I am experiencing intense pain right now. It's not new. I'm used to it. It leaves me in tears, but it's not an unfamiliar feeling. I can tell how helpless my mother feels when I come out of the room in tears because I hurt so bad and there's nothing I can do about it. I mean, marijuana can help, but I have no idea how to get it. And then taking it would be a problem. My mom is even (theoretically) okay with it if it would mean I wasn't hurting. But it's a moot point because I have no way of getting my hands on it.
I laughed earlier. My mom said I needed to see a doctor. I could hear the helpless frustration in her voice as she saw her daughter in tears and crippled with pain as her sons try to work the knots out of their sister's neck (didn't work but helped a little). I laughed because doctors don't do shit. I have very little respect for the medical profession. Because they wouldn't even prescribe me anti-inflammatories to help with the pain. They just told me to exercise and work through it, because all I need to do is lose weight. I had a doctor (before the fibro diagnosis) tell me that I was in this crippling pain because, wait for it... MY UNDERWEAR WAS TOO TIGHT. Yup. Chronic pain? You're just a fatass and need to wear bigger granny panties.
I don't know why I'm blogging. I just...I get so tired of being alone in my pain. Even when I have other fibro sufferers to commiserate with...no matter what no one can sit in your pain with you. Your always alone, and if someone tries to come to your aid they just feel helpless. Sympathy and empathy are wonderful things, and it's nice to know people care, but... Pain is a lonely, solitary place and I am heartily sick of it.
As always, hope will get me through.
But it still sucks.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
A Victory Post
I went to a small concert. BY MYSELF. I don't check that off my "I want" list, because I want to be able to do more, be more. But that does not negate the feeling of victory I have right now. Was I all jumping into conversations, sitting in the front row? No. I was, in fact, in the very back. But the fact remains that I drove there (BY MYSELF), went in (BY MYSELF), and enjoyed a concert (BY MYSELF). I'm not sure exactly how many people were there, I'm not good at estimating stuff like that. It was held at a church and the sanctuary was...maybe three quarters of the way full? It was a decent size sanctuary (not super church, but bigger than small ;) ).
I think I need to change the nature of my "want" list. I think I need to add checkmarks to things on the list until I can cross them off because there's no more room for checkmarks. That will be a victorious thing. I will never cross everything off that list, because I fully expect the list to grow. That's how it should be. The things I want for myself should increase as I explore the world and find my place(s) in it. I want my list to be miles long with a check mark next to almost every item.
I think I need to change the nature of my "want" list. I think I need to add checkmarks to things on the list until I can cross them off because there's no more room for checkmarks. That will be a victorious thing. I will never cross everything off that list, because I fully expect the list to grow. That's how it should be. The things I want for myself should increase as I explore the world and find my place(s) in it. I want my list to be miles long with a check mark next to almost every item.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Hope
A lot of people I know are doing this Hope 2012 blog relay. It's kind of awesome and inspiring and maybe just a little tear-inducing (in a good way). I kept thinking...
Sorry, just got distracted creating a sparkly, boozy bug in GIMP. What was I saying? Oh yes.
I kept thinking that I ought to do a hope post too. Initially I couldn't think of what to write, then I felt like crap and didn't *WANT* to write. But I kept thinking about it. And thinking. And thinking.
Here's the thing, for me...hope is life. If you're alive and continuing to live then you are the embodiment of hope. I mean, what else is there but hope? Hope is what keeps us going through the crapshoot that is life. Without hope we have no reason to continue, to strive, to thrive, to conquer our fears and move on. Hope (and maybe a broken condom or two) are why children are born. It's why we plant trees, gardens, and flags. Hope is what we cling to when everything and everyone in our life fails us. Because if we don't have hope...what reason is there to continue?
Hope is why I'm getting an education. Hope is why I'm moving to another state. Hope is why I am pushing my own boundaries. Hope is why I read and write. Hope is why I communicate. Hope is everything. At the core of my being, the root of every action, the impetus behind every thought is...Hope.
Sorry, just got distracted creating a sparkly, boozy bug in GIMP. What was I saying? Oh yes.
I kept thinking that I ought to do a hope post too. Initially I couldn't think of what to write, then I felt like crap and didn't *WANT* to write. But I kept thinking about it. And thinking. And thinking.
Here's the thing, for me...hope is life. If you're alive and continuing to live then you are the embodiment of hope. I mean, what else is there but hope? Hope is what keeps us going through the crapshoot that is life. Without hope we have no reason to continue, to strive, to thrive, to conquer our fears and move on. Hope (and maybe a broken condom or two) are why children are born. It's why we plant trees, gardens, and flags. Hope is what we cling to when everything and everyone in our life fails us. Because if we don't have hope...what reason is there to continue?
Hope is why I'm getting an education. Hope is why I'm moving to another state. Hope is why I am pushing my own boundaries. Hope is why I read and write. Hope is why I communicate. Hope is everything. At the core of my being, the root of every action, the impetus behind every thought is...Hope.
a body transplant would still be nice
On the general principle of I AM BROKEN. I'm much better tonight. I hurt, but not like I was last night. I feel like I have an ear cramp. Which is pretty self-explanatory.
