Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Excitement and Trepidation

I'm pulling out of things a little currently. Too soon to tell if it's going to be brief or stick around. I'm obviously hoping for the latter. It helps to have friends you feel obliged to sometimes ;). I hadn't seen some friends in awhile, so I made a commitment to hang out with them. It was so fucking difficult to drag myself out of the house, but I did. It was worth it for the fellowship. There was also a birthday that I committed to. Having had the hang-out time the night before, I found it much easier to go to the shindig. It also helped that I'd committed to giving someone a ride, thus ensuring DOUBLE the obligation. Wonderful, delightful obligation that did much to put me in a more positive mindframe.
It was a wonderful party because it was for a wonderful person. The party went on for four hours and when it was done people still wanted to hang out and spend more time with the birthday girl. Because she is fantastic, wonderful, and awesome. I am truly blessed to have her in my life.
University application is in sight. So close. Finals are pretty damn close as well. Which is where the trepidation comes in. Particularly for Korean. My crazysauce insists that I'm a fraud, that I don't belong in this class and can't succeed. I'm currently telling my crazysauce to go fuck itself.
I'm planning for the future which just keeps getting brighter. I found out that one of my new (and swiftly becoming dear) friends is going to be moving to Southern California in about 3 or 4 months. The area she is moving to is going to be about a 7 hour drive (depending on traffic could pad a couple more on!) from where *I* am moving to. This is, for me, a completely reasonable distance for periodic weekend visits (going both directions). I am getting more and more excited for the future, but all the excitement leads me to anxiety too. No matter what I will find a way to make this work. I WILL.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Trucking along...barely

I'm still struggling with crazysauce right now. The hardest part currently is the paranoia. I doubt pretty much everyone, except for my absolute closest friends. And even with my absolute closest friends I still struggle with feelings of...fear that I'm annoying them maybe? Not that that makes sense right now, as school takes up AAAALLLLLLLLLL my time, so I don't really get a chance to chat with people much and sure as hell don't have an opportunity to overwhelm them with my emotions. The fear's still there though.
The harder thing to deal with is the fear that people are just tolerating me. Or that I've somehow completely offended someone and that they're avoiding me. Never mind the fact that, in the one instance that is at the top of my brain right now, they haven't really been talking to me much in the first place. Never mind the fact that I'm a bit over a decade older than them and they don't know how to talk to me. All that matters to my brain is that they talk A LOT with others in our mutual groups not with me. I understand that they don't know how to relate to me, I understand that we haven't been close from the start, I understand that we probably will never be close. I've understood that, but now my brain is convinced that they HATE me and there's nothing I can do to persuade it otherwise.
It's not even something that matters that much. It's really not. I just...I feel like I'm alienating everyone around me even though I know it doesn't make sense. Because I keep my mental state close, even though I'm open about my mental illness. I just...
Gah. I don't even know what the fuck I'm trying to say. I just feel adrift and isolated inside, while on the outside and I'm laughing and socializing more than I have in years.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


