Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Monday, August 27, 2012

It gets better?

Periodically I start watching "It gets better" videos, because they are both uplifting and sad. Um, if you're not aware, the "It Gets Better" thing was started by Dan Savage (which is one of the reasons I respect the man, even if I'm not his biggest fan) in response to a rash of teen suicides by gay teens and teens who were perceived to be gay. It's powerful. People from all over the world, gay, straight, what-have-you, make these videos. They tell kids "Hold on. It gets better. Have hope and please stay alive." It's a powerful movement because it's not "just" celebrities. It's normal people. People from different countries, walks-of-life, ethnicities, orientations, and all different permutations of gender. All these strangers saying "Please stay on this planet." I've never been suicidal, but when I'm feeling depressed it helps me to know that there's a lot in the human race that is very worthwhile.
Then I get all depressed, because I would love to make a video but I don't know that I can. What am I going to say? "It gets better! I mean, you may end up closeted to your parents for the rest of your life, or they may ask you not to tell anyone, but it gets better!" I'm not exactly a shining example of how it gets better in that respect. I mean, heck, I was asexual in high school. I usually say "pretty much asexual", but the fact of the matter was that in my behaviour, reactions, and (lack of) attractions I *was* asexual. So what can I tell these kids about high school? I mean, high school sucked for me and I was bullied. But I was bullied because I was a nerd (the only people who realized I was a geek were geeks) and a reader. I wasn't a social person and I didn't date. I got called "gay" a lot, because my friends were girls and I wasn't logically that meant I was gay...because it's weird for a girl to be friends with other girls? :/ Anyways.
I feel for these kids, I do. So very much. But what can I say to them? "Yeah, I got called gay a lot in high school and I was bullied for being a nerd. Oh! And my conservative Christian father basically told me that he thought a butch lesbian was going to convert me to the dark side and abuse me. But it gets better! Y'know, except for marrying the first guy you ever kiss and developing an unhealthy and abusive relationship...then finding out you like girls...among other things." I mean, the liking girls thing wasn't bad, it was just a shock and has made the intervening years EVEN MORE awkward. Because now I'm confused by signals sent by ALL THE GENDERS. ;)
I still want to reach out to them. But what can I say? "Everybody says it gets better, and I don't know if they're right or not. But don't you owe it to yourself to find out?"

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