Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Thursday, June 27, 2013


Sometimes I'll just be sitting there (wherever there may be) and I find myself bewildered by myself. Because, see, I care very deeply for my friends but at the same time I often feel very detached from them. I'm sure it's the crazysauce, but it's still a really weird sensation. I love my friends deeply and with great dedication, but there come random times where I could walk away without a thought. weird to me.
While I know this is crazysauce, it's still bewildering. How can I care so much for someone that I would take a bullet for them and at the same time so easily walk away? I think about people who are no longer in my life, but it's kind of like...out of sight, out of mind. When I think about my ex (which is not all that frequent) I don't really care about him. I'm not happy with the way I was treated, but I...just don't care. I don't wish him ill (unless I'm really cranky ;) ), I just...don't care. Don't they say the opposite of love is indifference? I guess that's true.
I guess that's true of friend-love as well too. It bothered my ex that I could so thoroughly lose people from my life. Is it strange to reach the point of "no more" and walk away without a second thought? Most of the time I don't think so, partially because I will stay dedicated to someone faaaaaaaaaaaaaar past the point I should (and I'm not just referring to my ex-husband). But when I get these moments where I feel so incredibly detached from my life...well...the moments in question are strange enough that even while I'm experiencing them I question them. I also question anything that resembles them. Like my ability to wipe someone from my life.
I don't know. I'm tired, not feeling great, and yet again bewildered by my bizarro emotions. Definitely need to see about therapy if I can get all this finaid stuff sorted. I just need an impartial source to tell me what's healthy and what's not :/.

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