I don't mean the linguistic term. I mean the act of pulling oneself up by the bootstraps (which is where the linguistic term comes from, I believe). It's what I do. It's what I have to do if I'm going to accomplish anything in my life. I've had people call me bipolar before, and I can see where they get that. But I'm not. I'm just doing everything in my power to keep from sinking into the doldrums. The doldrums where eating is a chore, where personal hygiene is iffy at best, where it seems impossible to see the light of day. It's so much WORK to try and stay out of them, but I do. Try, I mean. I have to try. My other option is up. I'll be honest, it isn't much of an option.
I was raised to believe that success was the only option. I've since come to realize that I can't really succeed without happiness, which has changed my focus a bit. Even with that change of focus though, I absolutely feel the NEED to succeed. I just...I don't know how to explain how deep-rooted those feelings are. As often as they lead me down the depression path, that determination has also pulled me out of the pit more than once.
I MUST succeed. I NEED to succeed. I WILL succeed.
Now that I'm on my own and completely focused on school and what I want from life' I AM succeeding too. Maybe not as completely as I would like, and maybe I'm working WAY harder than I feel I should need to, but I am succeeding. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to keep finding things that make me giggle and revel in them.
Life is so goddamn depressing though. I know I have family who voted against gay marriage in this election. Not "I think", it really is "I know". That hurts. It hurts that I have to sit there with my mouth zipped as much as possible while I see them...hurting me. They aren't hateful, not what I would consider homophobes, but their absolute conviction that being gay is as bad as murder is...depressing as fuck. Maybe they don't think of it that way, but that's really what they communicate.
I hadn't realized how much I'd grown away from my childhood beliefs, but I keep being confronted with it as I see my brothers (one of them 20) still toeing the party line. This absolute belief that evolution is a LIE, not erroneous, not a mistake, nothing like that, but a LIE...It hurts my brain. Having my brothers spout the "It's only a THEORY and they're teaching it in schools like it's FACT" thing...yeah.
Every so often I hope that I'll be able to come out to my family (though that would be a very COMPLICATED conversation), and I always come to the conclusion that I can either have a relationship with my family or I can be honest. I feel like I have to decide which is more important to me and it tears me up inside.
I have to get ready for school now. I just want to sit here, curl up in a little ball, and...I don't know. Something. But I have to get ready. I have to get to school because I don't miss days. So far I've managed to keep things under control well enough that I haven't had to stay home sick because of crazy. God I hope I can keep this up.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

sucktastic yo

Went dancing with my friends today (including a couple new ones). And by that I mean I went with my friends and did shit until my body crapped out less than 10 minutes in. At which point I tried doing stationary bike for a bit while they danced. That lasted maybe 5 minutes. I almost cried while I was watching them learn a new dance.
It's so frustrating to want to do things and not be able to. I'm hanging onto the idea of Arizona like a lifeline, but I know it's not a magic wand. I'm not going to move to Arizona and suddenly be able to do things. I'm going to move to Arizona and have to work REALLY HARD to get myself healthy again. I'm going to have to work out and gradually build myself back up to the strength I used to have (Oh so long ago!). And it's not a guarantee. I could move there and have little to no improvement. I'm still going to have my dental issues because I can't afford the surgery required (yay wisdom teeth rotting in my mouth! :D /sarcasm). I'm still going to be horribly knock-kneed. I'm still going to be massively obese. I'm still going to be crazy. I'm still...
When I think of all the things that I'm "still" gonna be it's downright frustrating. I'm moving there to have a CHANCE, but sometimes it feels like a vain hope. It's like, I can't help thinking in the back of my head "this is going to fall through, you're not going to make it there." or "you're going to get there and it won't help your health AT ALL." or worse of all "You're just a lazy fucking bitch, all this shit is in your head because you don't want to do the WORK required to be skinny and you're still going to be lazy when you move there."
The biggest fight for respect I have is with myself. Nobody thinks littler of me than I do. It's always this nagging voice in the back of my head. "You're unattractive, lazy, stupid, fat, and just plain WRONG." "You're not really poly, you just can't function in a normal, healthy relationship." "You're deluding yourself, you're not queer." Crazy shit. Shit that doesn't make sense. I know it's crazytown because there's no way in HELL I would have CHOSEN to be not-straight with my family. Seriously. I'd rather be straight-up asexual, in all honesty. If I had a CHOICE.
I just don't know what to do when i'm being hammered by crazytown AND fibro. I have heard nothing from SS. I think I missed the deadline for the stupid-ass statement they wanted me to make. How's this for a statement? "I can't do all this shit you're asking me because I'm batshit crazy and have fibro and miss your deadlines because I'm doing this BY MYSELF. Because I don't have the money for a lawyer and my family sure as hell won't help me, because they're half-convinced I'm overreacting. Or lazy. So will you just cut me some fucking slack and HELP ME?!!?"
I have to say "Fighting!" I have to believe in myself. But it's so fucking hard.