Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

It's like this...

Depression is not easy to manage, but if I can stay on top things I do. Manage that is. But if I slip up at the wrong moment I can end up in a depressive slump. So I've slipped up. I called in my refill, but it won't be ready for a day or two, and even when it is...Once a slump has been hit, medication can't just pull me out. It has to run its stupid fucking course and I've got to fight to get on an even keel. I can fake it for a few moments, that I'm okay. I can fake it for a whole day. But anything more than that. Bah. These are the times I have to be careful with alcohol. I have to be really fucking careful. Because that's a far too easy form of self-medication. The rest of the time I can indulge and it's fine. If my anxiety is acting up, I can drink alcohol. But when it's my depression? Baaaaad idea. With or without medication. I'm a happy drunk you see, and alcohol is a mood booster, so when I'm feeling like this it's really REALLY hard not to drink to excess. So I can't drink anything. Even though, no PARTICULARLY because, it makes me feel better. I don't want to become an alcoholic of any stripe, and when I'm depressed...binge drinking is scary easy.
I was really enjoying watching this older Kdrama I finally found, but now I'm going to have to put it on hold. Why? Because the very emotional stories that I love so much can make me a rollercoaster when I'm feeling like this. I'm going to be bad and finish this book I'm reading because A) it's really good and B) I want to know what happens. With the kdrama, I know it's going to have a happy ending, but I can't watch through all the "drama" that gets us there. So...I'll be watching a lot of guy movies probably, and reading less emotional fare.
If anyone ever reads this who has friends who suffer from any sort of depression, a few tips. First, offering help can be a good thing. I know it makes me feel like I have a place in the world even when my depression argues. However, if I don't want help I just need the person offering to fucking accept it and let me be. There are exceptions to this rule, but...I know that when I'm depressed I have a hard enough time with self-respect, so when someone won't respect my wishes it bothers me. Second, please please please dear LORD please, don't take it personally if the person you know wants to be left alone. It's hard enough dealing with this shit by myself, people who have no clue (through no fault of their own!) just make me feel worse. I have a few people I talk to about this shit and they ALL suffer from it too. Well-meaning people and their sympathy are great, but they need to back the fuck off sometimes. Third, little things are important. If the person you know doesn't feel comfortable having you around during this period, just message them in some way so they know they aren't forgotten. Does your friend like hot chocolate? Swing by their house to drop some off and linger no more than is necessary. Does your friend like a band? Find a youtube video they might not have seen and send it to them. If they're a local band, go and film them for your friend (after getting permission of course). These things that may seem minor to you help someone like me keep a connection to the world when I have to cut myself off from it so I can regain my equilibrium.
Lastly, when your friend is starting to emerge, wants to socialize again, welcome them with open arms. Tell them how much you missed them. However, don't expect them to be able to leap back into things straight out. If you want to invite them out to do things, make sure they are things you can leave early from, just in case. You may not be a person who can truly understand what if feels like to be this way, but if you can let us know that you care ANYWAYS and that you respect us...It makes a huge difference. You have no idea.


  1. I always find it curious when people decide that the way to handle a depressed person is to avoid them and leave them to wallow and be alone and get more depressed. It's weird. Like, for me, I want to be alone with someone. I don't want to leave my house, but if someone wants to just come sit with me it can be the most therapeutic thing on the face of the planet.

    1. See, for me it helps to be alone because my social anxiety is worse for me when my depression's acting up. When my Panic Disorder and anxiety are up I crave human interaction, it's weird. I guess the main point of my advice was to respect people's wishes and not take things personally. People insist they know what's best for me and that...doesn't work for me. I don't know if my communication style isn't firm enough or what.

    2. People don't know how to help. Especially with a mental illness. It baffles them. You can't fix what you can't see. Also people expect that they should be able to fix things, and they don't always realize that it's okay to not fix.

    3. That's so very, very true.