GAH.

I love my brother. I love my brother. I love my brother. No, really, I love my brother. Pay no attention to my hands around his neck, I LOVE my fucking jackass of a brother.
I really do love him, and when we get along we get along really well. When we don't get along...Well, it's usually his fault. You can ask my mom if you don't believe me. Just tonight we watched Freedom Writers which was all feel good and I cried (yeah, I'm that girl, and yes, I cry during poignant scenes in action movies too thankyouverymuch). Through a series of conversational threads that I shall not recount because...I don't really feel like it. ANYWAYS. Through a series of conversational threads that I shall not recount, I mentioned to my mother that the roast beef was moldy and since I didn't know what she wanted done with it I put it back in the fridge. I'd meant to tell her when she got home, but forgot until that moment. Now...we keep the lunch meats in tupperware containers so that we can have smaller portions out at a time and freeze the rest. This is not a new phenomenon, we've been doing it for a long time. My brother starts going OFF on me about how I shouldn't have put it in the fridge because now everything in the fridge is going to mold. He starts lecturing me and criticizing me about putting a sealed container back in the fridge. Have I mentioned that my brother has been through all kinds of counseling and seen all sorts of child psychologist specialists? And that he refuses to take medication because there's nothing wrong with him? It's everyone else you see!
So he's being a critical asshole. I ignore him and start talking to my mother about an acquaintance who always wants my brother to come over to do chores for her. I find the woman incredibly annoying, but it's his business so whatever. This time one of things she needs is for him to dig a hole. SERIOUSLY?! She's more able bodied than I am, and I can damn well dig a hole. I admit it, I started mocking her. My brother says she just doesn't do well with practicalities. I say "No, she's just DUMB". He made some diplomatic statement and I laughed and said this was why I would never be a diplomat. My mom laughed with me, at which point my brother starts lecturing me about being less critical. I think my job dropped. My mom's face was a sight to see as well. I just said "Yeah, well, it begins at home buddy".
I freely admit, the snark is strong in this one. I am a very critical person, but I try to turn that into a positive by directing it towards myself most of the time to facilitate self-improvement. The rest of the time I snark to the friends who find it hilarious. No one gets hurt and I don't wallow in my critical nature. The thing is...Hypocrisy bugs me. My brother is one of the biggest hypocrites on the planet, and he's blind to his every fault. I love my brother much better at a distance when I can't catch him lecturing my mother in a completely disrespectful and condescending manner. I do fun things with my brother. We love each other. But if we weren't family I would have nothing to do with the little self-righteous, ignorant, condescending douchebag. But this is the same little douchebag who gave up his room with very little complaint when his big sister's life imploded. So. Family. What are you gonna do? In my case, move far, far away and smile as I think about how nice it will be to miss him.

Today

Today is a pretty good day :). This might have something to do with the fact that I have the house to myself, but I also think having my meds helps! I should be doing chores, but I'm enjoying acoustic covers on youtube, Korean Gender reader on The Grand Narrative, and having a nice interaction with a game developer (who has gained even more respect with me). I need to get up and get stuff done, but right now I'm just reveling. I'm reveling in barely hurting, pain free doesn't really happen but I'm as close I get right now (and without liver-killing pain killers!). I'm reveling in not worrying. I'm reveling in relaxation. I'm reveling in sleepy, cuddly, fluffy pets. I'm reveling in being content. I'm reveling in having nothing major on my mind. I'm reveling in every little moment of NOTHING. Fantastic. :)

Still here

Yeah, it's still this time. Remember to substitute crazy for funky to properly sing this song then rock on out. I know I am....
Music and humour are two of my most successful coping mechanisms. Combine them and you've got GOLD. Also, a friend of mine just im'ed me to say "I wonder what Batman's carbon footprint is?" Can I just say that I love my friends?
I'm doing a little bit better. My older little brother has been working, so I'm being left in peace. It's funny, my mom doesn't think she understands my mental illness (and she can, in fact, really stick her foot in it at times) but she's honestly the best when it comes to knowing how to deal with me. Maybe it's because she's not a very snuggly person, so she respects my periodic need for solitude. She also runs interference and gets people to leave me alone. She wants me to get out and do more, but she respects the fact that I know better than she does what I am capable of. If only she didn't think I was going to hell *sigh*.
My dad thinks my mental illness is just demonic attack. Just. I have a really skewed worldview I think. Anyways, I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but he does. If I had faith and didn't allow the demons in through my actions (reading fantasy novels, going to ren faires, summoning satan by listening to heavy metal, y'know) I wouldn't have these problems! Never mind the fact that I have had them my entire life and that when I was in second grade he was trying to have conversations about self-mutilation and suicide with me. Oy. Oh, yes, they were (and are) valid concerns. The only reason I've never cut is because I can't stand the sight of my own blood. Never stopped me from hurting myself in other ways, but that's why I have so few scars today. Yes, I started around second grade. You know, before I had been exposed to anything other than the wholesome science fiction my dad watched with me. Like Red Dwarf. Is that a hint of sarcasm we detect? Nawwwww, couldn't be!
It's funny, the things about me my dad doesn't like are the things he instilled in me. The fact that I can respect authority without trusting it. The fact that I question everything. The fact that I try not to judge people (which in fact has led me to excuse people far longer than I should have). The fact that I have friends from every walk of life and love them all. You know, like the friggin' Bible says to? I don't merely accept authority without question, because my dad taught me that was bad. But I'm still supposed to accept HIS authority without question.
I don't really have a lot to say. Well, that's not true, I have a lot to say, but this is turning rambly so

It's like this...

