So, yeah, I've been sick for the last five days. What a wonderful birthday present body! Thank you! I had a good birthday in spite of it, because CHEESECAKE. I love my mother because she understands how very much I love cheesecake of any variety, but particularly when it is topped with gooey strawberry goodness.
We also were without phone or internet for two of the days I was sick, which means I missed a deadline for an assignment. The good thing about being sick was that I was too loopy to have a panic attack, and I don't really have retroactive panic attacks, so yay! I am going to print the assignment up at school tomorrow and hand it in to the teacher anyways. I may not get full marks on it, but I need to show her that I'm doing the work...even though I didn't really because I've been sick for almost a week. I mean...I have all the sources, but I'm supposed to write up an annotated bibliography and hadn't actually done the writing before I got sick. Lesson learned...except probably not because I know myself and my mother really should have given me the middle name of "Procrastination" instead of "Marie". Procrastination would have been more accurate.
Fortunately, this last internet outage and the looooong wait for repair finally convinced my mom to switch companies. Yay!!!!!!!!! For the first time in twenty something years, brace yourselves, my mom is going to have tv! Well, probably. She's going back and forth on it, but I think she's going to go ahead and do it, because she's sick of the stuff that my stepdad keeps picking to watch and cable would give her more options. Though considering the completely depressing movie they're watching right now about a little boy who starves to death in a hidden cupboard when his parents were taken away by the Nazis...I don't know that she has much room to point fingers. Well, okay, it *is* better fodder than K-9000, I have to admit.
So now I have to go work on the schoolwork I've been too loopy to work on for the last few days. Yay thousands of words to go!!
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Racism
I am going to rant again. It will be somewhat of a repeat of my previous post. I am on sudafed, have a headache in spite of said sudafed and copious amounts of painkiller and am feeling particularly cranky. Also, the only reason there's not more about the racism I've had to deal with this week is because the teacher responded and redirected the other stuff into more productive pathways. Communications Doctorate FTW!
I actually initially wrote this as a note for fb but am not sure I should post it because reasons. FORTUNATELY, this blog exists so that I *DON"T* have to edit myself even if I am not entirely with it due to medication or alcohol (or and alcohol, though that's not the best idea kids). So here it is!!
Right now I desperately want a "Lynch Racists" t-shirt. Yes, I see the irony, but sometimes humour is the only way to cope with crap like this. Since separating from Russ, I just haven't had to. Not because Russ is racist, he isn't. His dad is. Incredibly so. As in "n-word"-change-the-channel-when-someone-black-comes-on racist. There was no talking to him, I tried. It was incredibly relaxing to not have to deal with that crap anymore.
This week has just been aggravating. It started with a racist moment that was just facepalm worthy. The person in question is incredibly sweet, but also an incredibly bad communicator with a very narrow (as opposed to closed) mindset. I honestly don't think she intended anything by what she said, and the way she dithered while talking kind of supports the idea. I mean...she started out not wanting to use the word "turban" because she thought it might be offensive. The rest of what she said was just painful to listen to. I felt incredibly embarrassed on her behalf. She's not stupid, but she is narrow-minded and inarticulate. I feel bad saying that because she is so nice, but it's true.
That one was an "I just...I don't even...what?" moment. The next incidents all centered around one individual, his racist attitudes and the fury they instill within me. Pulling that "chingchongching" crap on me does NOT fly. Responding to a mild "Dude, that's kind of racist" with "I'm exercising my freedom of speech!" is just dumb. I never said he couldn't say racist things, but I am just as entitled to use my freedom of speech to identify them as such. I have had too many incredibly sweet Asian men and women (and I do mean Asian, not just East Asian) who looked out for me and treated me like family, to sit quietly. I thought I managed to be restrained and diplomatic under the circumstances. Which, as many of you know, is most definitely not my forte.
I had resolved not to talk to him anymore, but when he joined in a conversation I was having with someone else...What was I going to do? Say "racists aren't allowed to talk"? The conversation was about the midterm we just took and how we felt about going to class. Then it moved on to clothes, and for some reason surfing. The gal I was talking with somehow started talking about how it felt to be the white minority in an Hispanic neighbourhood in California. I think it was in San Diego. This could actually have been an interesting conversation...if he hadn't involved himself. He started going on and on about "Mexicans", gang members and how if they gave him "shit" he'd tell them to get out of his country. I didn't have a chance to respond to that. If I had I would have pointed out that California was settled by the friggin' Spanish; and that, from what I've gathered from documentaries and interviews, a lot of those gang members have family that has lived here for generations. The oldest of the Mexican gangs still in existence today was started in 1890. I'm not excusing criminal activity, I'm just saying he's an ignorant racist (I suppose that's rather redundant).
