Ding!

While I think most weight loss self help books are kind of full of themselves and crap, I was just reading an excerpt from one (thank you library catalogue!) that kind of resonated with me. "In an abusive, emotional situation, one person may put on weight as a shield, while another person will shed weight in preparation for running away. It's all very primal. It's all a result of basic instincts." Now, I will not pretend that I have ever been petite, even when I was skinny I was not petite! But...through the course of my marriage I gained about 90 pounds. Don't get me wrong, I am not putting all my weight gain on my ex and our seriously bad-for-both-of-us relationship. I have mental health issues as well as some physical issues that have exacerbated the situation. Of course...the physical stuff didn't really start majorly impacting my life until after I'd gained a bunch of weight...
That said, this makes a lot of sense to me. I was able to maintain a size 18-20 body for many years, then I got married and...stuff happened. Stuff that really should have clued me in that the relationship I was in was a BAD idea. A little tip, if you recognize someone is in a relationship like that, bad mouthing their significant other is just going to make them defensive and less likely to listen to you. I ignored a lot of good advice because I just brushed it off under the heading "Oh, they just don't like him." The badmouthing also made me less likely to confide in people, because I didn't want to give them more ammunition. It isolated me and that isolation made the relationship even more toxic than it was to start with.
It takes two to tango, so I'm definitely not putting this all on my ex, but I maintain that if he had been willing to work at things and get help the way I wanted...we still would have ended, but it would have been much more amicable and less cruel than what happened. Why do I think we still would have ended? Because we each sincerely wanted what the other person *said* they wanted, making our life goals and wants diametrically opposed. He said he wanted to travel and be free, but in reality he wanted kids and a settled life. Whereas I always said/thought I wanted a family, career and settled life, when I'm discovering that the goals that make me happiest are the ones that lead to travel and intellectual growth. What I want for my life does not fit with what he wants. I think this whole thing may fall under the heading of "Irony" only in all caps, so "IRONY" underline underline bold ;).
This whole thing makes me really desire medical coverage that will allow me to go to cognitive therapy. Now that I have the time I don't have the insurance or the money to pursue that kind of therapy *sigh*. Murphy's Law, yes? I understand that I need to rewire my brain (figuratively, I promise I'm not an android! hehe), but I don't have the tools on my own to do so. I could try checking books out from the library, but, well...Without the feedback I'd get from a trained professional I don't know how effective it would be.
As they say though, Fighting!

