Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Trucking along...barely

I'm still struggling with crazysauce right now. The hardest part currently is the paranoia. I doubt pretty much everyone, except for my absolute closest friends. And even with my absolute closest friends I still struggle with feelings of...fear that I'm annoying them maybe? Not that that makes sense right now, as school takes up AAAALLLLLLLLLL my time, so I don't really get a chance to chat with people much and sure as hell don't have an opportunity to overwhelm them with my emotions. The fear's still there though.
The harder thing to deal with is the fear that people are just tolerating me. Or that I've somehow completely offended someone and that they're avoiding me. Never mind the fact that, in the one instance that is at the top of my brain right now, they haven't really been talking to me much in the first place. Never mind the fact that I'm a bit over a decade older than them and they don't know how to talk to me. All that matters to my brain is that they talk A LOT with others in our mutual groups not with me. I understand that they don't know how to relate to me, I understand that we haven't been close from the start, I understand that we probably will never be close. I've understood that, but now my brain is convinced that they HATE me and there's nothing I can do to persuade it otherwise.
It's not even something that matters that much. It's really not. I just...I feel like I'm alienating everyone around me even though I know it doesn't make sense. Because I keep my mental state close, even though I'm open about my mental illness. I just...
Gah. I don't even know what the fuck I'm trying to say. I just feel adrift and isolated inside, while on the outside and I'm laughing and socializing more than I have in years.

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