Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Monday, August 5, 2013


Someone I know died yesterday. She was 36. I don't know if I would say we were really close friends, but we were comfortable talking to each other about most anything. I was there to cheer her up through divorce, custody battle, and just life in general. And she always made me smile. We shared a pretty awesome taste in friends. We were Whovians together, and whenever I saw a cute Tardis dress I'd send her link. I don't know who I'll send it to now.
I got to go to her wedding. It wasn't the official ceremony, that had happened awhile before. But this was her grand shindig wedding. It was Doctor Who themed and I took my two closest international student friends with me. We helped set up. I helped her mother-in-law maker her bouquet. I suggested making a bouquet for her husband, and that ended up happening. When it came to the pertinent part of the ceremony I joined in with everyone else "Mawwiage...Mawwiage is what bwings us togethwa today..."
She never found out who the Twelfth Doctor was, and that makes me sad. I think the fact that he played the Angel Islington in Neverwhere would have made her giggle. I never got to have that conversation with her. I'll never send her another dirty meme, or pretty dress, or geeky song. I'll never cheer for her when something awesome happens. I'll never be able to tell her I miss her again.
I don't know if we'd be called close friends, but we were GOOD friends.
I am far from the only person feeling this loss. You'd have to have known her to understand. She was just...light in the darkness. No matter how low she got, she would always fight her way back to the light. She'd often credit her friends for her success, but so much of it was just her. She had this grin that just sucked you in, a mischievous spirit that just made you want to cause trouble with her, a joie de vivre that was just captivating. Knowing she was in the world made it a better place.
I feel like I should be more like her now. I mean, in some ways we were a lot alike, that's why we got along. But...I lack her willingness to take chances on people romantically. I lack her ability to accept that kind of love. It scares me. It would take a whole lot of therapy to get me even halfway there. So I guess that's motivation. I can never be her, but I can embrace and accept more fully the things that we shared. I can learn to be more confident by remembering her delight in herself. Perhaps I can follow her example in health. I can use her as the impetus to FOCUS more on getting fit. I don't know. I just feel like...I just feel like I want to do something to make her presence remain.

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