Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Fantasy World

Yeah, I live in a fantasy world sometimes, but at least I'm not lost in one :). I understand that it is fantasy and that it won't ever happen. I really do. But when I'm faced with the idea of going on disability, and the realization that I may never be able to do what I want  to do...Fantasy land is my lifesaver. It helps me hold on to my dreams when I feel myself fragmenting. If I couldn't lose myself in fantasy land I don't know what I'd do. Probably give up entirely. So I keep my fantasy world healthy and thriving. :)
My fantasy world varies a lot. Sometimes it's me traveling the world as a nomadic scholar. It's been as simple as being essentially the governess for a well-off family in Korea (or Japan or ...). Whatever it is, even in my fantasy world I may not have conquered all my problems, but I've figured out how to work around them. In my fantasy world I can go out dancing with my friends and not have to worry about a panic attack. Rarely am I in the Puget Sound in my fantasy world, but sometimes I am. Usually I've found a place to belong. The most plausible has me in Arizona with Tom & Wendy.
Currently I've fallen back on an old one. See, I like Kdramas. A lot. From when I used to call them "Korean soaps" and watched them in utter ignorance of the language I've like them. And of the creators, the Hong Sisters have become my favourites. They're quirky and tell a good story. So in my fantasy world I'm living in a Hong Sisters drama. Not an existing one, one in my own mind. And I am *NOT* the lead, thankyouverymuch. I am the plucky, kickass sidekick! ;) I don't mean I daydream about being a famous actor in Korea (kind of impossible considering their exacting beauty ideals!), my daydream is the drama itself. The unfolding story and my part in it. It's definitely not a real life story, considering it involves an accidental gay marriage! But it's fun and it comforts my spirit.
I have set myself a funny little goal, and while it sounds like fantasy world fodder, it is a real goal. Truly. I want to learn Korean well enough to write a song I have in my head. I'll have to gain some real music knowledge as well (I don't know the keys or how to read music, my dad just used to teach me songs by ear) in order to make it happen. I'm lucky enough that I have friends who can help me, both in willingness and ability. So, as they say, Fighting! I may have a lot more in my fantasy world(s) than in real life, but this little thing, this I'm claiming. This is going to happen in my real life and when it does I'm going to post it on youtube. No matter how horrendous my accent is, or how hokey the song might end up, I'm going to post it for the world to see. Because while I can be courageous in many ways, I need to learn how to open myself up more to the world at large. Yeah, I do come up with weird ways to do so, but the point is that I am *always* striving. I will continue to strive, and that is one of the things that makes me ME and extraordinary :).
I'm gonna do Auntie Mame proud ;).

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