Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Relationship Savant

I'm kind of like an idiot savant when it comes to relationships. Kind of. I am very dense about some things, though after many years I'm starting to get where after being hit upside the head with it I can recognize when someone is attracted to me (but not very often). However...once I am in whatever kind of relationship (friend, family, lover, framily) with a person I will get to know them very well. I don't know if it's because of the chemical imbalance in my brain or because of my unsettled childhood, but once I get to know someone...I understand them in some fundamental way. Based on their reactions, it's not "normal" (but in a good way). I think that I want to be understood so badly (particularly by myself) that I extend it to those I care about. I prove I care by doing the best I can to understand you.
Of course...this does not prevent me from being treated shittily (or behaving shittily myself (I *am* human after all)) and it probably contributes to my past doormat history. I think it also helped end my marriage. My ex would do something shitty/stupid/hurtful/whathaveyou and go "You don't understand!" at which point I would break down the exact thought processes and the actions that followed. I was almost always right. This was particularly irksome to him when he would make some selfish decision that benefited him and left me with the short end and I would break down exactly why it was a dick thing to do. I'd be right too.
I'm not sure if I'm cut out for romantic relationships. I can have very deep and meaningful relationships with people without getting caught up in the sex. Sex is nice, but not essential. Masturbation is quite sufficient. (TMI?). I've mentioned it time and again but I think this is why polyamory appeals to me. In poly I can have that emotional connection and not feel I'm cheating my partner out of sex. But....I dunno, I still feel like romantic relationships are more trouble than they're worth. I have "my" people and a future to work towards. I have friends to do things with. I don't feel particularly lonely. I feel less lonely now than I did when I was married.
In my dreams I sometimes end up dating someone...but y'know, even in my dreams I can't quite make it make sense to me. Heck, half the time I end up setting the dream person up with a dream friend and end up best man/maid of honor!
I'm just pondering these things lately and reading a lot of romance novels because of it ;). It's led me to the conclusion that if (and it's a big if) I do get seriously involved with someone in the future...I don't want to be the one doing all the understanding. Even if this mythical person doesn't completely understand me...I want them to be willing to TRY. Not for themselves, not for selfish motivations, but because they care about ME.

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