Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Figuring out the Future

I am currently at a low ebb on the shores of crazy. This last week saw the reappearance of zombiecrazy, wherein I felt like an idiot. That's one of the cons of having such a ridiculous fear, it's hilarious when it's not happening but embarassing as all get out when it does happen. The low ebbs are what make me soooo uncertain about the future.
I've been pursuing a degree in library science, though have not yet gotten through to my AA yet. Yay crazy and stress! Anyways, I have been pursuing this degree because I love books and I don't have panic attacks in libraries...of course, getting to the library can be a problem when I am feeling completely ill equipped to travel anywhere by myself. So I've been pondering the idea again, which is just what I do. I beat things into the ground trying to figure them out.
Is this the right field for me? Will I even be able to get the degree with the social phobia and anxiety making going to school difficult? I think I can get through the latter, I am, if nothing else, tough. I like to think I'm tough anyways. I'd really like to think I'm tough enough to barrel my way through things. But that still leaves the first question. Should I do this? I want a life lived extravagantly. I don't neccessarily need a job that pays crazy good wages, if I have a job that fulfills me and allows me to improve myself in one way or another. I would be a great librarian, or I could be a great information specialist of the various sorts that the Library and Information Sciences degree would qualify me for. But...Since I've lost all of my routines and so on that kept me functioning for the past 5 years I have to wonder...Is putting myself in a box the right thing to do? I mean, it is the easy thing to do. It's easy to create a structure and schedule that turns into a box I keep myself in. It's very easy. I can even be pretty content living that way. But is content the same thing as happy? I don't think so. Content is getting by, happy is thriving.
Thrive! Thrive! Thrive! Live! Live! Live!
I need to know that I can get more out of life. I do get more than people expect out of every moment, but I don't want to have to wring the clothe of life to get the drops out. I'd rather have a trickle of refreshing experience, than a rag I ring out over and over and over again. I don't need to be famous. I don't need to be rich. I don't need to be influential. I don't need power. I just need...I just need to be able to say "I experienced life firsthand." I don't think that's so much to want. I just don't know how to do it.

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