Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Pondering crazy

My crazy swells and falls, waxes and wanes. It's a constant part of my thoughts, mind, soul, identity. It's an integral part of how I interact with the world around me, for both good and ill. My crazy allows me to experience life in a unique fashion that only my fellow crazies can hope to comprehend. But even my fellow crazies cannot fully understand what it means to me. The ecstasy of being is incomprehensible, unknowable, infinite, awe inspiring, beyond words, beyond thought, beyond reason, even were we able to exchange thoughts I would not be able to fully convey it. Because it Every moment of my life, every breath, it is all...imperfect perfection. It's not easy, it is in fact very hard (that's what she said). But how would I trade it for a stunted way of living? For that's what normality would be for me, barren. I've only ever lived in this state of bizarrity, of otherness, if I were to suddenly be sane my world would be empty. The universes inside my mind create a pleasing border that encompasses the world around me. Others hear me speak of snippets of experience, and perhaps it's bad, unsettling, panic inducing at the time, but when they express sympathy...When they express sympathy I have to admit that, in my heart of hearts, the depths of my mind, all that goes through it is "You feel sorry for me? Oh, sweetie, you don't know what life is until you've embraced it fully because you don't know what the next moment may bring!" Yes, sometimes my brain thinks it's being chased by zombies, or serial killers, or evil of one stripe or another. And yes, that can be frightening. Extremely. But in the midst of those moments I can laugh at the insanity of my own brain, and when the crazy passes I take a breath of the most invigorating air, figurative or otherwise, that can be experienced. Adrenaline junkies might have a chance of understanding me, or poets who glimpse the divine. But all I can tell you is that even in the midst of panic, anxiety, depression, I know that my moment of bliss is coming. I know that I will wake up one morning, blink, and realize that the bad has subsided and I will breathe deeply, freely, joyfully...and I will live so completely in that moment that I will experience heaven.
Never pity me, even though I often pity you.


  1. Me too. Exactly. It's not always easy being this way, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

  2. I have had this precise epiphany, darling. Those moments of rapture - they make it worthwhile.

    1. It's not necessarily moments of "rapture" for me, it's...I don't know...a better appreciation for the beauty of the ordinary?