Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Lavender Marriage.

I am obsessed lately with the idea of lavender marriage. For those who are not history nerds, lgbtq or lgbtq history nerds, a lavender marriage was when a gay man and a lesbian woman would get married to appease the social mores of the time so that they could see the people they *actually* were interested in on the side. Also, a straight woman could be substituted as long as she wasn't interested sexually and it would still be lavender marriage. Cole Porter's marriage is an example of that working. The point being that it is not a marriage based on sexual attraction or sexual interaction. It's a relationship that is used by both parties as a security blanket and to protect themselves from an oppressive and aggressive society. I mean, we're talking situations where you could be beaten to death for being gay.
I am not obsessed with getting lavender married (well, okay, if I am reallyreally sleep deprived or drunk or both I tell my friends to find me a nice gay man to settle down with) in real life. I just can't stop rolling it through my brain, as in, imagining scenarios where it would happen. In almost all of them I'm living in the 50s or 60s. Except for one where I was in Korea and married a gay man and he and his lover and I adopted a baby. It was a cute dream. But I digress.
The idea of having a platonic life partner is nice, but the lies that have to go into it and the circumstances in which it would feel *necessary* bother me. I also can't help but wonder if that's a little bit of why I stayed married so long. I mean, the sex could be great, wasn't as frequent as it could have been. It makes me wonder...Was I subconsciously staying in a lavenderesque marriage? I mean, it wasn't truly lavender because of the whole heterosexual sex thing, but... I still wonder. And then feel like even more of a bitch, cuz, yeah. I didn't do the dumping, though I did try to leave, but I am the one who fell out of love first. Even if I didn't realize it. I think I was out of love for, oh, at least a year before I realized it.
So, I guess that's why I've been obsessing. Wouldn't an *honest* lavender marriage be better? Better than staying in a marriage because it's habit, or you don't like being alone (which honestly is not that big of a deal for me but it probably contributed), or you don't want your parents to disapprove, or...Particularly if someone else's emotions are involved. I think my ex knew, because he kept growing more and more insecure and more and more paranoid. Neither of us really knew why. Heh. I feel kind of shitty, but I guess his instincts were right!
I just don't have a lot of experience (ooooo, thought of a name for my orientation! BAsexual! see, it's a combination of bisexual and asexual! Not accurate, but it would be funny to say to someone) with relationships. I just didn't recognize the end of the relationship because it was the only long term relationship I was ever in, so I had no experience in recognizing the signs. So I feel bad for being oblivious, but he was still a dick ;).
Maybe if I watch a few movies about lavender marriages I will work it out of my system...Either that or it will just make it worse, heh. When really tired I asked my bfam if he would lavender marry me. I felt really creepy, cuz...yeah, too much like incest for my mind's liking. He said if we lived in the 40's he would totally lavender marry me, and I said we would move to Miami and have our own the 40's. hmmm....I wonder if Katherine Hepburn would have gone for me ;).

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