Living in the dark

I haven't updated in forever, mostly just...trying not to be super negative and thus ignoring a lot of my problems. I've moved into my new place now, away from the roommates. So that's one less stressor, however...I was already on my way to the depths when that happened a few weeks ago, so...It helped, but I'm still there.
Sometimes all the coping mechanisms in the world, all the positive thinking, all the attained goals, everything that can be used to stave off that inevitable darkness, just doesn't work. So I found myself there again, and it...wasn't great. My new job is incompatible with my crazy so far, apparently. It sets everything off and right now I have no idea how I'm going to be able to attend school and work and succeed at both. Yeah, it's that bad. Personal hygiene? Holding by tmyhe skin of my teeth, but still struggling. Keeping my house clean? Well...it's better than it was in similar situations in the past, but I wouldn't want anybody over. It got bad.
I have this thing about bugs and always have. I think they're really cool...as long as they're outside and nowhere near me. I've had waking nightmares (bordering on hallucinations) about bugs ever since I was kid. This was reinforced by living in a few places with bug issues. Now I live in an area with big bugs. And one was in my house. Based on stuff I looked up online, the bug I killed was an American Roach. I went off the deep end a little, though my friends talked me down online. Best brother ever. I was seeing and feeling bugs that weren't there. When I'd look closer I'd know they weren't there, wouldn't see anything, but the smallest piece of lint could explode in my mind's eye into...an infestation of bed bugs.
Sometimes bearing the weight of it all is the hardest thing on earth. I am so afraid of not being able to follow my dreams. I spent so long not even admitting I *had* dreams. Then I dismissed them as impractical, and went after something doable that at least wouldn't make me miserable. Finally I pursued them and discovered...I can have them. I am not a person whose dreams outstrip their abilities. But...having to battle back the dreck of my insanities every day so that I can have a paycheck that just barely covers my needs at this point...it's exhausting and disheartening.
But I keep on keeping on, as they say. I don't know what else to do. I'm holed up in my apartment most of the time. I'm starting to emerge in my head a bit, but interacting with other human beings face to face is an issue. Times like these I really wish I could win the lottery (lottery tickets are one of my coping mechanisms, actually. It tricks my crazy into thinking I can quit my job and thus gives me less grief about it) and just...get healthy. Go to doctors between now and fall semester, get dental work done (I have wisdom teeth rotting in my skull), physical therapy, regular therapy, and just...yeah. Have the time, money, and leisure to just get myself in a better place.
In the meantime I just soldier on, with my wonderful cheerleaders reminding me that I can, indeed, do it. The friends who say "AJA AJA FIGHTING" in spite of never watching the kdramas I got the phrase from. The friends who know to say "HWAITING" who have recommended more dramas to me. The friends who let me go silly on them, but can handle it when I become the angsty wonder. I love my friends, because I wouldn't be able to sustain a job that keeps a roof over my head without them.
And now I'm emerging a bit. I'm writing for myself for the first time in...months. I finally am working again on a project I started weeks ago. I'm hoping I'll be able to start reading more again (yes, that is how bad it's gotten. I couldn't READ). So hope remains, and keep your fingers crossed for me.

Oh the places your brain will go

My fundraiser ( https://fundrazr.com/stories/d4mRzc ) has been distressingly disappointing. If it weren't for the girlfriend of a friend I would be screwed. Thankfully, in spite of a lack of money or caring (guess which one the crazysauce tends towards thinking it is?) I have still got the most expensive part covered. She gave me a desktop computer and monitor that she is no longer using and he gave me a new keyboard and mouse. I don't have the money for some of the other things I REALLY need for this potential job (Like, y'know, a PHONE for the dedicated phone line.) but I have the desktop. And that is good. I don't know for sure that I'll get this job, but I fulfill all but one of their preferred qualifications, so I'm hopeful.
My brain is dwelling and flitting about. I'm mopey about the fact that so few people helped. I know that a lot of people are dead broke, but it hurts that they couldn't even spare five dollars. Silly, I know, but there you are. I would say a handful of people helped, either through signal boosting or contributing, so that's something anyways. And some continually boosted the signal, which made me feel good.
Then I come across stuff I missed due to crazysauce. Like that solidarity is for white women or something hashtag? I felt kind of lost because, as always, I just don't realize what white women don't know. They really don't know that the color gap is bigger than the gender gap when it comes to wages? How is that even possible? I mean, this facts keep popping up ALL OVER THE INTERNET. The internet that they are using. Just...HOW?!? And then I found out how shitty parts of the feminist movement are and I think to myself "Thanks, I'll stick with the old-school feminists who care about motherfucking equality regardless of race, religion, or lifestyle kthnsbye." I mean, those are the white feminists I think of when you put those two terms together.It makes me sad that there's another kind.
It made something pop to the top of my head again. I've pondered a lot about why I'm more comfortable with non-white folk, but less so for why I'm uncomfortable with a lot of white folk. The fact is that they have expectations that not only can I not fulfill, but that I don't even comprehend. There's some sort of white code that I just never got the book for. So I walk into an interaction with an unknown white person EXPECTING that one or both of us is going to be uncomfortable. Self-perpetuating thingamajig.
I'm excited for school, I'm excited for the potential of ACTUALLY getting to see Pacific Rim on the big screen without murdering my budget, and most of all I'm excited for change. Scared out of my wits, but excited.

