Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Thoughts on Marriage

My mind will randomly find a subject and then circle around, up, over and through it for as long as it feels like. Sometimes it's mere minutes, sometimes it's days. I was thinking about a few things vaguely, inspired by how incredibly aggravated I was by my stepstepgrandfather. I also randomly found out my grandfather is a staunch Democrat, which surprised me in a happy way. My grandfather and I have spent many years butting our heads, but I don't think there's a doubt in either of our minds that there is a lot of love between us. I may baffle him, but I know he loves me. He may not always know how to show it, and I may not always know how to respond, but so much love is there.
So why is the title of this post on marriage? Because my grandparents are coming up on their 58th wedding anniversary in a few months... Because I'm divorced, fellow divorcees seem to think that I'm going to be as disillusioned about the institution as they are. I'm not. I don't know if marriage is for me, I mean, with the whole Gray-A thing and all, but I'm never going to rule it out. I've seen it be successful. My grandparents were high school sweethearts, and though they've had their problems (my grandma can be a bitch and my grandpa has a temper (which I inherited!)), they still love each other. They still share the same bed. They still make each other happy.
My parents are divorced, but the second time around they got it right. My mom and step dad couldn't be more different, and I know he gets on her nerves at times, but...There is real love and affection there. My father and stepmother were made for each other. In each case, my parents found spouses that just fit. Together my parents were...miserable and awful. They should never have married. I'm kinda glad they did, or I wouldn't exist! But the fact remains that they were a bad match. Their second marriages are happier, healthier and model what I wanted (and didn't get) in marriage.
Maybe someday I'll get married again. To a man? Woman? Androgyne? Who knows? Who cares? If I can ever find that person, the person who complements my weirdness and can tolerate it as well...I don't really care what their gender is. All I'll care about is if the love is there, as well as the dedication needed to make a relationship work. Hopefully, if that day ever rolls around, I'll be allowed to marry them.

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