Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Sexual o_O

My dad doesn't know I'm not straight...or monogamous. I don't want to tell him, but I do at the same time. Because I'm very tired of editing myself before I speak. But I'm afraid that the truth would hurt my stepmother. My mother knows, and specifically asked me not to say anything to my brothers. My grandma just kind of shrugged it off. She's a sharp lady, I don't think she was too surprised. I'm a lot like my grandma, mean but funny. I actually try really hard to cut the mean part out of the equation, but I'll admit that I'm always thinking the mean.
I am polyamorous and not straight. I don't think I'm gay either, nor particularly bisexual. I like the word "queer" because it's so open ended. My sexuality is as follows: I am not sexually attracted to a lot of people, but of those I have been attracted to all but one have been girls. I am 28 and don't need to take off my shoes to enumerate the list (just to put it into perspective).
I sometimes wonder if my sexuality (or lack thereof?) has anything to do with my wonky brain chemistry. I mean...I have a wonky body, wonky brain chemistry and wonky sexuality. I don't mind my wonky sexuality, I just think life would be nicer if it worked a little more often. A harem would be nice ;). See, that's funny because my wonky sex drive ensures that I won't have one! Ha. Ha. *sigh*
I wonder about myself sometimes. I laugh at so much I wonder if I have a sense of humour or just hysteria. That was a joke too...or was it? O_o
Parsing stuff like this gets too serious. I don't really know that it matters all that much, except possibly in the case of parenting. I wonder if someone like me with my lack of understanding of any binary sort of sexuality would have a problem parenting. Makes me wonder if I should just not consider it. That and the brain chemistry. Being single isn't a stop to it, I've known more than a few wonderful single moms. I think I could be a good one. At least up until puberty. I can handle the most stressful situations if I have someone else to look after. This is something that my ending marriage taught me. What I often can't do for myself, I can do for someone else. I think...I think though that I've just answered a question I had. I shouldn't have a child until I *can* do for myself. If I'm too old to have one by that point, I'll adopt. One of plusses of adoption is having the option to get one that's already house trained! That was only sort of a joke ;).

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