Misc. Craziness

I brought up the subject of people saying "I couldn't tell! You don't look like you have a mental illness" and how it brings to mind the question "Well, what exactly am I supposed to look like then?". My teacher said "Crazy eyes." Which brought me to this brilliant idea. Spirals. On the eyelids. Because when cartoon characters go crazy they have spiraley eyes. My thought was sharpie, but bfam very sensibly pointed out that eyeliner might be a better idea.
Next topic: Lost time.
First of all, I'm sure there's some technical term for it that I don't know. Lost time is exactly what it sounds like, blink, time gone with no recollection of actually experiencing it. It's not really that big of a deal, or so I thought until I casually mentioned it to my mother and her eyes got real big and she said "That doesn't sound good!" To me it's never seemed like that big of a deal, because it's only happened when I'm doing something that I can do on autopilot (sorting, data entry, driving a regular commute), I've never had anything bad happen and have no reason to believe I've done anything other than complete an action on autopilot. I actually always thought it was a common autopilot thing, but maybe I'm wrong.

Yay!

So far the new quarter is going well, but I can already tell it's going to be a lot of work. I've also become a volunteer conversation partner for international students on the advice of my faculty advisor. I'd actually considered doing it before, because it seemed like it would be fun, but just never did. So that starts Monday and I have bunches of work from all of my classes too. I'm actually pretty happy though :).
I also have a new laptop! My little one is starting to show some problems, so since I had some money now (and found a really good deal) we decided I might as well buy a new one before the lil one died.

Also, a while ago I took a bunch of spring pictures and never uploaded them, so...picture bomb!

....except apparently not as I am now experiencing technical difficulties *sigh*. Well, I'm going to restart the new computer and try to edit those pictures into this post. If it doesn't work I will be using the 3 year warranty I purchased with the computer!

Okay, apparently I can only post one of these per edit/posting?

Day 1 of the New Quarter

So first day of the new quarter and I only had one class today, Fundamentals of Music. The teacher seems really good, but holy crap is she intense! Kind of intimidating in a good way, and I think (hope) I'm going to get a lot out of this class. I like teachers who are very clear in what they want you to do and have high expectations (as opposed to unrealistic). I'm gonna learn how to read music! Yay!!
My little laptop is starting to have hiccups and one of the USB ports has gone out, so I knew it was time for a new computer. I was going to go with a desktop because I couldn't find a laptop cheaper, but my mom convinced me that getting a (larger) laptop was the better choice. So I went a-hunting on the interwebs and found one...for cheaper than the desktop I was originally going to get!! yay!! It'll get here in a week or two.
My mom and I also sat down and tried to figure the next year out financially. I can *almost* make it with what I'm getting in finaid and such, but not quite. So hopefully either I get disability or miraculously find some sort of work that I can actually do. *sigh* I don't even need to make that much. Couple hundred a month and I would be SET. Welp, here's hoping.
Ooooh, I meant to post some spring pictures, but I'm tired and don't want to disconnect things just to upload the pictures. Next time! I won't promise though ;).
Almost able to be "Fighting!" once this sinus crap passes. Too loopy to be that energetic right now...

Math FAIL

So I was trying to further my ongoing math studies (so i can test out higher in the placement test) and hit a brick wall. I know it was me and not the math, because it should have been easy. It was basic unit conversion. I do this in my *head* for goodnesses sake. In my defense they used larger numbers than I normally work with, but it was still. GAH. Total fail on my part. I kept messing up basic multiplication and addition. I mean...that's just SAD. two plus one is three, not two *sigh*.
On other fronts things are going better (hopefully). New quarter starts Monday and I'm completely stoked. On Tuesday I have a meeting with my faculty advisor after classes. I called the University of Arizona to get some information on transferring down there, got some of the information right off the bat had to email for more so that'll take a couple of days. The biggest thing is that I'm going to be transferring from a quarter system to a semester system, which makes things a little less than straightforward.
I just need math to sink into my brain so I can get this done. I don't have to have my AA done in order to transfer to UoA, but it's something I need to do personally, and if I don't get math through my thick skull and test out high enough I'm not going to be able to make that goal.
I wish I could say "Fighting!" but in all honesty my head hurts too much for me to feel that optimistic.

I may be indecisive, but...

I really am incredibly indecisive. I will go back and forth on a decision, weighing every pro and con imaginable before I even come close to making a decision. That's just the way I operate. BUT. But...When I do decide on a plan of action, I make it happen. I plan for it and do my utmost to make sure that decision will be successful. Hence the reason that after finally making the decision to move to Arizona I have started planning. I won't be moving for a year, but there is a lot to take care of and I am not going to leave it to the last minute. I have a faculty advisor and I am going to start the process of getting myself into the University of Arizona's linguistics program. I'm not applying or anything, but I am specifically working towards that program and that will affect what classes I take. I have already decided that I will be driving, and am hoping to buy my brother's car. I have a ballpark idea of how much money I'll need for gas (and anticipating that prices are only going to go up within the next year). When I get a chance I'm going to buy a set of driving maps (you can get dry erase ones for planning purposes ;) ). As long as I'm careful not to accumulate too much stuff in the interim, I will be able to pack everything into the car I'm hoping to buy. And if I don't buy that car it will be a similar car, so I know my stuff will fit. :)
But what about furniture? I've already scoped out the local craigslist to see how active it is, and since it is an area with a lot of military families I anticipate having no problems on at least finding a futon mattress and desk (the two essentials for a broke student!). I will have a place to stay when I get there, which will allow me to establish myself. I will also have a support system in the form of TomandWendy. If I'm very careful (which I plan to be) I will also have at least a little bit of a safety net, financially. Not a huge one, but enough to get me through until I get FinAid sorted out there. The other thing I have to figure out is my meds and finding a sliding scale mental health provider down there.
I've had a lot of people gripe about my indecisiveness, but anybody who really knows me knows that when I decide to do something, it gets done. I'm not looking forward to driving through SoCal and the southwest in the summertime, but I am looking forward to seizing my future :).
Fighting! :D :D :D

So...