ARGH

I should be asleeeeeeeeeeeep....but I'm not. Because I have to get up in the morning, drive somewhere and be all coherent and shit. This is why I can't sleep. Bah. At least I finally remembered to call in my refill to the pharmacy /sheepish. Listening to all sorts of spoken word and Def Poetry Jam clips. Yay! I used to write stuff like that, then I lost the soul of my creativity. It's coming back to me slowly, which makes me happy :). I used to write daily, my dad wanted me to be a writer. I could pour everything onto paper and feel better. Sometimes I burned it and that helped to. Words, like music, are in my blood. Do I think this makes me some great person, writer, singer what have you? Not really. I don't do it for others, I do it for me. Because it makes ME feel good. That's why I'm actually utilizing this blog. For me. Because I want to be brave enough to bare myself to the world and say "See? This is me. If that's too much for you, move along, move along." That's why I posted the video of me singing, because I want to be brave enough to sing in front of people, not always falling silent when there aren't other voices to drown me out. Because my voice may not be perfect, but it's as warm and loving as I am. I don't claim perfection, status or some sort of superiority, I just want...Lordy, half the time I don't even know what I want. I want to be a word warrior and speak my spirit into those around me, learn courage, give courage, just...For how much words are a part of me and who I am and who I want to be, they just don't work to convey this feeling. In person, in person I'd hold my arms out in a gesture that would communicate it. Or I'd just run and glomp you, giving you the hug of DOOM ;). I'm good at that. Affection is kind of my "thing".
I've got the rumblies in my tummy. I'm not really down with cannibalism though.
I want to write a hardcore spinster song with my bfam. We tell each other stories of what our EPIC spinsterhood together will be. Heh. Heathcliff and Lyda and Midnight Margaritas...I don't want to exclude, I just don't know how to share these odd conversations without it devolving into a "You had to be there and you had to be us" type of explanation.
I'm tired, but I can't get to sleep, and I don't honestly have the attention span to watch anything right now. I'm topping out at 3 minutes of focus on any given video. Which means reading is right out. Well, maybe it wouldn't be if I could find the next book in the series that I placed a hold on and my brother picked up for me *yesterday* and I still can't figure out where I put it. One room! I'm living in a single room and I *still* manage to misplace things!
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? A wood chuck would chuck as much wood as a wood chuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood.
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck was Chuck Norris? All of it. The Chuck Norris meme has made it into detergent commercials. *sigh* So sad when a meme that makes me smile becomes *that* mainstream. The WoW commerical was kind of fun, but Mr. T was better.
Sleep, why hast thou forsaken me?
My tummy is groooooowling. I'm huuuuuuungry.
Perhaps I shall try to watch something. Maybe even in English!....nah. Or maybe I'll watch Unstoppable High Kick. I mean, it's longer than 3 minutes, but it's still shorter than most of the stuff I watch...Or maybe I'll rewatch something, like...I dunno...something. *sigh* there's a lot of mental sighing going on. A little real life sighing too, but not nearly as much.
If I were a rich man da di da di da...I'd totally arrange a marriage with me. Except not. Because I'm CRAAAAZY. And if I were a rich man I could afford to be picky, because if there's one thing that commercials have taught me it's that all women are really whores. That's sarcasm. Heavy sarcasm. And very much a product of too much of my thought going into the content of commercials.
I've killed at least an hour ("Noooooo! What did it ever do to you?!"), so maybe I should try to sleep...or just give up and run around madly outside because the king of the potato people said Mr. Flibble Said So. I'd need a gingham dress, but it would work because I'm not patient enough to braid my hair into pigtails.
Good grief. This is ridonkulous. I like that word. My other favourite new word is "adorkable".
G'night.

Envy

I am having a huge bout of envy right now. A friend is at a concert that I really wish I could go to. It's not just the money issue, I also know I would be hyperventilating, shaking and/or vomiting if I attempted to go to any concert, the fact that it's punk rock just means it would be more boisterous. I want so many things for myself, and that seems like such a small thing to want, but in all honesty to achieve it...well, that would be one of my biggest hurdles. It's such a small thing, to be able to go to the concert of a band I like, it's miniscule compared to some of my other wishes. But...it requires so much more of me than attaining an education that will allow me to be employed. With the proper education I could still get a job, even if I don't get any better than I am. Because with the right qualifications I could find a job with minimal contact. This is not something that I want to happen, but it does mean that if I did get on disability (something I am still ambivalent on it) and didn't manage to fix myself, it wouldn't mean that I have to stay on disability for the rest of my life. But a concert? A concert would require me to be able to go to a place where I am completely surrounded by PEOPLE and for me to stay that way for hours... Such a small thing, but...I've been getting palpitations just going to the Y with my mother. If something small like that causes such an effect...*sigh* So yeah. Envy up the wazoo tonight.
/angst

