Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Monday, September 10, 2012

September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day

Trigger warning-because I'm talking about suicide and just talking about it can cause people to flashback. I would add to this trigger warning that I have never been suicidal. Also trigger warning for talking about selfharm. Also also, if I ever talk about something that doesn't have a trigger warning and should, please let me know.
I've never been suicidal. Weird, right? But it's true. I may lose track of my hope periodically, but I've never wanted to not exist anymore. I've wanted to disappear from where I currently am, but I've always had the desire to reappear elsewhere. I don't know why. I mean, I put the start of my self-harm tendencies at second grade (ish, about, i think) because that's when I started biting myself. Hey, I never made any claim normalcy. But yeah, I've been dealing with mental illness and self-harm since I was just a wee thing. I just...never felt suicidal.
There's no eloquent or elegant way for me to say it. There's also no way for me to truly understand why someone else would be suicidal. I've had a few friends that were. A few who came awfully close to ending it too. I never know what to say, so I just say what's in my heart. It's never a prepackaged thing, it's just how I feel. So I'm going to do that today too for all the people I don't know.
I can't understand what it is to feel the way you do, because I never have. I wish I could just so you would feel less alone. I mean, you're not alone, obviously. So many more people have contemplated suicide than have done it (I think), so...yeah. But that's not the same as having someone you know say "I understand. I've been there." I wish I could be that person for you, but I can't. I can, however, tell you that I understand that you think this is a valid reaction to feel right in this moment. That I can understand to a certain degree. I can tell you that if you do decide to end it I won't go around saying what a shitty person you were for ending it, nor will I judge those in your life who "should have seen it coming". Because I understand that sometimes you are so stuck in a moment that you can't see beyond it, and I understand how hard it is to see what another person is pondering. So I won't judge you and I won't judge your loved ones, NO MATTER WHAT YOUR DECISION. But please, don't listen to that little voice that says the world would be better off without you. That voice is on crack. Like, seriously. Crack and meth and LSD and...other drugs? I don't know a lot about drugs. Suffice to say, the voice doesn't know what it's talking about. If you leave the world, you leave it a poorer version of itself, one lacking that unique sparkle of monkey dust that is you. Sparkly monkey dust. Sparkly monkey dust that can see into things the way no one else can. Because you are a unique fucking snowflake. There has never been a person exactly like you, and there never will be. YOU are the spice of life. I may not know you, but the ripples of your existence have undoubtedly reached me so my world would be sadder without you in it. And if I do know you...well, you know me, and that means a lot.
Please, don't be afraid to talk to someone. A stranger, a hotline, a trusted friend, a family member, a representative of a religion you're not a member of, or a representative of a religion you ARE a member of. Someone. Because you are too special not to.

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