Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Analyzing myself

I do it a lot and I think I do a pretty good job of figuring out why I feel the rational things. The irrational is, of course, clearly laid at the door of the chemical imbalance in my brain. I'm having trouble with a reaction now and talking it out to myself hasn't helped, neither has talking it out with other people.
So there's a new international student. Well, okay, there's more than one new one, but there's one in particular that I have an inexplicable problem with. He makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why. In a group setting it's not too bad, but when I'm alone with him I feel...uncomfortable. I cannot get more specific than that, and I've tried. I'm not scared, I don't think he's untrustworthy. I just am not comfortable being alone with the guy.
I thought maybe it was because he was kind of aggressive about introducing himself. I mean, not aggressive in a violent way or...I don't know. Not aggressive in a physical way. I suppose insistent would be a better word. Which is why I shoved that to the wayside. I don't think it's his insistence, or at least, not JUST his insistence.
My brother was like "Maybe you like him!" but I don't think that's the case. I mean, I've liked people before and it didn't feel like this. I could feel uncomfortable around them, but it was more my awkwardness than anything to do with them. And this definitely has to do with him.
The trouble I'm having is this: Is this a rational or irrational thing? I mean, I don't want to ignore my instincts if they're trying to tell me something, but I also don't want to give someone a bum rap because they've triggered something in my wonky chemistry. The thing is...even when it IS an irrational feeling, it's based somewhat on a rational trigger. Like past experience, y'know? If a person reminds me of another person I had a really bad experience with then my brain will send up red flags without telling me why. Then I figure it out and it's fine. But I honestly can't in this case. And it's frustrating.
I guess I mostly just wanted to moan and complain about not knowing why I feel the way I do sometimes >-<.

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