Then he started in on black people in the South. I know that there are a lot of racist people of all colors. I have witnessed it from all ethnicities, genders and orientations. I have also never had it directed at me since I've become an adult. I don't know why. I mean, sexism I've had to deal for a loooong time. Racism though? It's never been an issue, though I have witnessed people who treated me with respect then treat someone else of the same gender and apparent ethnicity with disrespect. I freely admit that this may give me a skewed perspective on the subject. However, that does not mean that you can generalize and say that an entire ethnicity is racist! I spoke up and said so. It was a hopeless endeavour, but what was I going to do? Validate his racism by staying silent and allowing him to continue his rant unopposed? No, I'm sorry, that's not okay. I am sincerely sympathetic if some black people treated you in a racist manner, or with less respect than you think you deserve Mr. "chingchongching". Okay, maybe I'm not sincere.
We've spent weeks hanging out before class and talking about music. This mostly consisted of me showing him bands he'd never heard of, from a number of different countries. I'd shown him Korean pop music videos. All of this crap came out of the blue. I don't know why. Maybe I offended him by pointing out something mildly racist he said, so now he wants to show me how racist he can be? I don't know. I will endeavour to be as courteous as possible, but I am still going to exercise my freedom of speech to call him out.
I actually initially wrote this as a note for fb but am not sure I should post it because reasons. FORTUNATELY, this blog exists so that I *DON"T* have to edit myself even if I am not entirely with it due to medication or alcohol (or and alcohol, though that's not the best idea kids). So here it is!!
Right now I desperately want a "Lynch Racists" t-shirt. Yes, I see the irony, but sometimes humour is the only way to cope with crap like this. Since separating from Russ, I just haven't had to. Not because Russ is racist, he isn't. His dad is. Incredibly so. As in "n-word"-change-the-channel-when-someone-black-comes-on racist. There was no talking to him, I tried. It was incredibly relaxing to not have to deal with that crap anymore.
This week has just been aggravating. It started with a racist moment that was just facepalm worthy. The person in question is incredibly sweet, but also an incredibly bad communicator with a very narrow (as opposed to closed) mindset. I honestly don't think she intended anything by what she said, and the way she dithered while talking kind of supports the idea. I mean...she started out not wanting to use the word "turban" because she thought it might be offensive. The rest of what she said was just painful to listen to. I felt incredibly embarrassed on her behalf. She's not stupid, but she is narrow-minded and inarticulate. I feel bad saying that because she is so nice, but it's true.
That one was an "I just...I don't even...what?" moment. The next incidents all centered around one individual, his racist attitudes and the fury they instill within me. Pulling that "chingchongching" crap on me does NOT fly. Responding to a mild "Dude, that's kind of racist" with "I'm exercising my freedom of speech!" is just dumb. I never said he couldn't say racist things, but I am just as entitled to use my freedom of speech to identify them as such. I have had too many incredibly sweet Asian men and women (and I do mean Asian, not just East Asian) who looked out for me and treated me like family, to sit quietly. I thought I managed to be restrained and diplomatic under the circumstances. Which, as many of you know, is most definitely not my forte.
I had resolved not to talk to him anymore, but when he joined in a conversation I was having with someone else...What was I going to do? Say "racists aren't allowed to talk"? The conversation was about the midterm we just took and how we felt about going to class. Then it moved on to clothes, and for some reason surfing. The gal I was talking with somehow started talking about how it felt to be the white minority in an Hispanic neighbourhood in California. I think it was in San Diego. This could actually have been an interesting conversation...if he hadn't involved himself. He started going on and on about "Mexicans", gang members and how if they gave him "shit" he'd tell them to get out of his country. I didn't have a chance to respond to that. If I had I would have pointed out that California was settled by the friggin' Spanish; and that, from what I've gathered from documentaries and interviews, a lot of those gang members have family that has lived here for generations. The oldest of the Mexican gangs still in existence today was started in 1890. I'm not excusing criminal activity, I'm just saying he's an ignorant racist (I suppose that's rather redundant).
