Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The joys of chronic pain

I am experiencing intense pain right now. It's not new. I'm used to it. It leaves me in tears, but it's not an unfamiliar feeling. I can tell how helpless my mother feels when I come out of the room in tears because I hurt so bad and there's nothing I can do about it. I mean, marijuana can help, but I have no idea how to get it. And then taking it would be a problem. My mom is even (theoretically) okay with it if it would mean I wasn't hurting. But it's a moot point because I have no way of getting my hands on it.
I laughed earlier. My mom said I needed to see a doctor. I could hear the helpless frustration in her voice as she saw her daughter in tears and crippled with pain as her sons try to work the knots out of their sister's neck (didn't work but helped a little). I laughed because doctors don't do shit. I have very little respect for the medical profession. Because they wouldn't even prescribe me anti-inflammatories to help with the pain. They just told me to exercise and work through it, because all I need to do is lose weight. I had a doctor (before the fibro diagnosis) tell me that I was in this crippling pain because, wait for it... MY UNDERWEAR WAS TOO TIGHT. Yup. Chronic pain? You're just a fatass and need to wear bigger granny panties.
I don't know why I'm blogging. I just...I get so tired of being alone in my pain. Even when I have other fibro sufferers to commiserate matter what no one can sit in your pain with you. Your always alone, and if someone tries to come to your aid they just feel helpless. Sympathy and empathy are wonderful things, and it's nice to know people care, but... Pain is a lonely, solitary place and I am heartily sick of it.
As always, hope will get me through.
But it still sucks.

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