. My grandparents and I might have our issues, but they helped instill my love of music deep within my soul. Jazz, in particular, is what my grandpa introduced me to.
I am tired, but happy. On top of everything else, I finally solved a problem that had been keeping me from moving forward on a final project for one of my classes!
I'm not just Fighting! I am Winning! ;)
I have to admit, at first I was really uncomfortable. There were a lot of people in the courtroom. I mean, it wasn't full or anything, but there were marginally more people than my brain was comfortable with. I was even sitting on the bench at the very back of the room, right against the wall, and I still felt my back tensing up. I managed to stay calm and confident on my walk up to the judge, but I am not ashamed to admit that I booked out of there. I didn't run, but it was an extremely brisk walk!
I'd put makeup on and was wearing nice clothes. When I got home I changed my pants and shoes (they were just a little too warm) and headed out to meet my conversation buddy. Everybody kept complimenting me! The gal who works in the International Student office, my convo partner, her friend...It was great! I might need to start putting a little more effort into my appearance ;). Honestly though, most mornings it's all I can do to make sure my coat's on right side up. There's only so much caffeine can do!
So that was nice :). Then last night I went to a solo night for the jazz choir. It was super fun. There are some astounding voices in that group! I felt really bad for one guy, he flubbed "Fever" and then psyched himself out so he kept flubbing it. He had corny intros for his songs. I ended up chatting with him after, he's a nice kid. I told him that I thought it took a lot of courage just to get up and sing by himself in front of people, so he was already ahead of the game! It was a nice chat...He looked awfully familiar, I think he might be in my music class...I am so horrible with names! My gramma might go with me to the next jazz choir thing, maybe my grandpa too. I hope so anyways. My grandparents and I might have our issues, but they helped instill my love of music deep within my soul. Jazz, in particular, is what my grandpa introduced me to.
I am tired, but happy. On top of everything else, I finally solved a problem that had been keeping me from moving forward on a final project for one of my classes!
I'm not just Fighting! I am Winning! ;)
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