Then he started in on black people in the South. I know that there are a lot of racist people of all colors. I have witnessed it from all ethnicities, genders and orientations. I have also never had it directed at me since I've become an adult. I don't know why. I mean, sexism I've had to deal for a loooong time. Racism though? It's never been an issue, though I have witnessed people who treated me with respect then treat someone else of the same gender and apparent ethnicity with disrespect. I freely admit that this may give me a skewed perspective on the subject. However, that does not mean that you can generalize and say that an entire ethnicity is racist! I spoke up and said so. It was a hopeless endeavour, but what was I going to do? Validate his racism by staying silent and allowing him to continue his rant unopposed? No, I'm sorry, that's not okay. I am sincerely sympathetic if some black people treated you in a racist manner, or with less respect than you think you deserve Mr. "chingchongching". Okay, maybe I'm not sincere.
We've spent weeks hanging out before class and talking about music. This mostly consisted of me showing him bands he'd never heard of, from a number of different countries. I'd shown him Korean pop music videos. All of this crap came out of the blue. I don't know why. Maybe I offended him by pointing out something mildly racist he said, so now he wants to show me how racist he can be? I don't know. I will endeavour to be as courteous as possible, but I am still going to exercise my freedom of speech to call him out.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Mixed bag
The week thus far has been a mixed bag of annoyances and awesomeness. Actually...I'm not sure annoyances is a strong enough word for my feelings regarding racism, inadvertent or otherwise. I mean, one of the incidents definitely falls more under the "annoying" category, because it was from Mrs. White Republican. I am certain that she wasn't intending any sort of racism, but....GAH. SO STUPID. I mean, she was going on about a guy and how he was offended by her short shorts...she wasn't sure if he was offended by her short shorts...well, his kids were with him so he might have been offended by her short shorts. Why? Because he was wearing a flippin' turban. Oh! Also, initially she didn't want to use the word "turban" because she thought it might be offensive. Really? With everything else you said you thought the word "turban" would be offensive?
I messaged my bfam and much hilarity was had at her expense. She's such a sweet lady that I feel kind of guilty, but...no. She's the one who decided a guy was offended by her because he was wearing a turban. If he hadn't been wearing a turban she would just have thought he was checking her out! Which she as much as admitted. But, again, hilarity was had, and she's such a nice lady that I couldn't stay offended for long. It's not like she was saying something hateful....
http://youtu.be/FNuyDZevKrU
So why did I post a video to a racist rant? Because I actually encountered this chingchong shit in real life. There's a classmate I've been hanging out with and showing all sorts of international music videos to. They were primarily Korean, so this came out of the blue for me. I was showing him a MV by Miyavi (a Japanese visual kei star), when he pulls out the ching chong shit. I'm not sure if my jaw dropped literally, but it definitely did metaphorically. "Dude, that's kinda racist..." He got a snitty look on his face and replied "I'm exercising my right to free speech."
http://youtu.be/zulEMWj3sVA
I've decided that I will be exercising my right to free silence from now on. He and Mr. "All Europeans have the same accent" can have fun with their brainless conversations.
HOWEVER. Hilarity was still had at his expense with my friend the Japanese women's lit major ;).
Racism is not funny. However, stupidity tends to be and I have yet to find an intelligent argument for rascism. So, racists of the world, keep it coming. I'll still laugh at you and refuse to take you seriously because you lack the intelligence to be interesting in any other way.
I messaged my bfam and much hilarity was had at her expense. She's such a sweet lady that I feel kind of guilty, but...no. She's the one who decided a guy was offended by her because he was wearing a turban. If he hadn't been wearing a turban she would just have thought he was checking her out! Which she as much as admitted. But, again, hilarity was had, and she's such a nice lady that I couldn't stay offended for long. It's not like she was saying something hateful....
http://youtu.be/FNuyDZevKrU
So why did I post a video to a racist rant? Because I actually encountered this chingchong shit in real life. There's a classmate I've been hanging out with and showing all sorts of international music videos to. They were primarily Korean, so this came out of the blue for me. I was showing him a MV by Miyavi (a Japanese visual kei star), when he pulls out the ching chong shit. I'm not sure if my jaw dropped literally, but it definitely did metaphorically. "Dude, that's kinda racist..." He got a snitty look on his face and replied "I'm exercising my right to free speech."
http://youtu.be/zulEMWj3sVA
I've decided that I will be exercising my right to free silence from now on. He and Mr. "All Europeans have the same accent" can have fun with their brainless conversations.
HOWEVER. Hilarity was still had at his expense with my friend the Japanese women's lit major ;).
