Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


I don't mean the linguistic term. I mean the act of pulling oneself up by the bootstraps (which is where the linguistic term comes from, I believe). It's what I do. It's what I have to do if I'm going to accomplish anything in my life. I've had people call me bipolar before, and I can see where they get that. But I'm not. I'm just doing everything in my power to keep from sinking into the doldrums. The doldrums where eating is a chore, where personal hygiene is iffy at best, where it seems impossible to see the light of day. It's so much WORK to try and stay out of them, but I do. Try, I mean. I have to try. My other option is up. I'll be honest, it isn't much of an option.
I was raised to believe that success was the only option. I've since come to realize that I can't really succeed without happiness, which has changed my focus a bit. Even with that change of focus though, I absolutely feel the NEED to succeed. I just...I don't know how to explain how deep-rooted those feelings are. As often as they lead me down the depression path, that determination has also pulled me out of the pit more than once.
I MUST succeed. I NEED to succeed. I WILL succeed.
Now that I'm on my own and completely focused on school and what I want from life' I AM succeeding too. Maybe not as completely as I would like, and maybe I'm working WAY harder than I feel I should need to, but I am succeeding. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to keep finding things that make me giggle and revel in them.
Life is so goddamn depressing though. I know I have family who voted against gay marriage in this election. Not "I think", it really is "I know". That hurts. It hurts that I have to sit there with my mouth zipped as much as possible while I see them...hurting me. They aren't hateful, not what I would consider homophobes, but their absolute conviction that being gay is as bad as murder is...depressing as fuck. Maybe they don't think of it that way, but that's really what they communicate.
I hadn't realized how much I'd grown away from my childhood beliefs, but I keep being confronted with it as I see my brothers (one of them 20) still toeing the party line. This absolute belief that evolution is a LIE, not erroneous, not a mistake, nothing like that, but a LIE...It hurts my brain. Having my brothers spout the "It's only a THEORY and they're teaching it in schools like it's FACT" thing...yeah.
Every so often I hope that I'll be able to come out to my family (though that would be a very COMPLICATED conversation), and I always come to the conclusion that I can either have a relationship with my family or I can be honest. I feel like I have to decide which is more important to me and it tears me up inside.
I have to get ready for school now. I just want to sit here, curl up in a little ball, and...I don't know. Something. But I have to get ready. I have to get to school because I don't miss days. So far I've managed to keep things under control well enough that I haven't had to stay home sick because of crazy. God I hope I can keep this up.

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