Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Friday, July 20, 2012


So the weekends this summer have been spent with my new international student friends (and unofficially adopted siblings ;) ). It has been super fun. I am currently doing what I didn't do during my teens, getting out and DOING. It makes me happy, it makes them happy, and we're making some really awesome memories.
Both of them are shutterbugs, and I've really been enjoying being able to share with my other friends through these picture albums. But...Something kind of weird just happened. Usually I just skim through the pics, share a couple, maybe choose a new profile pic, but tonight I kept (kinda obsessively) going through the pictures of me, over and over. As I went through the pictures I kept gradually losing my connection to the person in them. Until...I was staring at this picture of myself and there was this strange disconnect and it was like I was looking at a picture of a stranger. I mean, intellectually I knew that I was looking at a picture of myself, and it was a picture (thanks to the random, weird, obsessive impulse) I'd already looked at a few times. But...I don't know, it was the weird sensation of "she". Looking at the picture and going "Wow, she looks really fun and happy" and then this realization that I was looking at myself. Followed by the realization that I have forgotten to take my meds for the last few days *sigh*.
I couldn't say if this is a normal thing for me. I'm not one of those people who has tons of pictures taken of themselves, so maybe this is a normal (ha!) crazytown moment and I just don't realize it because there were too few pictures of me in the past to elicit this reaction. And too few happy pictures of me. If you were to go on my Facebook you would see that there are more pictures of me in the last six months than the last three years. I'm also happier in the new slew of pics.
I don't feel depressed, I don't feel all that anxious, I just feel...I don't know how to describe it.
In any case I plan on having MORE happy pictures of me taken tomorrow. In the months and years to come I plan on continuing to be this happy. As my friend Tessa said, divorce looks good on me ;)

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