I think I may have come to a decision of sorts regarding TomandWendy and Arizona. I'm going to try for it I think. I've been thinking about it for months now, and going back and forth on what to do, I'm very wishy washy and indecisive. But...I think I'm going to start planning now for moving down there. I'm not just missing them, though that's a big part of it. And I'm not just wanting to go to the University of Arizona, though that is far from being a negative! I'm also not just going because the climate there is much kinder to fibromyalgia, though with nights like these when I have aches and twitches all over my body I want to just teleport there. It is partially a combination of these things, but there's more to it even then these things.
One of the things that was dissuading me was the thought that it might just be a desire for change merely for the sake of change. This is pretty much the opposite of how I usually I am. I crave new experience, yet have a fear of change. Part of it is my mental illness, and part of it is past bad experience. So it kept volleying back and forth in my brain, and the cost of schooling factored in causing bounces and ricochets. My mind can turn into a whirlpool of deadly whatifs at times. It can suck me under too.
So I've kept thinking and weighing pros and cons and thinking and thinking and thinking and...well...you get the idea. I kept going back and forth on what the "right" thing to do was. Then it just kind of clicked in my head.
I can't stop thinking about moving to Arizona because it's something that I really want. I can't let fear stop me, particularly when I have such wonderful friends who want to help me succeed. I may end up putting myself waaaay in debt by going to an out of state college, but I can't help thinking that I'm going to get far more out of my education if I'm happy than if I'm constantly struggling with morosity. I don't care if that's not a word, it should be. I've heard you can be considered for in state tuition if you can prove that you're not just moving for educational reasons. Even if I can't...I think I just need to go for it.
I'm not moving next week or anything. I'd really like to get my transfer degree done and my GPA up before I move. It would be less of a hassle....I'm trying not to let myself think "Hmm...but I haven't been able to fill out my FAFSA for the college I'm at yet...I could just transfer to the community college in Sierra Vista!" because that probably would not be the best idea. Though my brother probably *would* sell me his car since he's looking into buying  a new one anyways...and it *wouldn't* inconvenience me all that much...and I'd have the tax return money for moving...
No, *slaps self* think straight! I have to get all my name change and divorce stuff fixed...but that probably would be done before summer...Gah. See, that's the problem with making up my mind. Once I've made up my mind I just want to go DO whatever it is I've decided to do RIGHT NOW. Even when it's not feasible...unless it is...Gah. I am such a pain in my own ass sometimes.

Torn

Called my Wendy (of my TomandWendy) today and just got myself missing them more. Then Tom's asking when I'm moving down and /sigh. I miss them lots and lots, and Arizona is appealing from the fibro standpoint (among other things), but there are so many other issues at hand. The cost of education is a huge one. The difference between in-state and out-of-state tuition is ginormous. But...gah. No matter what program I look at the University of Arizona is more appealing, but that may just be because I really want to be down there. Tom and Wendy continually refer to "when" I'm moving down there rather than "if".
I'm just not sure of what the right thing to do is. I mean...I'm really ambivalent about attempting to get on disability, but I also need to support myself, and my mental state probably isn't going to go *poof!* all better just because I've moved. On top of that, Arizona is not the best place to find employment from what I understand. Living with my family is...stressful but good. I don't regret coming out to my mom, but, well, she periodically keeps trying to bring me back to God or something. The fact is I've never fallen away *sigh* *sigh* *sigh*. I can't talk to my family about a lot of the important stuff, because our viewpoints are so different. I mean....when someone tells you they think they need to look into therapy because of serious, life affecting issues "you just need to read the bible more" is not the proper response. Just because I don't own a print Bible currently doesn't mean I lack the word. That's what the friggin' internet is for! And the Bible is not a substitute for counseling. Heck, the Bible even talks about getting counseling from elders! Bah.
The thing about TomandWendy is that they get that. Wendy in particular understands where I'm coming from, and Tom is just one of the greatest guys on earth. They understand what it really means to have a mental illness, while my family (who are the fricken *source* of the problem) just try to pretend it doesn't exist. I'm sorry, but when I ask if my great grandmother was crazy like me, "No, she was just a shut in!" is...kind of ostrich-y.
But...I don't know. I love them and I trust them a whole lot more than most people on this planet, but...It's really hard for me to make that kind of leap. After the experience of my marriage, it's just really hard to trust my well-being to others. Even though living with my family is incredibly difficult. I also am afraid of being a burden. But mostly it's that I'm so used to not being able to rely on people to keep their words and having to watch out for myself constantly. I've been so close to being homeless, and I've had my power turned off, because of misplaced trust. I've been in situations where I was without hot water for months. I've been in situations where I didn't have enough money for food and had no way to go to a food bank. I just...don't know what to do.
If anybody's actually reading this, now would be a good time to chime in. I know what my mom thinks, my step-dad has no opinion, and most people I know wouldn't know what the right response should be. I don't know what the right response should be. I guess I've got a year to figure it out, as long as I can test out at Math 94 I should have my transfer degree done by next spring/summer. I hate Math and it hates me back.
Fighting! (I keep saying that to myself in an effort to bolster my confidence and drive :))