Depression is not easy to manage, but if I can stay on top things I do. Manage that is. But if I slip up at the wrong moment I can end up in a depressive slump. So I've slipped up. I called in my refill, but it won't be ready for a day or two, and even when it is...Once a slump has been hit, medication can't just pull me out. It has to run its stupid fucking course and I've got to fight to get on an even keel. I can fake it for a few moments, that I'm okay. I can fake it for a whole day. But anything more than that. Bah. These are the times I have to be careful with alcohol. I have to be really fucking careful. Because that's a far too easy form of self-medication. The rest of the time I can indulge and it's fine. If my anxiety is acting up, I can drink alcohol. But when it's my depression? Baaaaad idea. With or without medication. I'm a happy drunk you see, and alcohol is a mood booster, so when I'm feeling like this it's really REALLY hard not to drink to excess. So I can't drink anything. Even though, no PARTICULARLY because, it makes me feel better. I don't want to become an alcoholic of any stripe, and when I'm depressed...binge drinking is scary easy.
I was really enjoying watching this older Kdrama I finally found, but now I'm going to have to put it on hold. Why? Because the very emotional stories that I love so much can make me a rollercoaster when I'm feeling like this. I'm going to be bad and finish this book I'm reading because A) it's really good and B) I want to know what happens. With the kdrama, I know it's going to have a happy ending, but I can't watch through all the "drama" that gets us there. So...I'll be watching a lot of guy movies probably, and reading less emotional fare.
If anyone ever reads this who has friends who suffer from any sort of depression, a few tips. First, offering help can be a good thing. I know it makes me feel like I have a place in the world even when my depression argues. However, if I don't want help I just need the person offering to fucking accept it and let me be. There are exceptions to this rule, but...I know that when I'm depressed I have a hard enough time with self-respect, so when someone won't respect my wishes it bothers me. Second, please please please dear LORD please, don't take it personally if the person you know wants to be left alone. It's hard enough dealing with this shit by myself, people who have no clue (through no fault of their own!) just make me feel worse. I have a few people I talk to about this shit and they ALL suffer from it too. Well-meaning people and their sympathy are great, but they need to back the fuck off sometimes. Third, little things are important. If the person you know doesn't feel comfortable having you around during this period, just message them in some way so they know they aren't forgotten. Does your friend like hot chocolate? Swing by their house to drop some off and linger no more than is necessary. Does your friend like a band? Find a youtube video they might not have seen and send it to them. If they're a local band, go and film them for your friend (after getting permission of course). These things that may seem minor to you help someone like me keep a connection to the world when I have to cut myself off from it so I can regain my equilibrium.
Lastly, when your friend is starting to emerge, wants to socialize again, welcome them with open arms. Tell them how much you missed them. However, don't expect them to be able to leap back into things straight out. If you want to invite them out to do things, make sure they are things you can leave early from, just in case. You may not be a person who can truly understand what if feels like to be this way, but if you can let us know that you care ANYWAYS and that you respect us...It makes a huge difference. You have no idea.

