Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Saturday, June 16, 2012


So I've been having a pretty good time of it recently. Then today, abruptly, I started feeling really down and hopeless. I sunk into that for most of the morning before my brain said "Wait a minute...where the fuck did this come from?" Oh yeah, I've forgotten to take my anti-depressants for the last 3 days *facepalm* and, oh look!, I also kept forgetting to call in my refill so I only have 2 left! Gifted, ladies and gentlemen, that's me. Just plain...gifted.
It's really silly for me to feel down right now, particularly since I just got my grades for this last quarter. 4.0 across the board. Yesssss. So feeling down about my prospects and future was kind of a red flag. I mean, I'm doing what I set out to do, which is to excel so that I can get into the program I want. So why would I suddenly start feeling like "I'm never going to be able to do this. Even if I do get my degree I'm going to end up remaining a jobless loser."? Because my brain HATES me, that's why!
I know a few of the triggers behind it though. It's because now that I'm pursuing something (linguistics) just because it interests me and not because I have a solid plan (Library Science->college librarian) my brain is scrambling for a plan. I can definitely justify linguistics as a degree, there are a lot of career paths it can help me in as well as aiding me in my desire to become a polyglot. However, I don't have a solid plan for my future. In the past I've had plans that never came to fruition (and we will not go into why because I am focusing on me and my future, not how I got screwed over in the past), but I've always had *plans*. Now I'm kind of going a completely different route. I've got a few firm plans, and I'm making sure that they're solid with a backup, but I don't have everything all mapped out. This is really hard for my brain to handle. In an attempt to help my brain, I started trying to plan a *possible* future path....yeah, that backfired.
So I emailed a blogger I follow about teaching overseas. I tried to be very clear in my questions but, as usual, I was misunderstood. I still received some valuable input, but at the same time...It bothered me. The questions he understood me to have asked were dismissed because he felt they'd been answered elsewhere. I went back and reread my questions. It was pretty obvious what he thought I was saying and I felt like a fool for not communicating better. But he still gave me some valuable input, and he is a busy family man, so I didn't clarify. It killed me not to. I hate being misunderstood, I hate not communicating in a fashion that others can easily understand, and I hate that my teachers and friends identify me as a good communicator when I'm obviously not. I can usually clarify things so that I'm understood, but it's really hard for me to let it go. So I will keep clarifying, over and over, until I feel I am understood.
It's really hard to let that go. It's really hard not to email this guy and clarify my questions up the wazoo. My brain dwells on this saying "Now he's going to think I'm just lazy and didn't read other blogs to find these things out. Good grief, I sound like a friggin' moron, a friggin' LAZY moron." This is just stupid. Because he was really nice and relatively helpful. He doesn't know me from Adam and he still took time out of his very busy life to respond and I'm being all butthurt that he misunderstood me. It happens all the time, and I just can't get used to it. Every time it happens I flagellate myself for being a moron and start resenting the person who misunderstood me even though that makes NO sense. It's NOT a new sensation, it's normal. I know this. So why do I let myself get sucked in? Because my brain fucking HATES me, that's why.
Bah. I think I need some alcohol. No...that's not right, it's not alcohol I need, but time with my friends letting loose. Unfortunately crazysauce ensures that I'm not going to be able to for a little while.
Man, if my crazy were a person I would beat the shit out of them.

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