Racism is not funny. However, stupidity tends to be and I have yet to find an intelligent argument for rascism. So, racists of the world, keep it coming. I'll still laugh at you and refuse to take you seriously because you lack the intelligence to be interesting in any other way.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
O Frabjous Day!
Callooh! Callay! I hung out with my fantabulously wonderful friend Sonya (who I haven't seen in 3 years) today. So great! I cannot express! Though I was reminded of something...
See...my filters aren't so great, which is why I am incredibly honest. The thing is...this means that I say things without thinking of my audience. So I made a few slips in front of her 14 year old daughter. I've never had a great filter to start with, but it's almost disappeared over the last few years. I've even used foul language in front of my mother which is, uh...awkward. As I look back my ability to filter seems to be directly related to how much stress I am under. As my anxiety worsened, more and more of my brain and coping skills were required to function at work. As the stress level in my marriage grew, more and more of my brain and coping skills were required even when I *wasn't* at work. Eventually my filters were almost non-existent. Now I get to rebuild them so I can be a better, more socially acceptable, me! Also so I don't inadvertently use foul language in front of a teenager and her mother. And particularly so I remember not to use foul language in front of my mother!
Edit:
OW OW OW OW OW. I don't mind getting a sunburn when I had the opportunity to put on sunscreen and didn't. But why did it have to be on my knee?? I am soooo tired, but I can't sleep because I have a sunburn on the inside of my knee so no matter what I do I just can't get comfortable...
It was totally worth it though.
See...my filters aren't so great, which is why I am incredibly honest. The thing is...this means that I say things without thinking of my audience. So I made a few slips in front of her 14 year old daughter. I've never had a great filter to start with, but it's almost disappeared over the last few years. I've even used foul language in front of my mother which is, uh...awkward. As I look back my ability to filter seems to be directly related to how much stress I am under. As my anxiety worsened, more and more of my brain and coping skills were required to function at work. As the stress level in my marriage grew, more and more of my brain and coping skills were required even when I *wasn't* at work. Eventually my filters were almost non-existent. Now I get to rebuild them so I can be a better, more socially acceptable, me! Also so I don't inadvertently use foul language in front of a teenager and her mother. And particularly so I remember not to use foul language in front of my mother!
Edit:
OW OW OW OW OW. I don't mind getting a sunburn when I had the opportunity to put on sunscreen and didn't. But why did it have to be on my knee?? I am soooo tired, but I can't sleep because I have a sunburn on the inside of my knee so no matter what I do I just can't get comfortable...
It was totally worth it though.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
le sigh
I'm trying to buckle down to my homework, but it's difficult for a number of reasons. First and foremost is that it's nice outside and I'd like to be out there reading. Yes, I did say reading. Don't judge me! hehehe. Seriously, one of the best things about summertime for me was always grabbing a blanket and going outside to read (in the shade usually because I'm deathly afraid of skin cancer). The other reasons is because the weather pendulum has swung again, so my fibro says it is angry and I HURT. This makes it hard to concentrate on anything for any decent length of time.
I have a whole bunch of schoolwork and need to study math so I can test out high enough to be done with my AA by next summer. But I just want a hammock and a book right now...Unfortunately I *have* the books, so I'm being less than productive ;)
I have a whole bunch of schoolwork and need to study math so I can test out high enough to be done with my AA by next summer. But I just want a hammock and a book right now...Unfortunately I *have* the books, so I'm being less than productive ;)
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
What I want
I want...
I want to be able to go to a convention by myself. Before that can happen...I want to be able to go to a convention, even with a "minder/bodyguard", and enjoy myself. I want to cosplay. I want to be a Steam Punk Pirate. I want to see my favourite webcartoonists, artists, and authors. I want to experience fandom first hand, instead of at a remove like I do. I want to go to motherfucking PAX. I mean, that's not the only one I want to go to, but...Good grief, I've been less than an hour away from it for the entirety of its existence and know a number of the Enforcers and I've never been! Same goes for Sakuracon, Norwescon and SteamCon.
I want a month to go by where my brain doesn't do anything to me. Where I don't want to hurt myself in any way, where I don't shake, where I don't huddle in my room, where I don't come home completely exhausted simply from going to class. I want a month to go by without hurting, without my body rebelling against me, without back pain, without muscle spasms. I want a month where I can be just like anybody else my age.