I spent all day in a darkened room, dozing on and off. I feel tired and my eyes are all scratchy, but I can't sleep. Because, y'know, my body HATES me. I also kind of have to pee, but I'm afraid that if I move from my current optimum position the pain will start again (based on past experience). I should add a TMI warning to this blog.
ANYWAYS. I really wish my powered usb hub was working, because then I could watch "Head" for the gazillionth time. I love that movie. If I had a region-free/multi-region/whatever-the-hell-you-call-it dvd player I would totally own this movie. It's so awesome. I may have to buy it anyways...Computers are region-free, right?
I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this movie before, but if I haven't here it is in a nutshell: The plot revolves around a plucky girl reporter and a severed head. It's a comedy thriller (comedy noir?). Highly recommend, if you can find it. One clue if you're not in East Asia "Yaarrrrrrrrrrrrr me matey".
Edited to add:
Once again being a Lawsbian pays off! O, the blogs you'll read!
I spent all day in a darkened room, dozing on and off. I feel tired and my eyes are all scratchy, but I can't sleep. Because, y'know, my body HATES me. I also kind of have to pee, but I'm afraid that if I move from my current optimum position the pain will start again (based on past experience). I should add a TMI warning to this blog.
ANYWAYS. I really wish my powered usb hub was working, because then I could watch "Head" for the gazillionth time. I love that movie. If I had a region-free/multi-region/whatever-the-hell-you-call-it dvd player I would totally own this movie. It's so awesome. I may have to buy it anyways...Computers are region-free, right?
I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this movie before, but if I haven't here it is in a nutshell: The plot revolves around a plucky girl reporter and a severed head. It's a comedy thriller (comedy noir?). Highly recommend, if you can find it. One clue if you're not in East Asia "Yaarrrrrrrrrrrrr me matey".
Edited to add:
Once again being a Lawsbian pays off! O, the blogs you'll read!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Body transplant please
I'm in so much pain right now I think I might cry. Or throw up.
I hate this so much. I am so tired of always having SOMETHING wrong with me. I'm tired of not having medical insurance. I'm tired of killing my liver with naproxin and not even having it take all the pain away. I'm just so tired.
My head aches and I don't know if it's my sinuses or the wisdom teeth that are rotting in my head and desperately need to be removed. If that weren't enough my neck is choosing to knot itself up into one giant cramp. I keep trying to stretch it out with only pop pop pops resulting and no cessation of pain.
No more might. I am crying. I don't even know why I'm blogging this. I can't do anything else for myself I suppose.
I'm so so so tired of this. It's not fair. It's not fucking fair.
I hate this so much. I am so tired of always having SOMETHING wrong with me. I'm tired of not having medical insurance. I'm tired of killing my liver with naproxin and not even having it take all the pain away. I'm just so tired.
My head aches and I don't know if it's my sinuses or the wisdom teeth that are rotting in my head and desperately need to be removed. If that weren't enough my neck is choosing to knot itself up into one giant cramp. I keep trying to stretch it out with only pop pop pops resulting and no cessation of pain.
No more might. I am crying. I don't even know why I'm blogging this. I can't do anything else for myself I suppose.
I'm so so so tired of this. It's not fair. It's not fucking fair.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Some things
Thing the first-
So I'm a Lawsbian, that is to say a fan of the most fabulous Bloggess. The most fantastic thing about being a Lawsbian is all the other Lawsbians. It's a community of misfits brought together by our differences and commonalities. Most other groups I'm a member of are "misfit" groups as well, but they don't fully espouse the principles of "acceptance" the way Lawsbians do. In other groups I'm a member of, acceptance comes with qualifiers. This has not been the case in my experiences with my fellow Lawsbians. "You like the Bloggess? Friend! You're broken? Me too! You're feeling crappy? Love! Support! Hugs!" It's quite fantabulously wonderful.
Thing the second-
I'm sort of starting the Principia Discordia for the first time. I am again reminded of (and amused by) the fact that in high school everyone thought I was a pothead and I couldn't understand WHY.
Thing the third-
On a less fabulous note the keyword search "problems in lavender marriages" brought someone to my blog. I can't help but be curious as to why they were searching that. My first reaction was "Oh, honey, don't do it!" (even though I obviously cannot contact the person). My second reaction was "I should blog about this". My third reaction was distraction as I searched for (unrelated) twine.
Thing the last-
My body fucking hates me. No, seriously, it fucking HATES me. I don't know what its deal is, but it's decided that every night it needs to do something to my neck and if I don't get heat on it pronto ain't no pain medication gonna do SHIT. I didn't have the heat thingummy the other night (my mom needed it for her frozen shoulder) and spent the next day miserable. Fuck. Seriously. It kinda makes me wish I had my medical marijuana friend nearby (she also has fibro and would share with me when the pain got too much). I can't stand the stuff, but it does work. fu-huh-huh-UCK.