Today

Today is a better day. Also rich in fantasy world ;). Though lately it's been really outlandish things because my mind has been captivated by anime and anime-esque Jdramas ;). I'm not entirely sure why my mind created a story about a puppy getting stuck in a tree...but it was really entertaining! Sometimes my mind is better than TV *happy sigh*.
My bfam has been having similar crazysauce troubles. It's really hard to get going and do what you want to do when you feel like it's hopeless. When it feels like...like you will never be able to achieve *anything* you desire because you are too broken. When life, brain chemistry or the assholes of this world make you feel like you don't deserve the happiness you're entitled to. When everything seems impossible...It's good to have friends who know what that feels like then. To cheer each other on and say "Fuck that shit, I believe in you!" To come up with bizarre and random things to do (the twine tiara WILL happen though). To just...understand. To be understood when things are crazy, when you are crazy, when the fucking world won't just back the fuck off and give us a few moments of peace and normalcy. THAT is what sfams and bfams are for ;). That's when the diamonds in one's life show themselves.
I try to make sure the diamonds in my life know they are appreciated. Because even when I can't talk to them, I know what the diamonds in my life would say or do. I also know that all I need to do is call, text, message, email or contact them in any way and they'll be there. I love my diamonds. They're MINE ;).

Ambivalence

I received my denial letter for disability today. I had a moment of utter relief, but my mom turns to me and says "But didn't <friend> say you always get denied the first time? Can't you appeal?" Bah. I know that the best thing for me right now would be to get on disability and work on getting myself in a better place mentally and physically. I know this. I understand that the way I am is not normal, and that currently I do not function well in "normal" society. I...I just don't want to be a failure living on the dole.
Loved ones can reassure me and build me up all they want, it doesn't change how I feel. If I can't work (and currently the thought of even doing a phone interview makes my skin crawl) then I need to be bringing in money *somehow*, but...I don't know. I keep thinking there *has* to be a solution that I just haven't thought of yet. But I keep not figuring out a solution to this. I need money so I can afford my medication that allows me to interact with people as much (ha) as I do currently.
So I'm stressing and stressing and stressing some more.

Mine.

There's a spot in my heart labelled 'Mine'. It's not the spot for loving myself, it's the spot for special people. Special people who mean a whole lot to me and who I would do a whole lot for. It doesn't necessarily entail romance, though it could, it just means that the person who has a spot there is mine and I am theirs. My bfam is there, as is My Tom and Wendy, My Jerome and Francisca, My Carolyn, My Brendan, My Bob (that one's a nickname ;) ), My Chris and a few other Mines. They have the right to claim me as theirs, even though we are not "involved". It's not just my chosen family, because there are members of my chosen family who aren't there. It's the people who make me feel that I am accepted for who I am, with all my faults and foibles, and for that they get my devotion and loyalty. A lot of people can't really handle my devotion and loyalty, so the Mines are special indeed!
Being Mine means that I will always care what happens to them. It means I will hurt for them when they're hurting, and I will be ecstatic for them when they're happy. It means I'll be honest when they're being asshats, and cheer them on when they're being particularly awesome ;). It means I will listen and I will talk. It means I will do my best to cheer them up when they are down, or offer a shoulder if they just need to cry. It means they are my Capital F Friends. They're Mine. I am intensely protective of them, but that doesn't mean I want to fence them in. I just want to beat the crap out of anyone who hurts them (even if I can't and/or am not allowed to). I want to share all good fortune with them and they are the people who rank at the tippyTOP of my heart and mind.

Discouragement!

I've been so proud of myself, getting to school every day (well, except yesterday because of the flu) and all on my lonesome. Going to the Y even with my mom is difficult, but Tuesday I went inside the school building when i picked my brother up and chatted with the school secretary *who I don't know*!
Then someone came over for dinner *sigh*. I've met this guy before, he's a friend of my brother's. Nice enough guy, no problems with him. But I felt uncomfortable sitting at the dinner table with him. So I sat next to my step dad, because usually this guy sits at the very end of the table, so I figured I'd be sandwiched between my brother and my dad. Nope.
I could feel my arm twitching every time his came too close to me while he was eating. It wasn't even that close. I scarfed dinner and scooted out from the table behind my step dad. So. Friggin'. Aggravating. Home territory and I can't even sit next to someone I don't know very well without getting twitchy. *facepalm*
Luckily, he's a nice and very non-judgemental sort of kid, because I'm pretty darn sure he noticed.