Oh Life, why are you so...you?

It's been awhile since I last posted. We had a looooong drive back from Kentucky and the friendship managed to survive. We didn't have internet for a bit and just got it back today. So that's a yay. What's not such a yay is my brain. Yay.
SO. Yeah. Financial Aid? Not so much this semester. I got 2500 over the basic federal funding and still needed another ten grand. That didn't happen. So I started crunching numbers like mad and...fall semester is probably going to happen, but I won't be full time (nor will I be living on campus, yaaaay hour plus commute. One way.). It's kind of frustrating because I'm losing half my pell grant and I'm only going to be 2 or 3 credits away from the full time that will give me the full amount. *sigh* BUT, I have managed to figure out how to attend this fall, and I have a lead on a seasonal job (which, as always, could lead to regular employment) that would allow me to save up enough to go full time Spring semester. I've got plans up the wazoo and am currently running a fundraiser to help me get the hardware I need for that seasonal job. https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/9ZJo8 (shameless plug)
So this is great, right? I've solved the problems in advance so there should be no problems, right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ha...yeah no. My crazysauce is in such full force right now that I almost had a panic attack standing in line at the library. THE LIBRARY. AKA the one place I never have them which is why I was initially considering getting a Library Science degree. Yeah, that is so not a good sign. My heart was pounding, my chest hurt, I could barely breathe. Just...crap. I'm holed up in the room my friends have so graciously provided for me and pop out for less than an hour at a time in an effort NOT to be a complete anti-social leach. I'm freaking out on so many fronts.
First- My mind is both humiliated and unconvinced by my fundraiser. I'm embarrassed to ask for help and in my heart of hearts I can't really believe I'm going to raise the money which leads to
Second- Crazysauce says I can't get a job, keep a job, or in any way make enough money for school.
Third-I'm staying with friends who really grok the mental illness thing. Which, of course, means they're crazy too which means we can get into vicious cycles of crazy.
Fourth-My crazysauce is so ascendant right now that I cannot help but be fearful for my performance in school.
Fifth-I'm fucking CRAZY y'all.

O, Complications...

How I do loathe thee.
Thou doth enter my life and
Shazam!
The ease with which I  formerly navigated
Vanishes with a wave of thy capricious hand!

Not that that drabble has any sort of rhyme or meter or what have you, but it made me giggle to write it.
So...yeah. Remember the person with which I would dearly love to have a higher degree of intimacy with? Well, they have thus far proved that the trust was not misplaced. Respect is sexy. Which is why life is even MORE frustrating than before!
Here's the rundown: Went over to said friend's for a movie/cuddle night. We watched movies from 4pm til 1 am. Much cuddling was had. In the middle of our movies he made a frustrated comment that I cannot relate in its entirety but was along the lines of "You would probably be my girlfriend right now if it weren't for the chaos of life". All I could respond with was "I concur". So yeah. We ended up cuddling all night in his bed where he respected all boundaries (though twitching fingers told me it was not without using a good bit of self-control). It's a good thing that I'm moving, because if I were staying I would not be able to hold to my decision of "Celibacy and no dating until I get through some therapy for all my shit" if he were to ask me out.
I will freely admit that the above paragraph was copy and pasted from another conversation elsewhere, because going over things makes me want to headdesk to the extreme. Because... He's respecting my boundaries, and ,while he doesn't know specifics, he is respecting my choices too.  Which makes those boundaries and choices, however wise and important I feel them to be, incredibly frustrating. And annoying. And aggravating.
I don't know how I would deal with sexual intimacy with him, because I can never predict what my wonky libido will do. I do know that being with him makes my heart warm. I don't just mean being around him makes me happy, I mean that it literally feels like this glorious, sun-drenched warmth in my chest cavity when I'm with him. And you know that funny, but good, feeling you get in your stomach when you're at the perfect level of intoxication? When you've had just enough alcohol to feel good, but aren't into the "oh shit" territory of drunkenness? Yeah, thinking about him makes me feel that way. He's the best cuddler I know, and we fit perfectly. He makes me feel that who I am is okay, more than okay, desirable. He thinks I'm beautiful, and I think he's one of the most wonderful people I know. I don't know if handsome is the right word, but I like his face. Seeing his face makes me happy, and talking to him makes me happier. It doesn't take much to picture my future with him in it (which was a struggle with my ex (which probably should have clued me in)).
I'm falling for him in the worst (or best) way. I'm not sure why it took so long (I met him about 5 years ago), but I have some theories. By the time we became friends (as opposed to acquaintances who found each other nifty) he was firmly in the 'unavailable' box, because his then wife had asked him to close the relationship. I respect boundaries. Then when he was out of the 'unavailable' box, I was trying to save a failing marriage (even if I didn't realise it) and he was too far away geographically. He respects boundaries. Right now we're both technically in the 'available' box for the first time in our friendship and it's like my heart went "Ding!". Unfortunately it went "Ding!" without consulting the common sense that decided that it's not fair to a potential partner for me to have these undealt with (and volatile) "issues". Add in the fact that I'm moving some 1500 miles away from him and you'll understand why I'm letting out a big ol' "FUCK YOU" to the Universe, Life, and Everything.

coping and planning and moving and...

