Cole Porter

I am a huge Cole Porter fan. I less than three Cole Porter. Completely. Listening to Cole Porter songs is a guaranteed mood elevator for me. It's not just the lyrics, it's the music and lyrics working together so perfectly. Whenever I listen to Cole Porter music (as sung by pretty much anyone, but particularly if sung by him) I feel this odd...connection. His lyrics and music just have a direct line to my heart and make it sigh with relief and relaxation.
Hmm...Maybe I should make a Cole Porter song my next project. I mean, it's going to take awhile to learn Korean and write a song ;). I like teaching myself songs, because singing makes me happy. I don't need someone to hear me, in fact it tends to make me self-conscious. I just love the sensation of singing. It's like...hmmm...Well, when I describe how speaking Russian in class was for me, I liken it to cotton candy. It's fun to roll through my mouth and dissipates off my tongue leaving a pleasant sensation. Singing is like hot chocolate, it warms the cockles of me heart ;).
Hmm...perhaps I should embarass myself. Why not?

This is the song I know best in the world :). My grandpa used to sing it to me when I was a kid, well, he sang it to all of us and I think every one of the grandkids can probably still sing it from memory. I recorded this...I'm not sure, maybe a year ago? something like that. And for no particular reason. Cuz that's how I roll ;)

Again

Head. Desk. Head. Desk. Head. Desk.
Dear God why am I still awake?! I really am honestly tired. Really I am. Body, you've been telling me for hours before bedtime that you wanted to sleep, but *now* you decide you don't want to...while still complaining that you're tired? Brain...did you and Body have another fight? Because I've gotta say, I really don't like being put in the middle when you do. I really don't feel I can give you guys balanced mediation when you fuck me over like this. Seriously. You guys need to work through your problems, and leave me out of it. Saaaay...what if, and this is just a crazy idea I had, what if you guys let me sleep then hashed things out? It would be win-win! ...No? Fuck you.

Fantasy World

Yeah, I live in a fantasy world sometimes, but at least I'm not lost in one :). I understand that it is fantasy and that it won't ever happen. I really do. But when I'm faced with the idea of going on disability, and the realization that I may never be able to do what I want  to do...Fantasy land is my lifesaver. It helps me hold on to my dreams when I feel myself fragmenting. If I couldn't lose myself in fantasy land I don't know what I'd do. Probably give up entirely. So I keep my fantasy world healthy and thriving. :)
My fantasy world varies a lot. Sometimes it's me traveling the world as a nomadic scholar. It's been as simple as being essentially the governess for a well-off family in Korea (or Japan or ...). Whatever it is, even in my fantasy world I may not have conquered all my problems, but I've figured out how to work around them. In my fantasy world I can go out dancing with my friends and not have to worry about a panic attack. Rarely am I in the Puget Sound in my fantasy world, but sometimes I am. Usually I've found a place to belong. The most plausible has me in Arizona with Tom & Wendy.
Currently I've fallen back on an old one. See, I like Kdramas. A lot. From when I used to call them "Korean soaps" and watched them in utter ignorance of the language I've like them. And of the creators, the Hong Sisters have become my favourites. They're quirky and tell a good story. So in my fantasy world I'm living in a Hong Sisters drama. Not an existing one, one in my own mind. And I am *NOT* the lead, thankyouverymuch. I am the plucky, kickass sidekick! ;) I don't mean I daydream about being a famous actor in Korea (kind of impossible considering their exacting beauty ideals!), my daydream is the drama itself. The unfolding story and my part in it. It's definitely not a real life story, considering it involves an accidental gay marriage! But it's fun and it comforts my spirit.
I have set myself a funny little goal, and while it sounds like fantasy world fodder, it is a real goal. Truly. I want to learn Korean well enough to write a song I have in my head. I'll have to gain some real music knowledge as well (I don't know the keys or how to read music, my dad just used to teach me songs by ear) in order to make it happen. I'm lucky enough that I have friends who can help me, both in willingness and ability. So, as they say, Fighting! I may have a lot more in my fantasy world(s) than in real life, but this little thing, this I'm claiming. This is going to happen in my real life and when it does I'm going to post it on youtube. No matter how horrendous my accent is, or how hokey the song might end up, I'm going to post it for the world to see. Because while I can be courageous in many ways, I need to learn how to open myself up more to the world at large. Yeah, I do come up with weird ways to do so, but the point is that I am *always* striving. I will continue to strive, and that is one of the things that makes me ME and extraordinary :).
I'm gonna do Auntie Mame proud ;).

Day 30

Last day of the photo challenge :). Day 30 is a picture that makes you smile.

That's me, I'm not sure how old I was. Somewhere around four would be my guess. When I'm feeling down I can look at that picture and remember who I am. Even though I have multiple disorders, it doesn't matter. This picture is who I am. I delight in the trivial because that's where joy is found. I am happy in this picture and that makes me smile. Because even though I may have depression, it does not define who I am. Even if I have anxiety, phobias and maybe a touch of agoraphobia, that does not limit me. I am more than than the sum of my parts. I am unique, beautiful, courageous, articulate, silly, joyous, strong and completely imperfect. Why shouldn't I take joy in that? My shoes may come untied, I may be absentminded, I may be irritatingly hyper at times, but I am perfect in my imperfections. And you know what else? If you're lucky enough to be someone who can accept the whole messed up package, I am the best friend you will ever have. I will laugh, cry, fight, dance or even die for you, if you're willing to love and accept me for who and what I really am.
Trust me, I'm worth it.

Day 29

Day 29 is a picture of someone you miss. This was an easy one for me.

These are my friends Tom and Wendy and I miss them so much! Tom was stationed in Arizona so they had to move away. They actually wanted/want me to move there with them, but, well, things didn't work out that way. When I met them at a friend's movie night it was like...meeting the dearest of friends after a long time apart. We just clicked, and now it's hard to imagine my life without them in it :). I'm usually an out of sight, out of mind kind of girl. But Tom and Wendy are always in my heart even though we're far apart :). I miss them SOOOO much :(.

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

Friend posted her results, so I decided to take it. I understand why they don't have any options for no sexual feelings and such, but I think it skews my results a bit.

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 3.71

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:


0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this exercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorise, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz on Young Southampton

Day 28

Day 28 is a picture of you with a family member

That's me and my grandma :). Yes, the mean but funny one.