Realisation

I have apparently developed a serious discomfort with heterosexual males that I don't know well. It seems that any guy I met before the mysterious point at which that happened is totally okay. But any after and I'm skittish and uncomfortable. So far as why this has happened, I don't know. It's a chicken and egg argument. Have I become more uncomfortable with the heterosexual male because I'm hanging out mostly with girls or non-heterosexual males or am I hanging out with girls and non-heterosexual males because heterosexual males are making me uncomfortable? Soon I will hopefully be able to test and see if it's ALL heterosexual males or just YOUNG heterosexual males.
It's been an odd realisation, as this is not something I've had the greatest problem with in the past. I mean, I've often been an "one of the guys" girl. Some of the best friends I have had were heterosexual males. I'm the one who always calls bullshit when people say that a woman can't be friends with a heterosexual male. THEY'RE PEOPLE JUST LIKE US.
God...I have no idea where that last bit came from. Forgive me.
It was REALLY strange to realize that. I just keep coming up with these realisations and I'm honestly too stressed to deal with them. My mind is turtling lately because of stress, I DO NOT NEED ADDED SELF-REALIZATIONS.
I have to wonder if this discomfort is temporary. I mean, if it is temporary and recent (as in, the reason I didn't realize it before was because it didn't exist) I can think of what caused it. And when removed from that cause I could hope for it to disappear. Because I need it to disappear if I want to be able to play Shadowrun again. I can't just AVOID straight guys, particularly not in the kinda insular gaming community. I enjoy being part of the community when I'm in a position to do so. I enjoy hanging out with straight guys. I don't want to lose that because of stupid brain-chemistry stuff.
There are two reasons I can think of that I'm feeling like this. One is that recently I have been put into the middle of some heterosexual "feelings" drama(s). If that's the reason, then I'm thinking this is a temporary thing brought on by the stress of dealing with it. A temporary thing that will go away. The other reason...is going to require a lot more work.
The other reason is another realization I had not too long ago. One that I sort of already knew, but hadn't really pondered the consequences of dealing with. I mean...I knew about it, but hadn't really thought through how it was going to effect me. So, big reveal coupled with trigger warning. If you've ever been sexually assaulted or abused in any way READ NO FURTHER if you can't handle the topic.
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A couple of months after my marriage my now ex-husband celebrated his 21st birthday by getting drunker than I have EVER seen him. To the very best of my knowledge he has no clear memory of that evening. He sexually assaulted me. I said no. A bunch. He had sex with me. At no point did I give consent. After he started, I clenched my fists and tried to dissociate myself from what was happening to me. I had never thought something like that COULD happen to me. A year or two later when we finally talked about it (I had told him something happened, but never the details) he got very angry with my having ever dared say he forced me. Because apparently I could have stopped him. He was always bigger and stronger than me, which we both knew was why I was attracted to him, but somehow I could have physically stopped him. I stayed married to him for seven years. I let him convince me that it wasn't REAL rape. I can even understand why he did it, I mean...what man wants to think of himself as a rapist? Particularly when it concerns a woman he loves. But in his ignorant youth he did us both a great GREAT disservice. One that he no longer has to deal with. But I do.
The fact is that I cannot know if my unique sex drive is a simple matter of brain chemistry or one of emotional scarring. Another fact is that a romantic relationship is almost ALWAYS going to be one about sex. Which brings me to the fact the third: I cannot in good conscience have a romantic relationship until I deal with this shit. And fact the fourth: While I LOVE women and find them beautiful and attractive, I cannot A) know that I'm not going to have the same issues with sex and B) do women in general the disservice of dating them because I can't emotionally handle dating a man. That would be a bullshit thing to do, so I'm not doing it.
This has been a really bad time for these kinds of realizations. I'm applying to university. I KEEP getting sick and am falling behind in my homework. I have love drama happening all around me. I have the stress of living with a family that has an issue with an integral part of who I am. I'm glad that I came to these realizations, I just wish that the timing had been better. I also really wish I had a cuddle buddy handy, because I could use the comfort of being held by someone who loves me enough to cuddle without the expectation of sex. I could really use that right now.