Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Friday, December 23, 2011


The holidays remind me of how socially maladroit I can be. I am bad at editing myself to the occasion, so usually it's safer just to keep my mouth shut. I am normally an inveterate chatterbox, given the opportunity I can talk for hours. Which makes it funny that I am not a fan of giving speeches. I can remember my dad coming home from a parent teacher conference laughing. One of the teachers had expressed concern that I was too quiet in class, my dad thought she was joking. What he didn't understand (and still doesn't to a certain degree) was that being in a classroom was nerve wracking for me. Social phobia anyone? Not that I was diagnosed at that point. I also just got in the habit of being quiet in most classes for a couple of reasons. One reason was that I was harassed by other students if I participated too much, and the other was that I was (and am) incredibly good at saying the wrong thing.
I usually don't offend people, I just aggravate them. As I've gotten older I get a more positive reaction, even though sometimes laughter is not the reaction I'm hoping for. Now the odd thing is that while I've always accidentally aggravated people, I've also always been able to get way with saying things and asking questions that would be offensive if asked by someone else. I don't know why. Is it that I am so obviously clueless that people find me non-threatening? Or is it pity that makes it okay for me to say whatever needs to be said?
Here's another thing, *WHY* are these things supposed to be offensive? I mean, what's the big deal about asking about sexual orientation? If it's pertinent to the conversation, what's so bad? Sexual orientation is not a huge deal, just sometimes within the framework of a conversation I personally think clarification helps to understand someone's point of view. Just what is the huge deal there? Why *shouldn't* someone ask clarifying questions? Wouldn't conversations go a lot smoother, and discussions be less acrimonious, if people understood one another's perspective??
Now, as for the holidays... I am reminded of my maladroitness because communicating with my family is aggravating as all get out. You'd think that after dealing with me my entire life they would be used to the fact that I constantly ask questions and that conversations with me never go in a straight line. But they don't. They get annoyed if I get "off-topic", or talk about something frivolous when they're talking about something serious (or vice versa). I understand that they don't want to be derailed, but if I walk away they get upset because they think I'm upset and that just annoys the heck out of me since *before* they got upset I wasn't! Then they get defensive and it goes downhill from there. So for the holidays I try *not* to get involved in group conversations. I used to just hang out with "the kids", but "the kids" aren't all that young anymore. I'll probably end up nabbing my brother to play a game, or just watch a movie in another room.
Holidays. blah.
Joyeux Noel.

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