Oh. My. Fucking. God.
Well, I mean I don't have a god of fucking, and I'm not sure how God as an incorporeal entity *could* fuck.
But I digress.
I'm walking the knife's edge lately. There's so much to do in such a short period of time and all of it involves change. Change is scary. Good, but scary. I'm looking at less than a month before making an incredibly HUGE life change. Seriously, I've never lived outside the Pacific Northwest. I just have no real concept of what this is going to be like. And it's a really important change because it's going to give me the chance to acquire the skills and training required for my dreams.
But it's so stressful. The stress is effecting and affecting everything. I say both effect and affect because my brain is so fried and drained that I can't remember which is proper to use in this instance.
While I've had reassurance from my teachers that I *WILL* be passing my classes (and thus getting my associate's degree), I can't help stressing. And I've also got a move to plan. And financial aid for out-of-state university tuition to worry about. And feelings. And people. And changes. I sometimes can't focus for more than a minute at a time, except for my trashy romances. And even the trashy romances have trouble holding my attention. Even writing this post has taken way longer than it should because I can't just stay in this window and right. I've checked three social networking sites and followed links from all of them, all while "writing" this.
I'm a mess. Such a mess.

Well meaning friends and not-so-surprising revelations

A sweet and well-meaning friend who knows of my past took the time not too long ago to inform me that Washington State has removed the spousal exemption from rape in third degree. Another friend (who doesn't know) shared a pertinent article. I'm just...
I appreciate that my well-meaning friend was wanting to share progress in something that has very directly affected me. I do. But at the same time...Just because I've shared something like that with you doesn't mean I want to talk about it. I probably *should* talk about it, but I really really really don't want to. I'm exhausted, I have so much to do currently. I canNOT deal with the emotional fallout of dealing with this shit. I really can't. I know I have to. I do understand that. But I don't want to.
It's been great lately. Physically I've been kind of crap, and my brain has fluctuated the levels of crazysauce periodically, but I have not ended up in crazytown for awhile. I've been really happy. But... I don't know. I think I'm getting some not-so-subtle hints from God that I really need to deal with this shit. Yes, I said from God. I sometimes flippantly say the universe is trying to tell me something, but this is different. I'm being nudged quite strongly. And I know he's right.
Side note: I do not believe God has a gender, I've just been culturally conditioned to use the male pronoun. I acknowledge this. Moving on.
There are some really wonderful people in my life who I could be pursuing "something" with if I weren't so petrified. Because I finally realized that I am. Petrified that is. I'm scared of intimacy. I'm scared that I'll be okay with it up to a certain point then panic and call a screeching halt to it. Based on past experience (yes, with my ex, yes,I realize the fucked upedness of it), I expect that the response will be far from pleasant. Recriminations, guilt, names, and...I don't know. I know that wonderful people won't do that, but my judgement has been bad before. I've trusted the wrong people and had boundaries breached that were never open for negotiation.
I can be kind of casual with my breasts. A grope isn't a big deal to me, as long as I know the person and permission has been granted. A grope is different than fondling though. Groping my breast is also far different than trying to slide one's hands up my inner thigh to FORBIDDEN TERRITORY when I am in such a sleep-deprived state that I am basically intoxicated. Yes, this is a specific instance and yes it was someone I thought knew me and respected my boundaries. No, I have never confronted this person. Yes, I cut them out of my life.
I have someone in my life that I would love to trust more. I'd love to loosen my boundaries somewhat. Not necessarily to the point of intercourse, but I would like to have a slightly higher level of intimacy with them. But I can't. Because I am scared that either I am wrong in my judgement of them, or that I will panic and fuck up a solid friendship. I don't think this person even knows that I feel this way, because apparently I'm actually pretty good at hiding this particular type of thing. I think it's because my boundaries are so different than other people's. In any case, I've been kind of grateful for my busyness lately, because it's allowed me a legitimate excuse to avoid the subject.
I'm kind of ashamed of my cowardice, but I know if someone else came to me in this same situation I wouldn't judge them a coward. I'd tell them they were rightfully cautious and help them talk it through. But I feel like a coward. And I don't want to talk things through and figure things out because I'm going to be leaving soon.
I have plans to get counseling whilst at university, so long as I can get student insurance figured out. But that doesn't help me now. And my emotions are all up in a heaval now. And I hate that a friend's kindly wish to inform me of the spousal rape stuff is what cued this in my brain. Because I don't want to associate wonderful with bad. And it confuses the issue. And...
I just want someone to cuddle and hold me and let me ramble and rant and maybe cry. I just want to heal.