Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Monday, December 5, 2011

All my malfunctions

I get to conquer tomorrow all on my lonesome, driving into the city to meet with a lawyer. This is a big deal for me. Going to the grocery store by myself without having an anxiety attack is an achievement, I don't say this sarcastically. It truly is an achievement to be able to conquer unreasoning fear. I try to celebrate each little victory for my own sake. A bunch of little victories are worth as much as one big victory, and can provide more lasting change.
I suppose it may not seem like much to someone "normal" (and what is that anyways?), but it is a big deal to exert independence from your own brain. It's so hard to go out in public by myself, I feel crowded by the people around me and claustrophobic. If I have someone with me then it's not as bad, but I've learned my lesson there. It's never good to have to count on someone else for your own mental well being. Because people can let you down, and in the end not having them can drag you down farther than having them shored you up. I'm not saying that accepting help is bad, I'm saying relying on it was for me. I am having to create brand new coping mechanisms and structure for my new life. It's scary, and I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to do it but I will, because not succeeding is not an option.
In spite of all of my malfunctions I am still hopeful. I have friends who want me in their lives regardless of how inconvenient I can be, and a mother who loves and supports me even though she kind of thinks my lifestyle is the devil. I have my heart and soul where it's always been, trying to break free from my broken self and soar into heavens of my own making. Yeah, yeah, it's cheesy, but that's how it feels. I love this life and this world, complete with pain, joy and misunderstandings.
It's funny, I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and yet a lot of people think I'm the most cheerful person they know. I can be cynical, but everything is there to be smiled and laughed over. Want to know why? Because it can always be worse and it can always get better.

No comments:

Post a Comment