Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

So much

I had a fantastic weekend. I probably (definitely) overdid it, but it was more than worth it. I got a respectable chunk of homework done and am a little ahead in some of my homework. I danced, I socialized, I snuggled friends I haven't seen in too long, and just generally grinned my face off. I also ended up pondering things. I am quite tired and trying to stay awake so as to get a few more things done.
One of the things I've been pondering is social interaction. Ever since I can remember I've been kind of awkward at it. I used to piss people off by, uh, being a little too honest. I made a girl in my Girl Scout troop very unhappy when she made an offhand comment about our "friendship" and I said "But we're not friends." Why? Because we weren't. She didn't even like me all that much, our moms worked together and were friends so we were in Girl Scouts together. That's when I learned you're supposed to lie to people. BUT, you can't get caught at it.
My dad had me read How To Win Friends And Influence People at a fairly young age. I couldn't tell you how young, because I've got a memory like a broken sieve. It really taught me a lot about getting along in "normal" society. I'm planning on replacing my copy soon.
I used to do the social chameleon thing, whatever someone wanted me to be I'd try (and fail) to be. I gave up because I wasn't very good at it. But I still sometimes catch myself doing chameleon-y stuff in social settings. I think it's because I still take my cues from other people. I have some friends I admire and try to emulate. Sometimes in social situations i have to REALLY watch myself, because I'll mimic their reactions. Not because I'm trying to mock them, or want to be them, it's just...sometimes I just don't know the "proper" reaction, so my instinct is to copy someone I know to be more adept than myself.
What's really funny to me is that people seem to think I'm this...I dunno...charming social adept. I like people, I really do. I love meeting new people. I love talking to them. I love the interaction. But sometimes it's too much for me, and that's why I have finely honed auto-responses for when my brain is going bye-bye. Maybe that's why I have the reputation I do. I don't know. People seem to like me, at least surface level. It's once they start to get to know me better that I weird them out and they take off. Or they stick around because I'm fun, and when I start to have one flare-up or another and cease to be "fun"....they bail.
I'm going to bed soon, hopefully this post will get enough stuff out of my brain to sleep.

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