I want to be able to attend a Pride event. I want to be able to walk in a crowd of other people who are "other" like me and hug a drag queen, because they are, to me, the epitomy of everything wonderful, theatric and beautiful. Going to an event and hugging a beautiful stranger, what's not to want there? I mean, I have hugged drag queens before, but they weren't strangers. This is an important distinction. I've also hugged people who were merely in drag, this is, again, an important distinction.
I want to go to a karaoke bar and embarass myself in front of strangers.
I want to dance in public.
I want to sing in front of people and not be quavering inside. I don't care who they are, I don't care where I am, I just want to have the confidence to do that.
I don't want to do these things so medicated that I don't know what's going on, but as long as I can do these things, be myself, remember it and enjoy it, I don't give a good goddamn how many drugs they have to pump into me.
Damn it all to Valhalla and back, I want to enjoy my fucking life.
Fighting!
I want to be able to go to a convention by myself. Before that can happen...I want to be able to go to a convention, even with a "minder/bodyguard", and enjoy myself. I want to cosplay. I want to be a Steam Punk Pirate. I want to see my favourite webcartoonists, artists, and authors. I want to experience fandom first hand, instead of at a remove like I do. I want to go to motherfucking PAX. I mean, that's not the only one I want to go to, but...Good grief, I've been less than an hour away from it for the entirety of its existence and know a number of the Enforcers and I've never been! Same goes for Sakuracon, Norwescon and SteamCon.
I want a month to go by where my brain doesn't do anything to me. Where I don't want to hurt myself in any way, where I don't shake, where I don't huddle in my room, where I don't come home completely exhausted simply from going to class. I want a month to go by without hurting, without my body rebelling against me, without back pain, without muscle spasms. I want a month where I can be just like anybody else my age.
I want to be able to attend a Pride event. I want to be able to walk in a crowd of other people who are "other" like me and hug a drag queen, because they are, to me, the epitomy of everything wonderful, theatric and beautiful. Going to an event and hugging a beautiful stranger, what's not to want there? I mean, I have hugged drag queens before, but they weren't strangers. This is an important distinction. I've also hugged people who were merely in drag, this is, again, an important distinction.
I want to go to a karaoke bar and embarass myself in front of strangers.
I want to dance in public.
I want to sing in front of people and not be quavering inside. I don't care who they are, I don't care where I am, I just want to have the confidence to do that.
I don't want to do these things so medicated that I don't know what's going on, but as long as I can do these things, be myself, remember it and enjoy it, I don't give a good goddamn how many drugs they have to pump into me.
Damn it all to Valhalla and back, I want to enjoy my fucking life.
Fighting!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Well, that's annoying
So right now I'm walking this thin line of really enjoying school and being overwhelmed by it. Part of it is all of the social interaction, part of it's my fibro flaring. I'm going on a little over two weeks of not a day without painkiller. Yay. /sigh. In class I'm so exhausted that I'm afraid I'm not picking things up. So far I seem to be getting it, but I'm worried that I'll fall behind. I am so incredibly grateful for my note taker in Intercultural Communications and Access Services in general. If I didn't have that back up I don't know what I'd be doing right now.
I'm interacting with people a LOT. It's...good, but overwhelming. Very overwhelming. I may be pushing myself too hard in this arena, but...I don't know how else to do it. I'm an all or nothing sort of girl. I also really, truly, honestly enjoy people. My brain just doesn't like it.
I'm falling behind on schoolwork, in spite of not watching my shows. I just...I get home and my mind is so all over the place and jumpy that I just curl up and play solo games on the computer or (more likely) escape into a book. I know I have work to do, and it's not that I'm lazy, I just... My crazy wants to run away. I want school to go well so incredibly much, but my crazy is just like..."Why the fuck are you putting me through this? Why can't we just stay in the room and have the world leave us alone??" And this is *with* medication.
I just don't know what to do.
I'm interacting with people a LOT. It's...good, but overwhelming. Very overwhelming. I may be pushing myself too hard in this arena, but...I don't know how else to do it. I'm an all or nothing sort of girl. I also really, truly, honestly enjoy people. My brain just doesn't like it.
I'm falling behind on schoolwork, in spite of not watching my shows. I just...I get home and my mind is so all over the place and jumpy that I just curl up and play solo games on the computer or (more likely) escape into a book. I know I have work to do, and it's not that I'm lazy, I just... My crazy wants to run away. I want school to go well so incredibly much, but my crazy is just like..."Why the fuck are you putting me through this? Why can't we just stay in the room and have the world leave us alone??" And this is *with* medication.
I just don't know what to do.
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