So I'm a Lawsbian, that is to say a fan of the most fabulous Bloggess. The most fantastic thing about being a Lawsbian is all the other Lawsbians. It's a community of misfits brought together by our differences and commonalities. Most other groups I'm a member of are "misfit" groups as well, but they don't fully espouse the principles of "acceptance" the way Lawsbians do. In other groups I'm a member of, acceptance comes with qualifiers. This has not been the case in my experiences with my fellow Lawsbians. "You like the Bloggess? Friend! You're broken? Me too! You're feeling crappy? Love! Support! Hugs!" It's quite fantabulously wonderful.
Thing the second-
I'm sort of starting the Principia Discordia for the first time. I am again reminded of (and amused by) the fact that in high school everyone thought I was a pothead and I couldn't understand WHY.
Thing the third-
On a less fabulous note the keyword search "problems in lavender marriages" brought someone to my blog. I can't help but be curious as to why they were searching that. My first reaction was "Oh, honey, don't do it!" (even though I obviously cannot contact the person). My second reaction was "I should blog about this". My third reaction was distraction as I searched for (unrelated) twine.
Thing the last-
My body fucking hates me. No, seriously, it fucking HATES me. I don't know what its deal is, but it's decided that every night it needs to do something to my neck and if I don't get heat on it pronto ain't no pain medication gonna do SHIT. I didn't have the heat thingummy the other night (my mom needed it for her frozen shoulder) and spent the next day miserable. Fuck. Seriously. It kinda makes me wish I had my medical marijuana friend nearby (she also has fibro and would share with me when the pain got too much). I can't stand the stuff, but it does work. fu-huh-huh-UCK.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Relationship Savant
I'm kind of like an idiot savant when it comes to relationships. Kind of. I am very dense about some things, though after many years I'm starting to get where after being hit upside the head with it I can recognize when someone is attracted to me (but not very often). However...once I am in whatever kind of relationship (friend, family, lover, framily) with a person I will get to know them very well. I don't know if it's because of the chemical imbalance in my brain or because of my unsettled childhood, but once I get to know someone...I understand them in some fundamental way. Based on their reactions, it's not "normal" (but in a good way). I think that I want to be understood so badly (particularly by myself) that I extend it to those I care about. I prove I care by doing the best I can to understand you.
Of course...this does not prevent me from being treated shittily (or behaving shittily myself (I *am* human after all)) and it probably contributes to my past doormat history. I think it also helped end my marriage. My ex would do something shitty/stupid/hurtful/whathaveyou and go "You don't understand!" at which point I would break down the exact thought processes and the actions that followed. I was almost always right. This was particularly irksome to him when he would make some selfish decision that benefited him and left me with the short end and I would break down exactly why it was a dick thing to do. I'd be right too.
I'm not sure if I'm cut out for romantic relationships. I can have very deep and meaningful relationships with people without getting caught up in the sex. Sex is nice, but not essential. Masturbation is quite sufficient. (TMI?). I've mentioned it time and again but I think this is why polyamory appeals to me. In poly I can have that emotional connection and not feel I'm cheating my partner out of sex. But....I dunno, I still feel like romantic relationships are more trouble than they're worth. I have "my" people and a future to work towards. I have friends to do things with. I don't feel particularly lonely. I feel less lonely now than I did when I was married.
In my dreams I sometimes end up dating someone...but y'know, even in my dreams I can't quite make it make sense to me. Heck, half the time I end up setting the dream person up with a dream friend and end up best man/maid of honor!
I'm just pondering these things lately and reading a lot of romance novels because of it ;). It's led me to the conclusion that if (and it's a big if) I do get seriously involved with someone in the future...I don't want to be the one doing all the understanding. Even if this mythical person doesn't completely understand me...I want them to be willing to TRY. Not for themselves, not for selfish motivations, but because they care about ME.
Of course...this does not prevent me from being treated shittily (or behaving shittily myself (I *am* human after all)) and it probably contributes to my past doormat history. I think it also helped end my marriage. My ex would do something shitty/stupid/hurtful/whathaveyou and go "You don't understand!" at which point I would break down the exact thought processes and the actions that followed. I was almost always right. This was particularly irksome to him when he would make some selfish decision that benefited him and left me with the short end and I would break down exactly why it was a dick thing to do. I'd be right too.
I'm not sure if I'm cut out for romantic relationships. I can have very deep and meaningful relationships with people without getting caught up in the sex. Sex is nice, but not essential. Masturbation is quite sufficient. (TMI?). I've mentioned it time and again but I think this is why polyamory appeals to me. In poly I can have that emotional connection and not feel I'm cheating my partner out of sex. But....I dunno, I still feel like romantic relationships are more trouble than they're worth. I have "my" people and a future to work towards. I have friends to do things with. I don't feel particularly lonely. I feel less lonely now than I did when I was married.
In my dreams I sometimes end up dating someone...but y'know, even in my dreams I can't quite make it make sense to me. Heck, half the time I end up setting the dream person up with a dream friend and end up best man/maid of honor!
I'm just pondering these things lately and reading a lot of romance novels because of it ;). It's led me to the conclusion that if (and it's a big if) I do get seriously involved with someone in the future...I don't want to be the one doing all the understanding. Even if this mythical person doesn't completely understand me...I want them to be willing to TRY. Not for themselves, not for selfish motivations, but because they care about ME.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)