D'oh

So I've been having a pretty good time of it recently. Then today, abruptly, I started feeling really down and hopeless. I sunk into that for most of the morning before my brain said "Wait a minute...where the fuck did this come from?" Oh yeah, I've forgotten to take my anti-depressants for the last 3 days *facepalm* and, oh look!, I also kept forgetting to call in my refill so I only have 2 left! Gifted, ladies and gentlemen, that's me. Just plain...gifted.
It's really silly for me to feel down right now, particularly since I just got my grades for this last quarter. 4.0 across the board. Yesssss. So feeling down about my prospects and future was kind of a red flag. I mean, I'm doing what I set out to do, which is to excel so that I can get into the program I want. So why would I suddenly start feeling like "I'm never going to be able to do this. Even if I do get my degree I'm going to end up remaining a jobless loser."? Because my brain HATES me, that's why!
I know a few of the triggers behind it though. It's because now that I'm pursuing something (linguistics) just because it interests me and not because I have a solid plan (Library Science->college librarian) my brain is scrambling for a plan. I can definitely justify linguistics as a degree, there are a lot of career paths it can help me in as well as aiding me in my desire to become a polyglot. However, I don't have a solid plan for my future. In the past I've had plans that never came to fruition (and we will not go into why because I am focusing on me and my future, not how I got screwed over in the past), but I've always had *plans*. Now I'm kind of going a completely different route. I've got a few firm plans, and I'm making sure that they're solid with a backup, but I don't have everything all mapped out. This is really hard for my brain to handle. In an attempt to help my brain, I started trying to plan a *possible* future path....yeah, that backfired.
So I emailed a blogger I follow about teaching overseas. I tried to be very clear in my questions but, as usual, I was misunderstood. I still received some valuable input, but at the same time...It bothered me. The questions he understood me to have asked were dismissed because he felt they'd been answered elsewhere. I went back and reread my questions. It was pretty obvious what he thought I was saying and I felt like a fool for not communicating better. But he still gave me some valuable input, and he is a busy family man, so I didn't clarify. It killed me not to. I hate being misunderstood, I hate not communicating in a fashion that others can easily understand, and I hate that my teachers and friends identify me as a good communicator when I'm obviously not. I can usually clarify things so that I'm understood, but it's really hard for me to let it go. So I will keep clarifying, over and over, until I feel I am understood.
It's really hard to let that go. It's really hard not to email this guy and clarify my questions up the wazoo. My brain dwells on this saying "Now he's going to think I'm just lazy and didn't read other blogs to find these things out. Good grief, I sound like a friggin' moron, a friggin' LAZY moron." This is just stupid. Because he was really nice and relatively helpful. He doesn't know me from Adam and he still took time out of his very busy life to respond and I'm being all butthurt that he misunderstood me. It happens all the time, and I just can't get used to it. Every time it happens I flagellate myself for being a moron and start resenting the person who misunderstood me even though that makes NO sense. It's NOT a new sensation, it's normal. I know this. So why do I let myself get sucked in? Because my brain fucking HATES me, that's why.
Bah. I think I need some alcohol. No...that's not right, it's not alcohol I need, but time with my friends letting loose. Unfortunately crazysauce ensures that I'm not going to be able to for a little while.
Man, if my crazy were a person I would beat the shit out of them.

Lavendar Marriage Redux

That may not be the right word, but oh well.
So, following links from one of my favourite blogs I ran across this gem http://uber-facts.com/2012/05/02/16-million-chinese-women-married-to-men-who-like-men/ . This is why lavendar marriage makes me a little sad. Because this man seems to think it's the most reasonable solution. The thing is...I can't really disagree with him considering the cultural background he's coming from.

Insomnia...ish.

So it's almost two am and I am still awake. I'm pretty coherent too...I think. Of course, I might thing that even if I weren't. That has been known to happen. So just in case I'm going to add the relevant tag. There we go.
So was chatting with a fb friend (who's a RL Friend of a RL Friend...because I've been having that conversation of knowing "real" people on fb and how I don't have any friends in real life because I have too many fb friends...apparently. I found the whole conversation kind of confusing, I'll be honest.) when my head created a conversation that never happened. It's good at those. I wish those conversations would actually happen one of those times, because my brain makes me as articulate as SHIT...wait...that sounded wrong...I meant to imply fantastically articulate...Okay, I guess the relevant tag may indeed be relevant. BUT I DIGRESS. Conversation. That never happened.
I know why people like me. I know why people want to be friends with me. It's because I make them feel good. I don't deliberately try to, it just kind of...happens. People always find things I say amusing (even if I...no, particularly if I don't understand why my comments were hilarious) and often tell me that I brighten their day. I'm cool with that. I dig. I'm hep. I'm happy that I can make other people happy. Good friends are people who return the favour. Who brighten *my* day and make me feel giddyhappy by their very existence. Good Friends are fantastic people who take joy in my joy, creating an infinite circle of "Holy shit, this chick must be on drugs". Well...okay, I kind of do that on my own. One of the very few benefits of wonky brain chemistry. What I'm TRYING to say is that people like me because I make them smile, and I like people who make me smile. People who only hang around as long as I make them feel good, then hit the road when I need some cheering up myself are sucktastick DouchNozzle CockNoggins who have the outright gall to try and claim they're my friend. Clue: You're not a friend, you're a fucking parasite.
I'm so glad that I don't currently have many parasites in my life. I have some truly fantastic friends.
Also, I love them even if they do sing along with that godawful Bieber song when it comes on in the mall...and even when they ask for a ride to the mall and then we're there for THREE AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS. My mom can't say I didn't get my carido today! I went from one end to the other of that mall. I think my girl genes are faulty because I friggin' HATE shopping.
Fighting!
Oh, and if y'all are people and not bots...blink twice for Real and five times for "I'm going to leave a comment because I"m afraid of you"
hehehe. Oh yeah, that tag is *definitely* relevant.
Also, racist douchebags can suck my nonexistent cock. Don't ever think you can harass a woman wearing a hijab in front of me. I am watching and I will FUCK YOU UP. Verbally, physically, legally, or through sheer confusion. If you fuck with a woman because you think she's an easy fucking target THINK AGAIN. I am a loud bitch with a high pain threshhold. Fear me you fucking bigots!
Oh, apparently I need another little tag. I should put a language warning on the top of my blog...