Oh good fucking grief

FUCK.
fucken fuckity fuck fuck.
*sigh*
Of course *this* would be the post to follow the "woohoo, we're fucking awesome!" post I just fucking wrote. Of course. Good fucking grief.
Gah.
So.
So I'm not working currently because YAY CRAZY. I'm able to go to school because of medication and an excellent disability services center (as well as supremely fortunate teacher choices). I applied for social security disability because I need to have money. I actually wanted to apply for the shorter term ssi but had a pension I couldn't touch at the time that put me over the resources limit. The pension finally cashed out, I went to apply for ssi. Thanks to fibro flares and summer weather, I am not entirely with it. Long story short I was told I had to reapply for ssd in order to apply for ssi. I had my phone interview today and apparently I'm now doing the court appeal for ssd. Which I don't think is what I was supposed to do.
Here's the thing (and I hate this about myself), while I am turning into a fairly confident person there are still some situations where...and this embarassing...I turn into a complete helpless female. I get so scattered and overwhelmed that I apparently inspire protective reactions and am immediately "managed" for my own good. Now, I will say that I have gotten MUCH better over the years, but with my crazy it's inevitable that I fall into that mode. It's embarrassing (BUT NOT SHAMEFUL).
The guy on the phone was even calling me kiddo and reassuring me. Which was sweet. But just made me feel like an IDIOT when I emerged from my "holyshitcrapfuckIdon'tknowwhattodo" fog. I hate feeling like this. The same thing always happens (and is part of why I'm not currently able to work :/ ), I start doing something or talking about something and my brain goes "clickclickcrap" and I start getting this little panic-y feeling. My brain keeps clicking and I get lost in what I'm saying or doing, I usually start rambling. At this point I could say *anything*, there's almost a disconnect between my brain and my mouth. Don't ask me anything that will hurt your feelings at this point, because my filter is non-existent. Even if you ask me a question, there's no guarantee that I'm going to really understand it and I may start rambling about something completely unrelated. It's a fog of panic (yay panic disorder!) that just reinforces itself. My friends just let me ramble and I'll usually pull myself out of it enough to stop talking (hours later). Some of my friends can even hold conversations with me in this mode (oddly enough I can usually remember what they've said even if I don't *entirely* remember what I've said).
So now, thanks to "clickclickcrap" I am apparently going to have a court date. Woo fucking hoo. Just what I fucking needed. *headdesk* Yay me.
FOR THE RECORD, I am not ashamed of this I'm just embarrassed and frustrated. Someday maybe it won't happen, but I don't really believe that. I'm just hoping that someday I'll be able to direct it well enough that I won't have people rescuing me for my own good. *sigh*.
The thing is, in the back of my mind I sometimes wonder if they're right that I need rescuing for my own good. I know that I have this aversion to being on any kind of government aid (thanks daddy!), and I know this aversion is just causing me to shoot myself in the foot. But I can't help it. My dad would always go on these little rants about the useless people on welfare and disability. HE would always know some exceptions to the rule, but it was clear that anyone who was on government aid was useless and lazy. He had to go on seasonal unemployment at one point and acknowledged that maybe God was trying to tell him something...but it didn't stop him from going on the same as ever.
I know I need money to live. I also know that if I do end up on any sort of government aid I'm going to need a payee because I...just do.
My mom just came in and now I've got HER all confused because we are apparently having two entirely different conversations when we talk. Yay! My crazy is contagious! *cheesy grin* *sarcastic double thumbs up*.
I'm just going to stop talking now. Well, for now ;).